The Top 20 Cracked Articles Of 2017

Well there’s another year we’ll never get back. For what it’s worth, we spent that whole year making the best stuff we possibly could, and millions of you read it! We’ve gathered our 20 top articles of 2017 so you can catch up. And if you want us to keep making stuff like this, become a subscriber and get rid of the ads and generally help us keep doing what we’re doing!


By Loey Nunning

One of the weirdest things about modern America is that politically, the cities are concentrations of “blue” voters in an ocean of “red,” like grapes floating in a pot of chili. But why? It turns out there are a bunch of fascinating reasons, including sheer proximity to people who don’t look like you.

Read the goddamned article!

Mack Leighty

By John Cheese

Yes, politics was big on Cracked in 2017 (trust us, it’s a blessing and a curse). In this one, John gets a ground-level view of the common belief that scheming poor people are robbing America blind.

Read it, knowing that you may find yourself outraged for one reason or another.


NBCUniversal Television Distribution

By Abraham Mireles, Tara Marie, and Nathan Wadowski

Why was a documentary crew filming the events of The Office for year after year, when they were in just kind of an average, run-of-the-mill workplace? How did Cypher get in and out of the Matrix without help? The answers are out there, if you know where to look.

Look at them right here!

By David Wong

Maybe the most important underreported story of the year, if you like using the internet at all. No, this isn’t about Net Neutrality — it’s an unrelated but equally bad and stupid problem. A digital media crash is wiping out publications left and right. It’s one reason we’re offering paid subscriptions for an ad-free experience and other bonus stuff, while other sites are trying everything from paywalls to Wikipedia-style fundraisers.

Read the alarming details and/or see what a Cracked subscription gets you.


By Cedric Voets

Evangeline Lilly only agreed to be in The Hobbit if there was no love triangle, and then they added one anyway. Also, Mark Hamill wanted to do anything but be in a new Star Wars trilogy. Yes, even celebrities are but pawns in Hollywood’s terrible game.

Read these and other stories here.

20th Century Fox

By JM McNab

Have you tried to watch Fight Club recently? It feels like it was made a hundred years ago. Or Jerry Maguire, in which (among other things) Cuba Gooding Jr. hilariously shakes off a serious brain injury? We guess social progress always means that the past looks shitty by comparison, so yay?

Ruin all of these movies for yourself here.

Columbia Pictures

By E. Reid Ross

Readers love to read about how actors have terrible lives! This one includes the striking story of how Groundhog Day changed Hollywood history by ruining the Bill Murray / Harold Ramis partnership forever.

Revel in their misery!

Universal Pictures

By JM McNab

Here we have some cool but spoilerrific symbolism you probably missed in movies like Get Out and Logan, as well as a compelling fan theory that explains The Witch. Filmmakers love throwing shit like this in there!

Here’s a link to the fucking article.

All Things Digital

By E. Reid Ross

Steve Jobs was a genius, and also he soaked his feet in a dirty toilet. The lesson? Don’t take general life advice from the rich and famous. They often have no idea what the hell they’re doing.

Read all of the terrible celebrity health tips here.

20th Television

By Jim Avery

Did you spot the tiny Han Solos in the background of Firefly? Or notice that Star Trek’s Federation ships were full of ridiculous warning signs the crew threw in as a gag?

Well now you do!

Walt Disney Pictures

By JM McNab

We’ll just quote this bit about The Little Mermaid:

“Based on what we know about other marine mammals, the only way mermaids could survive would be to have lots of blubber, hair, or both. These mammals would also have short appendages to reduce blood flow, meaning Ariel would quite literally be a hairy or obese mermaid with stubby arms, perhaps resembling something not unlike a demented walrus-potato-wig.”

Read the rest!

Luis Prada

By Luis Prada

Where does the KKK get those white robes? Why do bananas have those gross stringy bits? Maybe after you die, these are the kinds of questions you get to ask God. In the meantime, we have Luis Prada.

Get the answers here.

Universal Pictures

By Adam Wears and Marina Reimann

Includes Steven Spielberg on the set of Jaws, lounging in the film’s infamously terrible mechanical shark.

See the rest here.

By J.F. Sargent

Mr. Sargent didn’t shoot himself in the head; he just interviewed the woman who did. It’s fucking amazing and terrifying.

Read why you should never do this.


By Carolyn Burke

These are stories of people beating the system in ingenious and hilarious ways, though we should point out that some of them are now in jail.

Learn their tricks here, but please do not copy them.

New York Daily News

By Robert Evans

His fetish was writing and sharing fictional stories about cooking and eating women. Actual women that he knew. Well, someone stumbled across those posts, and soon he was talking to the FBI and the headlines were screaming about the “Cannibal Cop” walking among us.

This will be one of the stupidest things you’ve read in your life.


By Chris Bucholz

This last season is when the series’ two polar halves — gritty realism and wondrous fantasy — clashed in a way that, well, wasn’t good. In a story that prided itself on subverting tropes and killing heroes, we’re suddenly staring down the road toward what appears to be a very conventional climax. This is what happens when you don’t meet your deadlines, George!

Chris Bucholz walks us through it.


By Robert Evans

This is tough, because we suppose the whole point of guys like Maher is that all attention is good attention. Still, people are too quick to applaud the guy just because he occasionally comes out with an opinion they happen to agree with. The world is not divided neatly into teams! The enemy of your enemy is not your friend!

Read Evans’ case against Maher here.

Life Magazine

By Nathan Kamal and Jordan Breeding

Did you know that “teenager” as a stage of life was invented around World War II? Seriously, nobody used the word before that. Did you know that nobody went to the beach for fun until the 18th century? It turns out that lots of fundamental elements of everyday life were just pulled out of somebody’s ass, and fairly recently.

Stuff all of this shit right into your read-holes.

This, by the way, is one of our favorite genres of article to write — the stuff that makes you rethink the world around you, while laughing at a series of silly jokes along the way. If you want us to keep making stuff like that, subscribing will help, and also prevent you from having to look at ads ever again.

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