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Bird Jokes

  • I’ve just bought that new Lynx deodorant breadcrumb edition. The birds can’t get enough of me!


  • I’ve just started going out with some anorexic twins, two birds one stone

  • I went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.

  • My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, “Who’s the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?” “That’s my new girlfriend.” I replied. “Really?” he said, “You’ve kept that one quiet.”

  • A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.

  • Flappy bird is like the new angry bird except this time I am the angry one.

  • Birdie birdie in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye I didn’t cry I didn’t sigh I thank god cows can’t fly

  • The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut

  • It’s so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it

  • I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

  • The early bird needs to shut the fcuk up.

  • I hear birds chirping. Either I’m up way too late or I’ve banged my head cartoon style.

  • The girl I’m dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about “the birds and the bees” We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

  • Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they’re and there.

  • A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn’t keep the birds from tweeting about it.

  • I’ve been watching a bird do a mating dance for half an hour now, it’s working, I want him.

  • If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d shit on.

  • When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??

  • My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I’d find another nickname for her lady parts.

  • Its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its “i seen it on facebook.”

  • Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

  • A pet store had a bird contest. No perches necessary.

  • What did one bird say to the other cheating parrot? Toucan play at that game.

  • I’ve opened up a shop selling uncaged birds…They are flying off the shelves!

  • Some idiot has stolen all the grass from my garden….Even the birds are looking forlorn!

  • Never buy birdseed from Amazon…They always ask for their feed back!

  • There was a really fit bird in the gym earlier, so I thought I would get chatting to her.I said, “What’s your new year’s resolution?”She said, “Fuck you!”Result! I can’t fucking wait for January!

  • The little girl next door was digging a hole in her backyard when I asked what she was doing.“I’m burying my pet bird,” she said.I asked, “Isn’t that a rather big hole, for such a little bird?”She replied, “Yeah, except he’s inside your fucking cat!”

  • To all you beautiful sexy ladies, Happy Valentines Day!To all you fat birds, chin up it’s Pancake Day in a few weeks!

  • There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman…So, in answer to your question, it’s probably a bird!

  • A fat bird approached me in the pub last night.She said, “I’m Anita.”I said, “Yeah I can tell!”

  • I’ve just joined a book club for drinkers…First up is Tequila Mockingbird!

  • My wife isn’t talking to me at the moment…She asked me to make a bird table and I put her fifth!

  • I got chatting to a bird last night and went back to her place.After having sex, she turned to me and said, “I hope you’re not one of these guys who’s gonna get up and leave in the morning without even an explanation!”“Not me,” I replied. “I’m leaving now!”

  • A little bird told me I may be suffering from Dr Dolittle syndrome!

  • I rang Babestation last night. The girl on screen said, “Hi how can I help?” I said, “Fucking hide! I’ve lost the remote and my bird is coming down the stairs!”

  • Halfway through shagging this bird last night, she said:“You’ve got the smallest cock ever.”“That’s a bit harsh”, I said, thrusting as hard as I could. “What makes you say that?”She said, “Because you’re fucking my belly button!”

  • What do you call 2 birds stuck together?Velcrows!

  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.They were Basking Robins.

  • What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?A hummingbird.

  • What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?A bird can still tweet.

  • My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.Well, toucan play at that game.

  • I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.No tern was left unstoned.

  • What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

  • Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat.So the oily bird gets the warm.

  • A friend of mine kept annoying me with puns about birds.But I taught him Toucan play that game!

  • What do you call birds that stick together?Velcrows.

  • My wife said she’ll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks.That’s swan way to go about it.

  • What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?Tequila Mockingbird.

  • I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.They were Basking Robins.

  • What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?Unlawful means against the law, while the other is a sick bird.

  • Scientists are studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.They’ve left no tern unstoned.

  • What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?Tequila Mockingbird.

  • What do you call 2 birds stuck together?Velcrows.

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