If you believe the chatter coming from Stormy Daniels’ lawyer — and he provided a picture of a rewriteable CD-ROM, how could you not? — we’re only a short time away from seeing what President Donald Jayden Trump looks like when he’s doin’ the do. This news immediately gave the internet a bad case of the vapors, or at least that’s what we’re taking from the numerous tweets and posts hypothesizing about everything from how it looks to how it works to whether the carpet comes from the same fabric emporium as the drapes.
We ask you, we beg you, please stop this madness. It’s weird. When you’re using a public restroom, do you mentally script out a melodrama or half-hour prime-time comedy special about what you think the person next you is packing? We thought not. It’d be weird, and taking it on the road to your friends, family, co-workers, and random spam bot followers doesn’t make it less weird.
There are, of course, other, serious reasons you should stop caring.
It’s A Teachable Moment For How Screwed Up This Presidency Is
Whilst we the people have always had a thing for presidential wang, the key difference between this scandal and, say, what JFK and Bill Clinton did is that there’s no real reason this should have gone unnoticed before now. It should have been flagged before Trump entered office, in a review of his past dealings or financials or suitability to have high-level security clearance, or even someone flat out asking him whether he’s bribed his way out of any scandals.
This should have been found, and the fact that Stormy Daniels now has his balls in a figurative vice (having allegedly already had them in a literal one) is a testament to how little we know about Donald Trump. He’s a serial liar who refuses to hand over his tax returns (despite his “crooked” opponent doing so), has an intricate spider’s web of dealings and debts across the world, and — if we’re to accept that he doesn’t know about foreign interference in the election — a potential hive of friends and hangers-on whispering who knows what in his ear between canapes and taco bowls.
We don’t know what other bullshit is hiding in his closet alongside the ill-fitting Vincent-Adultman-style suits and power ties, and focusing on tawdry nonsense like what his dick looks like isn’t helping. How many other Stormy Daniels are there? How many other people has he paid for their silence? Where’s the money for these payoffs coming from, really? Is he being blackmailed, and if not, could he be? The answer is that we have no goddamn idea.
This celebrity gossip rag drama exemplifies everything bad about this administration, and you should be melting down your representatives’ phones and demanding that something happen, because double-you tee eff. We’re savvy enough to do it when he’s attempting to steal our healthcare, so let’s try it before his assholish obfuscation means he walks away scot-free until the next scandal from his past emerges.
It’s Kinda Shitty
We’ve got a game for you. Open your social media and count many jokes relating to this scandal focus on his weight or his dick being weird, tiny, and/or impotent. It probably won’t take you that long.
This shouldn’t need to be said, but body-shaming isn’t a solid punchline. If the essence of good comedy is punching up, jokes like these are area-denial weapons, in that they also make everyone else with weight problems and dick issues (dicksues?) feel like a piece of shit. In truth, there’s no “correct” dick length or girth or degree of curvature, and being obese/overweight and having sex isn’t a crime against nature (how we do it, however …), and the stats say that more than half of men will suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives.
By talking about how fucking jazzed we are to see whatever photos may emerge, we’re also getting perilously close to doing what we all said was a bad thing when it happened to Jennifer Lawrence, Leslie Jones, Hulk Hogan, and Melania Trump: viewing someone’s nudes without their consent. It doesn’t matter that Trump is an asshole, or that this happened while his wife was recovering from childbirth. It doesn’t matter because it can’t matter. We can’t have a system in which it’s OK for some nudes to be leaked. That’s getting into “Who watches the Watchmen” territory, and we’re having none of it.
This Is Exactly What He Wants
If we’re being honest with ourselves, Donald Jacob “Marley” Trump is all about the penis. He’s a rampaging sex maniac who thinks he’s the most bangable man alive, he couldn’t help but brag about the size of his unit during a primary debate, and his trademark is gigantic buildings adorned with his name that penetrate the heavens. That’s even leaving aside the issue of his kids, you know, existing, despite the fact that they’re so vacant and devoid of substance that pod people use them to demonstrate the uncanny valley.
He loves talking about his penis, and he probably loves that it forms the basis of modern-day political discourse. It doesn’t matter that it’s attached to a scandal about what a crooked piece of shit he is; he’s a narcissist who loves attention. His entire schtick during the election was saying unspeakable things because he knew that it’d result in media coverage and him being the subject of every water cooler conversation in the country.
This scandal is so on-brand for him that we’d be surprised if the inevitable pictures didn’t also include a snap of him using his dick to piss out a racial epithet in the middle of a construction site for another building he can’t afford, surrounded by workmen he isn’t going to pay. Donald Julio Trump doesn’t care about the why of the conversation, only that it’s about him. We don’t know how much more plainly we can put this without breaching obscenity laws, but he is mentally and physically cumming at the fact that his penis is at the center of everyone’s brains right now.
You need to stop, folks. Take a walk, take a cold shower, do something that isn’t this, before his libido grows so strong that he tries to avert war by dick-slapping Kim Jong-un into unconsciousness.
Think about literally any other President altogether with How To Fight Presidents by Daniel O’Brien.
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