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Arse Jokes

  • When it comes to anagrams, I don’t know my earholes from my arsehole.


  • My best friend dared me to take a shit on an electrified train track. That’s the last time I put my arse on the line.

  • Just before I die, I’m going to change my name to OFF’. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers: R.I.P. OFF

  • Snatch, twat, fanny, cunt, pussy, box, split-arse, and of course vagina. Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.

  • I’ve fallen in love’ My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.

  • Got let out of prison today. The warden turned and asked “can you take any positives from your time in here?” I smiled “Yeah actually, the wife can’t ever call me a tight arsed bastard again”

  • My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

  • “Does my bum look big in this dress?” my wife asked this morning. I said “No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse”.

  • A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

  • When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse!

  • People who refuse to believe I’m an expert at yoga can kiss my arse…And so can I

  • I was getting smashed in the arsehole the other night when I thought, this is a bit of a funny name for a pub!

  • I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday…They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the arse crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub…Honestly, the wife’s never looked so good!

  • My new girlfriend says she hates lies, but judging from her reaction to my answer about the size of her arse in her new jeans, the truth doesn’t sit too well with her either!

  • I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!”As soon as I did, she screamed…I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first!

  • What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

  • At my prostate exam earlier, as the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said, “Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”“Just then,” I said. “When your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming!”

  • Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for fling. Must have large breasts, big lips, a tight arse, and…Fuck sake! Never mind!

  • Life is like toilet paper…You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some arsehole!

  • Has anyone else noticed that the symbol ‘&’ looks like a man dragging his arse across the floor?

  • I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • After a 69 with my gf, I had a dentist appt. Didn’t want the dentist to know so brushed my teeth 5 times. I sat in the dentist chair & dentist asked, “Did you have 69 before you came here?” Shocked I said, “Why can smell it on my breath?” “No, but your forehead smells of arse!”

  • I went an alcoholics anonymous meeting…Anonymous my arse! All my friends were there!

  • I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time today.I waved to them, but the ignorant arseholes didn’t even say hello.They just sat, and eagerly awaited my guilty verdict as I stood up in court!

  • My Uncle John was a shit ventriloquist…He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!

  • The wife said to me last night, “If you turn the bedside lamp off I’ll take it up the arse!”In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first!

  • Me: “How much for anal?”Hooker: “Sixty quid.”Me: “That’s a bit expensive. I think I’ll leave it.”Hooker: “Tight arse!”Me: “Go on then, you’ve persuaded me!”

  • Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad!

  • My mates called me a tight arse, so I decided to buy them a beer to prove I’m not…Turns out they wanted one each!

  • What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse?A Swiss Army Wife!

  • I was strip searched by the police. It started out as a routine stop, but I lied and said I had some coke up my arse. They then took me down the station and gave me the full works, fingers up and instruments in…I feel bad but how else is a gay ginger meant to get some action?

  • I was in a club on last night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • I was driving home from visiting my sister last night and I had a police car right up my arse for the whole journey…I wish her kids would put their bloody toys away!

  • My wife says I’m a stupid bastard because I keep saying expressions incorrectly…I’m not bothered. It’s like water off a ducks arse!

  • What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?A Megasorearse!

  • My wife caught me sticking her secret vibrator up my arse. When she came in, she asked me how I found it…I said it was quite nice!

  • My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole.“Don’t let him do that!” she screamed. “It’s disgusting.”“That’s your opinion” I said. “This is his second jar, he absolutely loves the stuff!”

  • I think my Shetland pony may be coming down with a cold…His main symptom is that he’s a little hoarse!

  • What’s small, red and whispers?A hoarse radish.

  • When the doctor told me that there was a cure for dyslexia,It was music to my arse!

  • What’s small, red and whispers?A hoarse radish.

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