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Barman Jokes

  • Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm… uh…’ The barman says, Y, the long face?’


  • A girl walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

  • Argon walks into a bar. The barman says “Get the hell out!” Argon doesn’t react.

  • Helvetica walks into a bar. The barman says “We don’t serve your type around here.”

  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food here.”

  • Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The barman says, “Not U2 again!”

  • I went to the bar and ordered a pint of Less.The barman asks, “What’s Less?”I answered, “I don’t really know but the doctor told me to start drinking it!”

  • Man walks into a bar with a pork pie sellotaped to his headBarman: “Excuse me, why have you got a pork pie sellotaped to your head?”Man: “I do this every Tuesday!”Barman: “But it’s Thursday today!”Man: “Oh I must look a right twat!”

  • An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.The barman says, “Is this some sort of joke?”

  • Man walks into a bar with a pork pie sellotaped to his head.Barman: “Excuse me, why have you got a pork pie sellotaped to your head?”Man: “I do this every Tuesday!”Barman: “But it’s Sunday today!”Man: “Oh I must look a right twat!”

  • A bloke goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barman says, “Why are you drinking so fast?” The bloke says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The barman says, “What do you have?” The bloke replies, “About 75p!”

  • A beautiful young lady walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre…So he gave her one!

  • A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.The barman says, “Who’s first?”

  • Two goldfish go into a bar.The barman says, “Why the long faeces?”

  • At a wedding reception I recently attended, the host said, “All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.”The barman was nearly crushed to death!

  • A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Can I have a pint please, but not Stella. I had ten pints of it last night and ended up fucking skint.The barman says, “But it’s only £3 a pint.”The man replies, “I know. Skint is my dog!”

  • The barman said to me, “Why are you looking so sad?”I said, “Me and my wife had a massive argument and she said she won’t talk to me for a month.”He said, “What’s wrong with that?”I said, “The fucking month is up tomorrow!”

  • An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub.The barman says ‘Is this some sort of joke’.

  • A teacher walks into a bar and says Can I have a beer.The barman says I don’t know, CAN YOU?

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