Beer Jokes

It’s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

I’ll always be here for you … Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I’ll be over there for you.

I just updated my Facebook status as “Gonna chill in the garden with a few beers :).” My boss commented “I thought you were sick? Lying about your health is against company policy and is a very serious matter.” I replied “And so is using the work’s internet to go on social networking sites.”

Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

I ought to start doing more with my weekends than just sit at home drinking beer, jacking off to porno mags and playing minesweeper. I do enough of those things at work.

Today local police found an unidentified man’s body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, “It’s not working. I cant take it anymore, I’m going to moms” I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!

My iPhone auto-corrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways.

My Dad just called to give me the “I’m worried about your drinking” talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

In Dog Beers, I’ve only had one.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift your beer belly is it.

I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago…

I might invent a new beer, call it “Occasionally”. When people ask if I drink, I can say I drink Occasionally’ this way they won’t think i’m an alcoholic.

NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

Bowling is my favorite sport because you don’t have to run and there’s beer five feet away.

The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “IT’S NOT WORKING, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I’M GOING TO MOTHERS ” I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling “Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

A roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.

A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

A Chinese man comes to the pub, stands next to me & starts drinking.I said, “Do you know any martial arts, like kung-fu, ju-jitsu, or karate?”He said, “Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”“No,” I said. “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”