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Bed Jokes

  • What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?


  • I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, “This is why we have to stay in school”

  • You know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed.

  • I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

  • When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I’m older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

  • My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.

  • How to get Laid: Lay in bed. Wait two hours. Lay becomes past tense.

  • You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I’m like that with beds.

  • If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

  • I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

  • Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams “Who are you! How did you get in my house?”

  • If the sheets are still on the bed when it’s over, you’re doing it wrong.

  • The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!

  • The annoying moment when I get comfy in bed and realize I forgot to do something.

  • I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia.

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.Poor bastard.

  • I’ve made my bed every day for a week. Honestly, it seems like a waste of lumber.

  • I was just prescribed some anti-gloating cream. I can’t wait to rub it in.

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

  • I just swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.

  • I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me up the wrong way.

  • Don’t have a Findus lasagne before bed. You’ll have a nightMARE.

  • My wife came back from the doctors really upset today.She sobbed, “He told me we can’t have any sex for two weeks!”I said, “How come?” looking really concerned.She replied, “Because he’s going on holiday tonight!”

  • Remembering all the people who said I was too lazy to achieve anything in life is what gets me out of bed in the afternoon!

  • Whatever you do don’t eat liquorice before bedtime…You’ll dream about allsorts!

  • When we’re in bed, my girlfriend likes two fingers. Sometimes she’ll take a third…And by that point, she might as well have the whole fucking KitKat!

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed…I tried it and my goldfish died!

  • My grandad was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, “Staring contest. GO!”

  • My wife phoned me & said, “Where are you? It’s pissing down & I forgot my key.”“I’m in bed, sorry.”She screamed, “Are you joking? I want you to get out of bed, walk down the stairs & open the door, NOW!”“What would be the point in that? Your sister lives 20 minutes away!”

  • I set up a secret camera in the bedroom to catch my girlfriend using her dildo but was surprised to see the dildo came with a full size man!

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must have been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream…I can’t wait to rub it in!

  • A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?”His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, “Yes.”He asks, “Who’s is it?”His wife replies, “Yours!”

  • I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered, “Did you know it’s National Orgasm Day?”“Oh, what a pity,” she yawned, turning away. “Right in the middle of National Headache Week!”

  • “Come into the bedroom and I’ll show you a good time,” I said to the wife.When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

  • I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed.Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, “Boo!”Honestly some people are sick in the head!

  • I got out on the right side of the bed this morning…The left side’s against a wall!

  • I saw a UFO yesterday…So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with!

  • My missus said to me today, “I can’t stand these pretentious foody types.”Well, I was so shocked, I nearly choked on my pan fried Camembert and cranberry stuffed aubergine served on a bed of mango and apricot coulis!

  • I just rushed home from work, pulled my wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over us. She said, ” I’m shocked. You haven’t been like this for 20 years.” Then I said, “Look at my new watch. It glows in the dark!”

  • My new girlfriend said that I was terrible in bed…I said that it was unfair to judge in less than a minute!

  • My local cinema got robbed of £1000 yesterday…The thieves stole two large popcorns, two large Cokes and a packet of Skittles!

  • You know you’re getting old when the noises you’ve made during sex are the same ones you now make getting out of bed!

  • Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by forgetting your wedding anniversary!

  • After I banged my toe on the bed last night, I have decided to seek help for my addiction to weird sex!

  • Someone told me that pets settle far better if you let them sleep at the end of your bed…It’s true, my goldfish hasn’t woken up yet!

  • Three men book into a busy ski lodge so they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, “I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job.” Man on the left wakes and says, “I had the same dream.” Man in the middle wakes and says, “That’s funny. I dreamt I was skiing!”

  • I was in bed with a woman and she said, “I want tonight to be magical!” And it was…After we had sex, I disappeared!

  • I’m thinking of sleeping on the wife’s side of the bed…Apparently from that side, you don’t hear the kids crying or the dog barking to go out!

  • While I was cooking, I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes…I’m now parsley sighted!

  • Valentine’s Day plan: 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Dinner for two 5. Regret eating two dinners!

  • I took a girl home. We got kissing on the sofa & before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”“Oh I see,” she winked. “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see?”“Yeah, my wife!”

