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Nurse Jokes

  • My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I was really concerned, so I called 111.

    “What were you doing when you noticed the colour?” the nurse asked.

    “Well nothing much,” I replied. “Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!”


  • I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex. As I stripped off I said to her, “You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?”She said, “It’s slightly bigger than most I see.”“Thanks,” I said. “What sort of nursing do you do?”“I’m a midwife!”

  • Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?In case she needed to draw blood!

  • I want for my COVID-19 booster jab today.“Did you have any side effects after the first two?” asked the nurse.“No,” I replied.“Great. Any preference to which arm?”“The middle one please!”

  • I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed mine into a tree because of her.”“You must be mistaken,” she replied. “Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform.”I said, “I know, she left the curtains open!”

  • Porn stars must have the best CVs…Babysitter, nurse, doctor, plumber, cop, firefighter!

  • A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”“I’m probably a Type O,” said the rabbit.

  • Why do nurses always carry red crayons?In case they need to draw blood!

  • The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.I said, Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.

  • My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… he said maybe they’ll marry each other.Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…

  • Nurse: Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible.Doctor: Well tell him I can’t see him right now.

  • The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…I said, Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.

  • Why do nurses always carry red crayons?In case they need to draw blood.

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