Top Jokes

17 Funniest Short Jokes for Guaranteed Laughs

We haven’t all got time to sit reading an essay out to people to get a laugh from them. Maybe you’re feeling down and need picking up, or simply want something funny to drop into your dry Slack work chat…

Here are our top 10 funniest short jokes which are guaranteed to get your crowd roaring.

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words.

“Are you holding that ladder properly?”

How to impress the ladies

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

The easy diet

Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house, it was delicious.

I went for a walk with a girl the other day

When she noticed me, we went for a run.

Are you gay?

Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me.

My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

Two gold fish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

Two friends are talking

My doctor told me I must stop playing football. – What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly? – Not really. But he did see me playing.

“This is your captain speaking,

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”

What’s E.T. short for?

Because he’s only got little legs.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never again.

If olive oil is made of olives

What is baby oil made of?

I dipped my testicles in glitter!

Pretty nuts eh?

I sleep much better naked.

Why can’t flight attendants understand that?

My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly in the house…

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’d had a sudden loss of taste!

I told her “No I’ve always dressed like this!” 

If you’ve got any more short jokes to throw our way, just drop them in the comments below!

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