Well there’s another year we’ll never get back. For what it’s worth, we spent that whole year making the best stuff we possibly could, and millions of you read it! We’ve gathered our 20 top articles of 2017 so you can catch up. And if you want us to keep making stuff like this, become a subscriber and get rid of the ads and generally help us keep doing what we’re doing!
By Loey Nunning
One of the weirdest things about modern America is that politically, the cities are concentrations of “blue” voters in an ocean of “red,” like grapes floating in a pot of chili. But why? It turns out there are a bunch of fascinating reasons, including sheer proximity to people who don’t look like you.
By John Cheese
Yes, politics was big on Cracked in 2017 (trust us, it’s a blessing and a curse). In this one, John gets a ground-level view of the common belief that scheming poor people are robbing America blind.
By Kelly Stone
Your condoms have dairy products in them, even before you add your own! Also, there’s sheep grease in your chewing gum.
NBCUniversal Television Distribution
Why was a documentary crew filming the events of The Office for year after year, when they were in just kind of an average, run-of-the-mill workplace? How did Cypher get in and out of the Matrix without help? The answers are out there, if you know where to look.
By David Wong
Maybe the most important underreported story of the year, if you like using the internet at all. No, this isn’t about Net Neutrality — it’s an unrelated but equally bad and stupid problem. A digital media crash is wiping out publications left and right. It’s one reason we’re offering paid subscriptions for an ad-free experience and other bonus stuff, while other sites are trying everything from paywalls to Wikipedia-style fundraisers.
By Cedric Voets
Evangeline Lilly only agreed to be in The Hobbit if there was no love triangle, and then they added one anyway. Also, Mark Hamill wanted to do anything but be in a new Star Wars trilogy. Yes, even celebrities are but pawns in Hollywood’s terrible game.
20th Century Fox
By JM McNab
Have you tried to watch Fight Club recently? It feels like it was made a hundred years ago. Or Jerry Maguire, in which (among other things) Cuba Gooding Jr. hilariously shakes off a serious brain injury? We guess social progress always means that the past looks shitty by comparison, so yay?
By E. Reid Ross
Readers love to read about how actors have terrible lives! This one includes the striking story of how Groundhog Day changed Hollywood history by ruining the Bill Murray / Harold Ramis partnership forever.
By JM McNab
Here we have some cool but spoilerrific symbolism you probably missed in movies like Get Out and Logan, as well as a compelling fan theory that explains The Witch. Filmmakers love throwing shit like this in there!
By E. Reid Ross
Steve Jobs was a genius, and also he soaked his feet in a dirty toilet. The lesson? Don’t take general life advice from the rich and famous. They often have no idea what the hell they’re doing.
By Jim Avery
Did you spot the tiny Han Solos in the background of Firefly? Or notice that Star Trek’s Federation ships were full of ridiculous warning signs the crew threw in as a gag?
Walt Disney Pictures
By JM McNab
We’ll just quote this bit about The Little Mermaid:
“Based on what we know about other marine mammals, the only way mermaids could survive would be to have lots of blubber, hair, or both. These mammals would also have short appendages to reduce blood flow, meaning Ariel would quite literally be a hairy or obese mermaid with stubby arms, perhaps resembling something not unlike a demented walrus-potato-wig.”
By Luis Prada
Where does the KKK get those white robes? Why do bananas have those gross stringy bits? Maybe after you die, these are the kinds of questions you get to ask God. In the meantime, we have Luis Prada.
Includes Steven Spielberg on the set of Jaws, lounging in the film’s infamously terrible mechanical shark.
By J.F. Sargent
Mr. Sargent didn’t shoot himself in the head; he just interviewed the woman who did. It’s fucking amazing and terrifying.
These are stories of people beating the system in ingenious and hilarious ways, though we should point out that some of them are now in jail.
New York Daily News
By Robert Evans
His fetish was writing and sharing fictional stories about cooking and eating women. Actual women that he knew. Well, someone stumbled across those posts, and soon he was talking to the FBI and the headlines were screaming about the “Cannibal Cop” walking among us.
This last season is when the series’ two polar halves — gritty realism and wondrous fantasy — clashed in a way that, well, wasn’t good. In a story that prided itself on subverting tropes and killing heroes, we’re suddenly staring down the road toward what appears to be a very conventional climax. This is what happens when you don’t meet your deadlines, George!
By Robert Evans
This is tough, because we suppose the whole point of guys like Maher is that all attention is good attention. Still, people are too quick to applaud the guy just because he occasionally comes out with an opinion they happen to agree with. The world is not divided neatly into teams! The enemy of your enemy is not your friend!
Did you know that “teenager” as a stage of life was invented around World War II? Seriously, nobody used the word before that. Did you know that nobody went to the beach for fun until the 18th century? It turns out that lots of fundamental elements of everyday life were just pulled out of somebody’s ass, and fairly recently.
This, by the way, is one of our favorite genres of article to write — the stuff that makes you rethink the world around you, while laughing at a series of silly jokes along the way. If you want us to keep making stuff like that, subscribing will help, and also prevent you from having to look at ads ever again.
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