One Liners

150 Funny One Liners

Funny one liners are the perfect way to tickle your humour without spending all day reading. We’ve compiled a list of our favourite one liners… 150 of them… so that you can spend all day reading.

  • You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
  • I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  • Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music”. But when I do it, I’m “drunk” and “have to leave the hardware store”.
  • That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
  • Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
  • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  • I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  • I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
  • Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  • When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write,”A very good doctor”.
  • I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  • Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  • Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  • Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  • I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
  • I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
  • There are two rules for success: 1) Don’t tell all you know.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
  • Never laugh at your girlfriends choices… your one of them.
  • Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
  • Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
  • I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
  • The difference between “Girlfriend” and “Girl Friend” is that little space in between we call the “Friend Zone”.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
  • My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  • Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.
  • I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
  • Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
  • Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
  • If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
  • What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  • If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
  • Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  • Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
  • When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
  • If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
  • Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  • Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video… we need to talk.
  • Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
  • When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
  • There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
  • Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
  • When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  • If I ever need a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s. It’s never been used.
  • The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
  • Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
  • My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
  • An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
  • Whatever you do always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
  • Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  • My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  • A straight face and a sincere-sounding “Huh?” have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
  • Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.
  • Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
  • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
  • My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
  • For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
  • Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
  • I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
  • America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
  • Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them…
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Get some dad jokes in your life >

  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
  • My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.
  • I’m stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
  • Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
  • Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
  • I bet you I could stop gambling.
  • Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
  • Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
  • My job is secure. No one else wants it.
  • It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
  • My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
  • Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
  • Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
  • Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  • There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
  • Yo’re so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
  • There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was rightI feel ten years older already.
  • Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs.
  • If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.
  • What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
  • It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  • The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
  • Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’
  • I am busy contemplating my future. Don’t worry, this will only take a minute.
  • My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
  • Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
  • People who write “u” instead of “you”. What do you do with all the time you save?
  • For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
  • If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy in my hand.
  • Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode really…
  • Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
  • Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  • You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  • The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
  • I met my soulmate. She didn’t.
  • Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  • I like to finish other people’s sentences because… my version is better.
  • What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
  • She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  • I hate lying people, they’re always in my way to the ocean.
  • Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
  • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

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