Beer Jokes

  • If Jehovah’s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

  • It’s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

  • I’ll always be here for you … Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I’ll be over there for you.

  • I just updated my Facebook status as “Gonna chill in the garden with a few beers :).” My boss commented “I thought you were sick? Lying about your health is against company policy and is a very serious matter.” I replied “And so is using the work’s internet to go on social networking sites.”

  • Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

  • I ought to start doing more with my weekends than just sit at home drinking beer, jacking off to porno mags and playing minesweeper. I do enough of those things at work.

  • Today local police found an unidentified man’s body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

  • Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

  • Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

  • My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, “It’s not working. I cant take it anymore, I’m going to moms” I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

  • I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!

  • My iPhone auto-corrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways.

  • My Dad just called to give me the “I’m worried about your drinking” talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

  • The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

  • In Dog Beers, I’ve only had one.

  • They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift your beer belly is it.

  • I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

  • I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago…

  • I might invent a new beer, call it “Occasionally”. When people ask if I drink, I can say I drink Occasionally’ this way they won’t think i’m an alcoholic.

  • NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

  • Bowling is my favorite sport because you don’t have to run and there’s beer five feet away.

  • The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “IT’S NOT WORKING, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I’M GOING TO MOTHERS ” I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

  • How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling “Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!”

  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

  • A roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

  • I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

  • What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.

  • A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

  • A Chinese man comes to the pub, stands next to me & starts drinking.I said, “Do you know any martial arts, like kung-fu, ju-jitsu, or karate?”He said, “Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”“No,” I said. “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”

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