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Beer Jokes

  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”


  • A roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

  • I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

  • What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.

  • A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

  • A Chinese man comes to the pub, stands next to me & starts drinking.I said, “Do you know any martial arts, like kung-fu, ju-jitsu, or karate?”He said, “Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”“No,” I said. “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”

  • I was in the bar when I suddenly needed to pass wind. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer, but noticed everyone was looking at me…Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod!

  • I don’t judge my wife for putting the tree up today to start celebrating Christmas…I had 12 beers yesterday to start celebrating St. Patrick’s day!

  • A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we’d finished I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?” She said, “No. Only those who catch my eye!”

  • I met this wonderful girl and we had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, & she even laughed at my offensive jokes.I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked.And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common!

  • I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said, “Would you like a beer for your wife?”I said, “That sounds like a fair swap!”

  • Somebody should market a beer called ‘Occasionally’.So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally!”

  • When it’s sunny I think beer garden…When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while….When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer…I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

  • Step 1. Start a beer company named Responsibly.Step 2. Watch as every other beer company promotes you for free at the end of their commercials.Step 3. Enjoy your yacht!

  • A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”The construction worker says, “One beer for me, and one for the road!”

  • My mates called me a tight arse, so I decided to buy them a beer to prove I’m not…Turns out they wanted one each!

  • What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse?A Swiss Army Wife!

  • A woman walks into the kitchen to find her fella with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.“Hunting flies”, he said. “Killed any?” she asks. “Yep 3 males & 2 females.”Intrigued she says, “How can you tell them apart?”“3 were on a beer can & 2 were on the phone!”

  • When it’s sunny I think ‘Beer garden.’When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

  • When I was younger, people told me that by drinking five glasses of milk, I would grow up stronger and be able to move walls…Well now I’m older, I can drink ten pints of beer and the walls move by themselves!

  • My sister told me to take the spider out instead of killing him……So we went in a bar, had a few beers, it was fun.. it turns out he was a web designer.

  • An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar.The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says “figure it out yourselves.”

  • If the scientists throw a party, the chemists bring the booze, the engineer sets up a beer pong table, and the botanist brings the weed. What does the astronomer do?Planet.

  • I met a ventriloquist at a bar who told me I was attractive.I wasn’t sure if it was her or the beer talking.

  • I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said Would you like a beer for your wife?I said: That sounds like a fair swap.

  • Somebody should market a beer called Occasionally.So when asked, I can say, I only drink occasionally.

  • A teacher walks into a bar and says Can I have a beer.The barman says I don’t know, CAN YOU?

  • What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck.

  • Somebody should market a beer called Occasionally.So when asked, I can say, I only drink occasionally.

  • Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?Asking for a friend.

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