5 Sex Stories That Will Change How You See Famous People

Here at Cracked, we like to think of ourselves as filling in the gaps of your history knowledge that schools refused to teach you. Particularly sex history. We’ve told you before about some of history’s greatest sex-havers, but there are more. So many more. So here are five epic sex stories to add to the list, because holy shit

5

Fidel Castro Had Sex With Half Of Cuba

Being in charge of a whole country is hard. Just ask Donald Trump. Actually, don’t ask him … he hasn’t even gotten the hang of Twitter yet. In many cases, the only reason you would even want to stay on is that being drunk with power makes you super attractive to the opposite sex. Such was the case with Fidel Castro. He ruled Cuba with an iron fist for decades, and the constant ass on tap made up for the constant threat of nuclear war.

Many people know basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain as the king of the harem, bedding an alleged 20,000 women in his lifetime. But if Castro’s claims are at all realistic, he managed to plow his way through (pun intended) 35,000 before he kicked the bucket at the age of 90.

In a different time, John F. Kennedy and Castro could have been great friends, bonding over their need for women to be immediately available at all hours. JFK was known to say that he got blinding headaches if he didn’t have enough sex, while Castro had “at least two women a day for more than four decades — one for lunch and one for supper.” But variety is the spice of life, so he also sometimes “ordered one for breakfast.” This is all according to one of his aides, who must have been surprised when one of his main jobs was to search the beaches of Havana for the hottest chicks to bring back for El Commandante.

But the real key to identifying seriously sex-addicted guys is always how many kids they have, because, let’s face it, birth control fails (and no birth control really fails). In Castro’s case the answer seems to be between “at least 10” and “we have no fucking idea.” What we do know is that he had three children born to three different mothers in one year alone. No matter how many women he was with, in Communist Cuba everyone was supposed to keep his sluttiness on the DL. Everyone, that is, but Castro himself. He apparently liked to litter his speeches with sexual jokes and innuendos, because everyone knows the ladies love that kind of thing.

4

Milton Berle Had An Evian Bottle Between His Legs

Michael Fassbender, Liam Neeson, Willem Dafoe: There are a lot of famously hung men out there in Hollywood, which only adds to their leading-man appeal. But what if I told you that according to Tinsel Town gossip, the real king of the trouser department was this guy:

Weegee/Arthur Fellig, International Center Of Photography/Getty Images
No, he’s not hiding it in his mouth.

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That, my friends, is the comedian Milton Berle, and if you are thinking, “what a waste of an anaconda,” you are not alone. Betty Grable complained that Berle was renowned for being so huge, saying, “the bigger they are, the homelier.”

Berle had been introduced to sex as a teenager during his vaudeville days, but after his mother found his condoms (anyone else having high school flashbacks?) she was the one who brought attractive women to his dressing room for him to bone. Eventually he stopped relying on his mom and slept with a huge range of women, from belly dancers, to a famous evangelist, to Marilyn Monroe.

People often underestimated just what a horndog Berle was because of his comedy routines. Since he sometimes dressed up as a woman to get cheap laughs, a lot of people thought he might be gay or a transvestite. This didn’t bother Uncle Miltie, who figured any kind of sex was good sex, saying, “To me gay is just another way of life, not better, not worse. Just different.” Despite being extremely open-minded for the time about who was sleeping with whom, Berle was completely straight himself, sometimes taking advantage of his female attire to sneak into women-only hotels so he could sleep with residents.

Bettmann/Getty Images
Who could refuse this sexy thing?

But the fact that he was a “comedian” could be kind of an issue. Guys with huge penises can be a bit full of themselves anyway, and when they think they are funny on top of that, it can be a dangerous combination. Once a 24-year-old woman came over to his restaurant table to say hello, and he asked to motorboat her breasts, before having her feel his cock. I think it’s important to mention at this point that he was doing this sexual harassing at the age of 83.

Berle’s supposedly foot-long organ is so infamous in Hollywood that when one of his sons wrote a biography of his dad, he felt it was important to include the fact that he didn’t inherit the famous dong of legend. Talk about being overshadowed by a parent.

3

Catherine The Great Had An Actual Sex-Tester

Everyone thinks they know one thing about Russian Empress Catherine The Great: that she was a nymphomaniac who was so difficult to satisfy in the sack, she died while trying to have sex with a horse. In reality, Catherine died in bed (no farm animals or boyfriends present) after suffering a non-euphemistic stroke. And she wasn’t so much a nymphomaniac as she was a serial monogamist. Sure, she liked getting her bone on as much as the next person, but she preferred to do it with one person for long periods of time. The lucky guy was put up in regal bedrooms near hers and given everything he could possibly want, like fancy clothes and an allowance. It was a sweet gig to have, even if as she got older Catherine went for younger and younger guys, to the point where it went beyond cougar and into sex criminal territory.

