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Bed Jokes

  • What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

    Oh Sheet!


  • My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.I tried it and my goldfish died.

  • I had the worst night last night. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed.At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

  • I was robbed at the gas station today!I called the police and they asked if I knew who did it?I said yes, pump #6.

  • My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it? I replied, No.She yelled back, How about now?

  • My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything?I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

  • I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me plaving with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it.I think I’ve managed to cover my tracks.

  • I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.I now have Heinzsight.

  • How do you jump higher on a water bed?You fill it with spring water.

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.I tried it and my goldfish died.

  • What does jeff bezos do before bed?He puts his pyjamazon.

  • My wife yelled from the bedroom, Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?I replied, No.She yelled back, How about now?

  • What do you call a bedpan in Russia?A Poo-tin.

  • I asked my wife why she married me. She said: Because you’re really funny.I said: I thought it was because I’m good in bed.She said: See! You’re hilarious.

  • I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

  • What does eff bezos do before bed?He puts his pyjamazon.

  • My next door neighbours are splitting up not long after buying a water bed.They just drifted apart!

  • Paid up front for small carpenter to do me a double bed…But he’s only gone and done a bunk.

  • I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.

  • My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

  • My massage therapist got fired…I guess she rubbed too many people up the wrong way.

  • I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.The place was giving me the crepes.

  • When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.I think I managed to cover my tracks.

  • How do you please a woman in bed?Let her sleep!

  • You heard the joke about the bed?No?That’s because it hasn’t been made yet!

  • Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed ?Because, it would blow his cover.

  • My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.I tried it and my goldfish died.

  • What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?Oh sheet.

  • My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

  • What does jeff bezos do before bed?He puts his pyjamazon.

  • My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.

  • If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

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