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Bed Jokes

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

    Udder destruction.


  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.Poor bastard.

  • I’ve made my bed every day for a week. Honestly, it seems like a waste of lumber.

  • I was just prescribed some anti-gloating cream. I can’t wait to rub it in.

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

  • I just swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.

  • I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me up the wrong way.

  • Don’t have a Findus lasagne before bed. You’ll have a nightMARE.

  • My wife came back from the doctors really upset today.She sobbed, “He told me we can’t have any sex for two weeks!”I said, “How come?” looking really concerned.She replied, “Because he’s going on holiday tonight!”

  • Remembering all the people who said I was too lazy to achieve anything in life is what gets me out of bed in the afternoon!

  • Whatever you do don’t eat liquorice before bedtime…You’ll dream about allsorts!

  • When we’re in bed, my girlfriend likes two fingers. Sometimes she’ll take a third…And by that point, she might as well have the whole fucking KitKat!

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed…I tried it and my goldfish died!

  • My grandad was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, “Staring contest. GO!”

  • My wife phoned me & said, “Where are you? It’s pissing down & I forgot my key.”“I’m in bed, sorry.”She screamed, “Are you joking? I want you to get out of bed, walk down the stairs & open the door, NOW!”“What would be the point in that? Your sister lives 20 minutes away!”

  • I set up a secret camera in the bedroom to catch my girlfriend using her dildo but was surprised to see the dildo came with a full size man!

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must have been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream…I can’t wait to rub it in!

  • A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?”His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, “Yes.”He asks, “Who’s is it?”His wife replies, “Yours!”

  • I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered, “Did you know it’s National Orgasm Day?”“Oh, what a pity,” she yawned, turning away. “Right in the middle of National Headache Week!”

  • “Come into the bedroom and I’ll show you a good time,” I said to the wife.When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

  • I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed.Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, “Boo!”Honestly some people are sick in the head!

  • I got out on the right side of the bed this morning…The left side’s against a wall!

  • I saw a UFO yesterday…So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with!

  • My missus said to me today, “I can’t stand these pretentious foody types.”Well, I was so shocked, I nearly choked on my pan fried Camembert and cranberry stuffed aubergine served on a bed of mango and apricot coulis!

  • I just rushed home from work, pulled my wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over us. She said, ” I’m shocked. You haven’t been like this for 20 years.” Then I said, “Look at my new watch. It glows in the dark!”

  • My new girlfriend said that I was terrible in bed…I said that it was unfair to judge in less than a minute!

  • My local cinema got robbed of £1000 yesterday…The thieves stole two large popcorns, two large Cokes and a packet of Skittles!

  • You know you’re getting old when the noises you’ve made during sex are the same ones you now make getting out of bed!

  • Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by forgetting your wedding anniversary!

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