Oh, hey bro. Welcome, welcome. Yeah, set your pack down anywhere. Who told you about this place? Dale? He has friends? Ha, cool. Anyways, check out the bulletin board when you get a chance. All the rules and shit are there.
Make sure to check back every few days or so. Or whenever. We update it pretty frequently.
#5. Welcome To Our More Perfect Society
Congratulations on entering MoPeSo, the society of the future! We know you’ll have a lot of questions, and this note should help answer them.
Q: What’s up with MoPeSo?
MoPeSo is the fun name we’ve selected for our commune, as an abbreviation of “More Perfect Society.” No one’s really happy with it, but after seven intense collaborative group meetings, we couldn’t come up with anything else. We essentially picked MoPeSo because it was the one option no one liked.
Q: Where do I sleep?
Wherever you want! That’s one of the foundational principles of the MoPeSo. We’re tired of all the rules about where we can and can’t sleep that the real world has for us, so we don’t want to tie anyone down. Just try not to sleep on top of someone else.
Also, you have to poop in the toilet. That’s one of the good rules the real world has that we’re taking with us.
Q: So I can just stay here? No trouble?
This is more of a commune than a squat, so there are chores that need to be done. Your chores will be assigned to you in the next day or so by an Assigned Chore Assigner. Again, not a great title. We’re working on it.
Q: What’s that smell?
As the MoPeSo has been established in an abandoned Denny’s, certain odors are just going to be a part of communal living. When the founding fathers and mothers and non-biological parental units established this squat, the smells bothered them as well. But the symbolic beauty of establishing a MoPeSo in the husk of a failed capitalist enterprise was too rich to ignore.
Also, you stop noticing them after a time.
That greasy feeling is pretty much omnipresent, though.
#4. Stop Serving Customers
Just a short note from the Upper Conclave on some recent events, and a clarification of some rules.
First, we have limited food supplies here in MoPeSo. Until we get that rooftop garden up and running, we’re basically relying on our savings and also the supply of eggs we found in the storage room.
Which remain curiously, even troublingly unspoiled.
There are a lot of them, like way, way too many of them, but we still have to ration them carefully. Which means we certainly can’t just give them away to people who stop by thinking this is still a Denny’s.
And no, Dale, because we know it’s fucking you who’s going to suggest it, we cannot just sell the food either. That is exactly the kind of thing the Founding Fathers and Mothers And Nonbiological Parental Figures of this MoPeSo stood against! Yes, many of them were forced to stand against it because they were hilariously unemployable, but to blame them for that situation is blasphemy! We’re here to move beyond that kind of hollow capitalistic system, to a better world where all things are shared equally, and people respect each other, and no one makes fun of anyone on the street for smelling like eggs.
#3. OK, We Made A Lot Of Money Today
So after another very useful, very collaborative meeting, the Upper Conclave have made the following observation. Until the MoPeSo becomes completely self-sufficient, we will have to exist within and interact with the Less Perfect Society around us.
Including this particularly less perfect area around the freeway off-ramp.
Although engaging in capitalistic activities remains anathema (it means “really bad,” Dale), the Upper Conclave has deemed that it is perhaps acceptable if it helps us transition into the fully realized utopia we all imagined when we first lay down in a booth in an abandoned Denny’s.
“What’s that smell? Opportunity.“
In particular, the fact that we made just a shit ton of money yesterday suggests that our MoPeSo realization schedule might be pushed up by a solid six to eight months. Also, and, Hooray!, we might finally be able to afford the weapons to tackle Rat Kingdom.
#2. So It Looks Like We’re Now Running A Successful Denny’s
OK, so we’ve had a good quarter here in the MoPeSo. Same store sales are up 10 billion percent over the last quarter, and Rat Kingdom has been more or less totally subdued. We’ve even attracted the attention from someone at Denny’s corporate. The Upper Conclave has already spoken with them on the phone, and they’re very impressed with the numbers we’re pulling down. We kind of danced around our origination story for a bit, but it turns out that it’s not such a big deal.
Apparently, something like half of all Denny’s are run by anti-capitalist communes.
Anyways, we’ve got an inspection coming up. Which is very much a big deal. We’re finally starting to run out of eggs, and if we want any chance of getting a new supply, we’re going to need to do well on this inspection. To that end, the MoPeSo has added the following new rules to our charter:
Food Safety Is Paramount
The Capitalist Dogs Are Always Right
Maximum One Free Refill
Also, although the “sleep wherever” rule remains intact, as it’s one of our core values, we are going to ask commune members to stop sleeping during the breakfast and dinner rushes, because we really do need that booth space.
#1. There Are Going To Be Layoffs
Yes, this has been rumored for a while, and there’s no sense trying to deny it any longer.
There’s no room for you in this anti-capitalist collective anymore.
No one wanted it to come to this. But ever since those Buddhists began squatting in and then relaunching that abandoned IHOP on the other side of the highway, we’ve seen traffic steadily decrease. Also, according to our Capitalist Dog Feedback Surveys, many of our capitalist dogs are uncomfortable eating in a restaurant in which half the staff are walking around shirtless, playing the guitar, or trying to repair an old radio.
Many also left comments relating to odor.
In order for Denny’s #23781 and this MoPeSo to survive, well, there’s just going to have to be a lot less of us. No Denny’s can realistically have 85 employee-citizens, and by cutting our ranks a bit, we’ll boost our margins significantly.
And we might finally do something about that smell.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has been asked to leave dozens of different communes. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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