Bed Jokes

My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.I tried it and my goldfish died.

I had the worst night last night. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed.At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

I was robbed at the gas station today!I called the police and they asked if I knew who did it?I said yes, pump #6.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it? I replied, No.She yelled back, How about now?

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything?I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me plaving with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it.I think I’ve managed to cover my tracks.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.I now have Heinzsight.

How do you jump higher on a water bed?You fill it with spring water.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.I tried it and my goldfish died.

What does jeff bezos do before bed?He puts his pyjamazon.

My wife yelled from the bedroom, Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?I replied, No.She yelled back, How about now?

What do you call a bedpan in Russia?A Poo-tin.

I asked my wife why she married me. She said: Because you’re really funny.I said: I thought it was because I’m good in bed.She said: See! You’re hilarious.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

What does eff bezos do before bed?He puts his pyjamazon.

My next door neighbours are splitting up not long after buying a water bed.They just drifted apart!

Paid up front for small carpenter to do me a double bed…But he’s only gone and done a bunk.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.

My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

My massage therapist got fired…I guess she rubbed too many people up the wrong way.

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.The place was giving me the crepes.

When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.I think I managed to cover my tracks.

How do you please a woman in bed?Let her sleep!

You heard the joke about the bed?No?That’s because it hasn’t been made yet!

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed ?Because, it would blow his cover.

My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.I tried it and my goldfish died.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?Oh sheet.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

What does jeff bezos do before bed?He puts his pyjamazon.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?