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Apple Jokes

  • Just had sex in an Apple Orchard. I came in cider.


  • Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law. One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed Newton’s Law” So … Read more…

  • I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday? She said, “I’ve bought you an Apple Mac.” Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I’m not ’cause… My name is Mac.

  • When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers… Still to this day, Mr. Smith won’t look me in the eyes.

  • Ran into the apple store and used their bathroom …. iPeed

  • I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don’t have Windows.

  • How school works: 2+2=4. Homework: 2+4+2=8. Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Suns mass.

  • Apple is coming out with a product for Asians.. The iOpener..

  • Oh, you’re having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it’s worth $58,065,210,000.

  • I have reliable inside information about Apple’s next product. I will not be able to afford it.

  • Today Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone monitor your diet and track your calorie intake. Or you can pay extra for an iPhone that minds its own business. Can you imagine Siri talking to you like, “Hey, Chunky.”

  • Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

  • If you watch an Apple store get robbed… are you an iWitness?

  • I’m surprised the Pope didn’t tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God’s experience with apples.

  • The new #iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, #Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

  • Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

  • Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3……ilaughed

  • I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

  • It’s hard working at the apple pie factory. The biggest problem is the high turnover rate.

  • I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

  • My grandma always used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”I don’t know if that’s true or just one of granny’s myths!

  • I’m not buying any apples for my Halloween party this year…That’ll save me a bob or two!

  • I was in the Apple Store the other day, and saw someone shoplifting…Now I’m an iWitness!

  • Apple has scrapped its plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name…Though a member of the British royal family had allegedly expressed interest!

  • My mate said I wasn’t a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!

  • I’ve decided to invest in a local apple pie and pastry shop…I’m not too sure about the profit margin but the turnovers pretty good!

  • My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree…I told him to grow a pear!

  • I know it’s hot but the next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch!

  • Sad news. The man who devised the M&S food ads has died…He will be cremated tomorrow in an applewood and mesquite fire with blistered marshmallows and charred Madagascan vanilla pods!

  • Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween…That should save me a bob or two!#Halloween

  • My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.I told him to grow a pear.

  • My grandma always used to say, An apple a day keeps the doctor away.I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths?

  • If Apple made a car what would it be missing?Windows.

  • The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.It was an apple with very limited memory, just one byte and everything crashed.

  • My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.I told him, Grow a pear!

  • A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: you must be singleThe man replied: Wow how did you know that ?Cashier: Because you’re ugly

  • Everyone knows where the Big Apple is. But…Does anyone know where Minneapolis?

  • For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

  • At the hospital I was admitted to, apple costs $2, pumpkin $3 and blueberry $4 per slice.Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

  • If apple made a car what would be missing?Windows.

  • A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: You must be single.The man answers: Wow, how did you know that?Cashier: Because you’re ugly.

  • I gave my friend an apple, and he told me he preferred pears.So I gave him another apple.

  • We all know where the Big Apple is. But does anyone know where…Minneapolis?

  • My Grandma always used to say, An apple a day keeps the doctor away.I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths.

  • The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.It was an Apple with a limited memory. Just one byte and then everything crashed.

  • Don’t fart in a Apple store.They don’t have windows.

  • I gave my friend an apple – he told me he preferred pears.So I gave him another apple.

  • What’s the worst part of an apple addiction?You can’t see a doctor about it.

  • If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

  • What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?Finding half a worm.

  • The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.It was an Apple with limited memory – just one byte then everything crashed.


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