  • I changed my bed from a standard double to a Queen but now I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time!

  • The wife was trying to be sexy for me tonight. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.Then she slipped it up her fanny…I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”

  • So I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol…Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house!

  • I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…I think I’ve managed to cover my tracks!

  • The key to sex after you had children is Vaseline. Put a liberal amount on your bedroom door handles…Stops them getting in!

  • I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, “This is where the magic happens babe.”She said, “Oh really? I’m getting excited now.”So I said, “Yes. Pick a card!”

  • As a small boy, I shared a bed with my 5 big brothers, and an old raincoat instead of a blanket…It was tough growing up in the hood!

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.Then she slipped it up her fanny…I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”

  • If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed…This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning!

  • The wife said to me last night, “If you turn the bedside lamp off I’ll take it up the arse!”In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first!

  • A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.His wife asks, “What’s that for?”“It’s for your headache.”“I don’t have a headache!”“Fancy a shag then?”

  • My wife said last night, “Come into the bedroom and I’ll put on that black lace number.”I said, “No thanks, I can’t stand Agadoo!”

  • How do you please a woman in bed?Let her sleep!

  • My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.“What are you doing?” she asked in shock.“Making you someone to play with,” I said.“A brother?” she asked excitingly.“No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home!”

  • What time does Andy Murray go to bed?Tennish!#Wimbledon2022

  • I tried counting sheep to get to sleep last night…I got to 500, lost interest, went back home and got into bed!

  • I was sat on the end of the bed, pulling my boxers off and the wife said, “You don’t half spoil them dogs!”

  • A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…So I got out of bed and started to look with him!

  • I thought I heard my next-door neighbours shagging last night. All I could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

  • When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform, a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent…She’s always a little krankie in the morning!

  • Going into my teenage sons bedroom is like a trip to IKEA…I went in for a look and came out with 6 cups, 4 plates, 3 bowls and some cutlery!

  • As we lay in my bed, panting, she said, “How was it for you?”“Top drawer,” I replied.“Really?” she giggled. “Was I that good?”“No,” I said. “That’s where my fags are!”

  • What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed?He puts his pajamazon!

  • I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns?

  • I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on…I said, “You’re pulling my leg!”

  • My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed…Should have seen her face when they all disagreed!

  • I asked my wife, “Where have you been?”She said, “Shopping in the sales. I bought this dress for a ridiculous figure.”I looked at her and said, “You’re not fucking joking!”I’m now in need of a bed for the night!

  • I said to my wife in bed last night, “Do you have to scratch during sex?” She said, “Shhh, I think I’ve won a tenner!”

  • I woke up and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed.“What’s the matter?” I said and sat beside her.“You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me & the kids” she cried.Utterly shocked, I said, “I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn’t drunk!”

  • I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night…I wore a blindfold!

  • My wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked, and walked into the bedroom. She said, “Shut the curtains babe. I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked.”“Don’t worry,” I said. “If they see you naked, they’ll shut their own fucking curtains!”

  • I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss. I noticed he kept winking at me like crazy.Disturbed by this, I said “Are you gay? Do you fancy me or something?”He replied “No you’re splashing in my fucking eyes!”

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!”It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • My young son climbed in the shower with me last night, and sure enough, it wasn’t long before the awkward questions started.“Why is your willy so much longer and fatter than mine?”“I don’t know, daddy.”

  • After calling 5 different home security companies, I’ve decided it’s cheaper to get robbed!

  • A man is lying in bed next to his new girlfriend after a great sex session, and she spends the next hour rubbing his balls because it’s something she just loves to do. While he was enjoying it he asked her: “Why do you love doing that?” She replied “Because I miss mine!”

  • Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

  • A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.His condition has been described as stable.

  • My wife just found out I replaced her water bed with a trampoline.She hit the roof.

  • My house got robbed and one of the items missing was my limbo setI thought to myself..how low can these guys go?

  • If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything? I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • How do you make a water bed bouncier?Use spring water.

  • My wife keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like Hobbit!, Gandalf!, and Mordor!.Always Tolkien in her sleep…

  • My mum just found out I replaced her bed with a trampoline.She hit the roof.

  • How late do the cows get to stay up?Pasture bedtime.

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