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Assistant Jokes

  • I took the Eminem CD I’d bought back to the shop, because there was nothing on it. “Did you open it?” asked the assistant. “Of course I did,” I said. “Well there’s your problem,” he said. “You’ve removed the rapper,”


  • A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning. Big mistake.

  • My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people’s ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject’s memory. Why didn’t I think of that?

  • The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She is the first woman to get that close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.

  • I have a new assistant at work and for the last 2 days I’ve been helping her find her feet…It turns out they were on the end of her legs!

  • BREAKING: Magicians’ assistants are more likely to lose their lives during the pandemic due to huge spikes in cases!

  • I left some Quorn behind in the supermarket so I went back to the till and asked, “I don’t suppose you saw my vegetarian mince?”The shop assistant replied, “No, but walk up and down a bit and I’ll give you an honest opinion!”

  • As I lay on the couch, talking about my childhood and sobbing, I said, “Do you think I’m crazy?”“Yes,” replied the DFS sales assistant.

  • I saw a job advert for a fanny waxers assistant, to prepare clients, clean & wash them after treatment. I applied at the Jobcentre. The bloke said I had to go to Cornwall. I said, “Why? Is that where the job is?” The bloke said, “No. That’s where the end of the fucking queue is!”

  • A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”The assistant replied, “No. It kills them!”

  • As I sat there with trousers around my ankles, cock in hand and laptop on my knees, I said to the assistant, “This sofa is perfect I’ll take it!”

  • I went into the disabled clothes shop and asked for a pair of epileptic trousers. The assistant asked if I wanted to try them on. “That’s OK,” I said. “I’m sure they’ll fit!”

  • I was buying my wife some underwear. I asked the shop assistant, “Are these knickers satin?”“No,” she said. “They’re brand new!”

  • A drummer walks into a shop and asks to see the drum kits. The assistant says, “You’re a drummer aren’t you.” “Yes,” says the drummer. “How could you tell?”“This is a chemists!” says the assistant.

  • I recently bought some sexy lingerie from Ann Summers.“Surprise for the wife?” asked the assistant.“Only if she catches me wearing it!” I replied.

  • I once dated a dental assistant. She said she really liked me and would like to see me again in six months!

  • I went shopping for a maternity bra for my girlfriend.“What bust?” the assistant asked.“The condom!” I said.

  • I went into the pharmacy and asked the assistant, What is the best thing for killing germs?Ammonia cleaner. She replied. I said, Sorry, I thought you worked here.

  • I asked the shop assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures are.She said Aisle B, Back.

  • A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, Is this good for wasps?No, it kills them.

  • A shop assistant has fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun.Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

  • I bought a new sofa yesterday. The assistant told me it will seat five people without a problem.Where am I going to find five people without a problem?

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