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Birthday Jokes

  • I thought I hadn’t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.


  • I bought my wife a pen for her birthday. I should have got a better one though, she keeps getting out.

  • My wife threw me out, divorced me and left me with nothing and nowhere to stay. All I have to my name is the tent she bought me for my last birthday, but I refuse to dwell on the past. I’m living in the present.

  • All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards. I found it really hard to deal with.

  • My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

  • It’s my wife birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she’s in for a rude awakening. I’m buying her a Tourettes alarm clock.

  • All I got my wife for her birthday was a mirror. That’ll show her who’s boss.

  • I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday? She said, “I’ve bought you an Apple Mac.” Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I’m not ’cause… My name is Mac.

  • I can’t help but be disappointed at the brand new Rolex I received for my birthday from the lesbian couple next door. … I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”

  • My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a D’ It vibrates It’s a girl’s best friend I’m pretty certain I know exactly what she’s getting at. A new dishwasher.

  • My girlfriend is turning 32 soon… …. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”

  • I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

  • I think its my mom’s birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.

  • Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn’t put the D because you’ll get that later.

  • My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

  • That one day of fame on Facebook when it is your birthday.

  • The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. very nice, but i think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch!

  • I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

  • To the people who have birthdays this week… your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine’s Day!

  • Two things I will never grasp in life: 1. What to write in birthday cards. 2. What to do when people are singing happy birthday to me.

  • Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

  • I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

  • I’ve saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

  • For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

  • I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone having a birthday today.. since they only get 1 birthday every 4 years..

  • 10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

  • I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn’t impressed, but it’s not every day he turns 4.

  • I hardly know you… but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!

  • Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.

  • George Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” is 70 years old today. George didn’t bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.

  • I’m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday

  • Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!

  • Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.

  • I’d like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!

  • That awkward moment when your friends are singing “happy birthday to you” and you don’t know where to look.

  • Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people’s FB walls for their birthday other than “Happy Birthday!”

  • I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”

  • The best part of the birthday notifier on Facebook is, I meet people that I didn’t even know were on my friends list.

  • Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn’t read a single one)

  • My birthday is coming up and I’m mostly just anxious about all the people on Facebook who are about to pretend to like me.

  • Person: I like your name. Me: thanks, I got it for my birthday

  • Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, “I had no idea it was your birthday!”

  • I’m pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday….. I should probably “unblock” them and check.

  • Relationships these days are like Birthdays….Once the Cake is Eaten, the Party’s Over…!!!

  • When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look.

  • Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

  • I got my wife a refrigerator for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

  • When you get frustrated, just think of a dragon trying to blow out birthday candles.

  • What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?Aye matey

  • What did the father say to his crying son at his Indian themed birthday party?It’s chapatti and you can cry if you want to.

  • I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.The doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.”I replied, “What, drinks?”He said, “No, birthdays!”

  • I asked my wife if she’d like a diamond necklace for her birthday.She said, “Nothing would make me happier.”So I got her nothing instead!

  • I asked my wife when her birthday was.She said, “March 1st.”So I walked around the room and asked again!

  • When I was little we were so poor that on my 6th birthday my mum put 3 candles on a cake and put it in front of a mirror!

  • People criticise shops for starting to sell Christmas stuff too early…Well our supermarket has birthday cake and mine isn’t for another 7 months!

  • The man who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

  • My son has gone to jail. He has refused food, drink, and now he’s not speaking to anyone…I knew we shouldn’t have played Monopoly on his birthday!

  • My Dad came in to my room and said to me, “Son, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is Gods gift, and that’s why we call it the present.”I said to him, “For fucks sake dad you mean you haven’t got me anything for my birthday again!”

  • It’s absolutely ridiculous they already have birthday cards in the shops and it isn’t my birthday until next August!

  • My wife wants something shiny for her birthday that goes from 0 to 150 in less than 4 seconds…I’ve got her a some bathroom scales!

  • I’m in trouble with the wife again. I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday…Apparently it’s pronounced ‘L’Oreal’.

  • What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?Forget it once!

  • I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely,” she replied…Kinder Egg it is then!

  • My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop. They were £70…Bugger this I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web!

  • My daft friend asked me if I wanted to come to her dog’s birthday party on Saturday. Weirdo!My cat gets married then anyway!

  • My girlfriend asked me to check a notification on her phone. I asked her what her password was and she said it was easy – her birthday…Fucking hell. Please help!

  • It’s my wifes birthday today, so I’m taking her out tonight to that place where you can drink as much as you like for £3…The swimming baths!

  • I’m not saying the wife is thick, but I bought her a vibrator for her birthday and she chipped all her teeth on it!

  • It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogs all over our house…So I got her a magazine rack!

  • My missus winked at me and said, “I’d love a big stiff cock for my birthday.”Well she can fuck off if she thinks I’m paying for a sex change for her!

  • The man who invented the tennis ball serving machine had his birthday today…Many happy returns!

  • It’s my old Mum’s birthday tomorrow and we are having some family around. I know that as we raise our glasses to her, she’ll be looking down on us and smiling…We really must get that stairlift fixed!

  • I only ever eat cake on two occasions…When it’s my birthday and when it’s not my birthday!

  • We have a 99 year old man in our darts team so as a surprise we are going to fulfil his wish of spending his centenary birthday in the Caribbean…He’s going to be 100 in Haiti!

  • My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday…I think he must be going soft in his old age!

  • Today was my son’s fourth birthday party. I didn’t recognise him at first…I’d never seen him be four!

  • Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present…She’s going to absolutely love these flowers!

  • l asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”So, I bought her nothing!

  • The bloke who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

  • I’ve opened three birthday cards and I’m already £150 up…I love being a postman!

  • I got my wife a metal detector as a birthday present, but she didn’t like it…Strange as she always likes to dig up things from the past!

  • We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday…You should have seen their little faeces light up!

  • For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.I said “Thanks.” He said “Don’t mention it.”

  • For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.He’s in for a rude awakening.

  • A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.Dad: What? $15,554? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

  • My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday.The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

  • For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

  • I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

  • I couldn’t think what present to get my wife for her birthday, so I asked her.With tears welling in her eyes, she replied, “oh darling, nothing would make me happier than some diamond earrings”.So, I got her nothing.

  • It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.So I got her a magazine rack.

  • I threw a ball for my dog…It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

  • For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.It’s the little things that count.

  • I asked my wife when her birthday was.She said March 1st. So I walked around the room and asked again.

  • I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

  • As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,“You know, one would have been enough.”

  • My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.I’d never seen him be 4.

  • What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?Forget it once.

  • For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.He’s in for a rude awakening.

  • I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”So, I brought her nothing.

  • My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthdayThat’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

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