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Age Jokes

  • I was in a band called Obese Bastards. What can I say. We went through a stage.


  • I’ve managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel. It’s pretty straight forward really.

  • A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

  • “You won’t like me when I’m angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.” The Credible Hulk.

  • I spent ages trying to cross a busy road. Some passer-by said, “There’s a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road.” I thought, “I hope he’s having better luck than me.”

  • I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of Think’” I thought and thought about this for ages. Eventually, I went for Thunk’

  • I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I’ve had it right up to here with them.

  • Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!

  • You can remove a book’s appendix without any problem. But spinal damage is usually fatal.

  • A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to get a tux but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he hast to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes … Read more…

  • NBC TV is planning a new series, “Airline Tragedies” They are putting together the pilot right now.

  • I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday. I said, “Give me all your money now, bitch, or you’re geography.” “Don’t you mean history?” she replied. I said, “Don’t try to change the subject.”

  • Just heard on the news about the 1993 luggage murder. Apparently the police are reopening the case

  • As autumn approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the migration trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were each carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. “No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “We … Read more…

  • I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today. I don’t really know why, maybe I’m just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting…

  • Going to How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow… Or marriage guidance counselling as the wife calls it.

  • If marriage has taught me one thing in life, it’s how to masturbate in bed without waking my wife up.

  • A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. “Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage. The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder. “Well, I”m … Read more…

  • I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.

  • I’m thinking of starting a new business. Because of the high tax rate here in the USA I have decided to explore abroad. Unfortunately, it’s mid-week at my local watering-hole and female patronage is rather low so I will have to wait to do my exploring on Friday and Saturday night.

  • For me, coming out as a teenager was the hardest thing I’ve experienced. God knows what it must have been like for my mother. Being in labour for that long.

  • Coming up to the anniversary of 9/11 a reminder, that jokes about this tragedy are plane wrong.

  • Turns out I am a master of Tantric Maths. I can stare at the page for hours and the answer never comes.

  • My pal is 6 ft 5, and his wife of ten years is only 3ft 10. After a decade of marriage he’s still nuts over her.

  • A farmer walks into a restaurant and orders the finest champagne on the menu. A lady in sees this and asks the man: whats the occasion?’ The farmer says “Well, I’ve been trying to get my chickens to lay eggs for ages now and just today they laid their first eggs” The woman replies “What … Read more…

  • I pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what … Read more…

  • Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage…….. I used to shave my privates with one , but I don’t have the balls to do that now.

  • A man walks into a Library and says, “Oi bitch. I want a fucking book to learn some cunting Spanish. Where the fuck are they?” Librarian says, “There’s no need for that language, sir!” He says, “You’re probably right. They all speak English anyway.”

  • I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off. Nice bit of footage.

  • My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my “sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”. Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

  • My business running a dating agency for chickens just folded. Its hard making hens meet.

  • Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I’ve managed to turn it around. Now I feel depressed and miserable.

  • I took the airline to court over my missing luggage. I lost my case!

  • My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second. I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.

  • I got sacked today from my job as a stage designer. But I left without making a scene

  • I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said “You don’t have much of a case.”

  • A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. “Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years. There’s nothing you can’t tell me.” “This one’s kind of strange,” the woman said. “Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied. “Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in … Read more…

  • A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. “It’s very brave of you to come out here,” says Matthew. “Please tell the audience what happened.” “Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I … Read more…

  • Just came across a very strange porn site….took me ages to clean it off my screen

  • “Sugar” is the only word in the English language where “su-” makes a “sh” sound. At least, I’m pretty sure…

  • I’ve just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village. I think it was far fetched.

  • I was going through all of those spam messages in my Junk bin. Amidst the claims to sell Cialis and making my penis longer, I found one that said I could order “weed” using an 800 number. … So I took a chance and dialed it and got the main menu … … “….If you … Read more…

  • Student: “Wow, I really got into trouble at school today. My teacher had a hissy fit because I couldn’t spell Armageddon.’ ” … …. I said to the teacher, “Hey cool your jets. It`s not the end of the world !!!”

  • A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: “Name?” German: “Heinrich Klimt” Police officer: “Age?” German: “31” Police officer: “occupation?” German: “No, no. Just visiting”

  • I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.

  • Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

  • Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.

  • I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.

  • Waking up to a “fcuk you” text message instead of a “good morning” one is surprisingly not that bad.

  • Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

  • Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O’Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

  • My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she’s my first.

  • I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.

  • New camouflaged condoms! She’ll never see you coming again.

  • My doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked ” What did he say about your fat ass?” I said to my husband, “Oh , the doctor didn’t say anything about you dear!”.

  • After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c*nt.

  • Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse’s ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.

  • I knew early on my marriage was doomed. I’m a Virgo and she’s a bitch…

  • Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor said, “What seems to be the problem?” “Well”, I said%

  • Hostage or not, sometimes it’s just nice to be held.

  • A woman’s cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

  • What a weekend…trying to get the courage to look at my credit card statement from last night.

  • I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

  • Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like… “Dude, shouldn’t you be hanging out with people your own age?”

  • It’s sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.

  • God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won’t make a difference.

  • My aunt sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn’t post things that some people might find offensive. After much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her

  • It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, children will never understand what it’s like to be raised by television.

  • I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? I replied. “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?

  • “When I hand-write an entire page it looks like I’ve had a stroke by paragraph two.”

  • “Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

  • If you’re dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you… let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we’ll help you sort it out. That’s what we’re here for

  • So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called “Ain’t nobody’s business.” Well, I just wrote my own song called, “Ain’t Nobody Cares!”

  • I’ll act my age when I’m 69 lol

  • I’m sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullsh*t.

  • The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.

  • My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, “How old are you?” I said, “I’m five.” He said, “When I was your age I was six.”

  • Love is never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you’re not.

  • I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage…

  • First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

  • In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

  • Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

  • There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment.

  • Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn’t have to end at work.

  • Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage and a little bit of milk; they can keep a girl’s stomach full for 9 months..

  • I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real shit.

  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  • Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

  • Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I’m assuming it’s Monday.

  • Don’t you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.

  • I finally found love!! It’s on page 364 in the dictionary.

  • The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn’t so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself

  • It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day… Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We’ve just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

  • So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you’ve fallen off the face of the earth??

  • My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she’ll be having a garage sale later this week.

  • I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White Good condition Reliable Cheap No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.

  • When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb

  • Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she’s still got her overinflated self worth…

  • Thank god we don’t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

  • Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.

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