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Kunsthistorisches Museum
Remember, this is what she looked like after the portrait equivalent of Photoshop.

But you don’t get to be called “The Great” if you have to spend all your time finding your next boyfriend. Once Catherine noticed a new hot guy, she would have her doctor check him out to see if he had any STDs, and her closest advisors would find out his politics in order to make sure pillow talk wouldn’t lead to policies they disagreed with. But then came the big test. Catherine didn’t want to waste time on someone who was a dud in the sack, so she had one of her ladies-in-waiting, Countess Praskovya Aleksandrovna Bruce, take him for a test drive first.

When you are an all-powerful despot, you can hire someone to make sure you never have bad sex again. Not everyone passed the test, so when it came to who was having sex with more people, the countess came out on top every time. It wasn’t all bad, though. If the countess had a lot of fun with a particular guy she could call him back for a second or even third “audition.” That is in fact what eventually led to her downfall. But hey, at least she got her own jollies first.

2

Jim Morrison Recorded One Of His Songs While Getting A BJ

When you start googling Jim Morrison, eventually you are going to run into a penis story. Whether it was the time he was arrested after a show in Miami for “lewd and lascivious behavior in public by exposing his private parts and by simulating masturbation and oral copulation” plus two other counts of indecent exposure, or just estimates on the size of his “lizard king.”

But these days the closest you can be to Morrison acting erotically is through his music. And depending on how big of a fan you are, you may have gotten closer than you think. When The Doors were in the studio working on their album Strange Days, they were having problems with the second track, “You’re Lost Little Girl.” The guitarist was able to nail his part by smoking some super-strength black hash and playing in the dark, which is exactly what I do when I get stuck on a particularly tough Sudoku puzzle. But Morrison needed something more to nail the vocals that were higher and softer than he was used to.

The producer came up with a ridiculous idea: Why not hire a hooker to come in and give Jim a blowjob while he sang? Someone must have pointed out that it would be crazy to pay somebody to do what millions of people were willing to do for free, so legend has it that Morrison’s girlfriend Pamela Courson came and lent a … mouth.

Sure, it’s not like hacking with a gun to your head while getting serviced like in Swordfish, but still. Most of you probably can’t ask your employer to make sure you have blowjobs at the ready if you find yourself stuck on some difficult project.

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Unfortunately, at least one person claims that the story might not be as cool as advertised. Oh, he’s not claiming Morrison didn’t get a blowjob while laying down a track, but drummer John Densmore says that in the end they went with a different, and probably far-less-distracted, take.

1

Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee And Nikki Sixx Had The Grossest Bet Ever

Once you are a famous rock star, all the fun goes out of making a conquest. Instead of having to go to a bar and desperately try to pick someone up, or swipe right on every photo on Tinder in the hopes one single person will like you back, you basically can’t go anywhere without beating groupies off with a stick (pun not intended). Even if you are the bassist. That’s why you have to throw some roadblocks in your way to make it a little more interesting.

That’s where Motley Crue’s drummer and aforementioned bassist come in. Apparently sick of having foursomes every night, they made a bet with each other over who could go longest without bathing, showering, or washing in any way, and still find a groupie willing to have sex with them and/or not vomit all over them. Spoiler alert: This has gone down in history as “The Spaghetti Incident” so if you are squeamish, tap out now.

So Tommy and Nikki did their thing up on stage every night, getting sweaty and gross in their trouser areas, then would proceed to have sex with up to four women a night, getting even grosser and sweatier down there, and did nothing about it. After even two days of that, most of us would be so disgusted with ourselves that we would give up on the bet, but the members of the Crue managed to go two months. Two months.

Then finally one night it all came to a head, literally. (Seriously, one last warning. Go look at puppies or something.) Nikki brought a woman to his room to get down, and she started giving him a blowjob. Next thing he knew, she was vomiting all over his junk. Since she had eaten pasta earlier in the night, this became known as “The Spaghetti Incident.” Said pasta apparently “became tangled in his pubic hair.” Instead of freaking out and running for the nearest water, Nikki called for Tommy to come check out what had happened, and admitted he lost the bet. And you will never be able to eat pasta again.

Kathy wrote a very funny book called FUNERALS TO DIE FOR and you can buy it here. Or follow her on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter.

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