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Bloke Jokes

  • The bloke who invented the time machine has died. RIP Dave Jones. 1974 1746.


  • I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

  • I once met an Indian bloke in Birmingham and his name was Naan. He wasn’t born here, but he was bread.

  • This bloke in the pub last night was boasting that when he orgasms, he ejaculates up to a pint of semen at a time.I found that a bit hard to swallow

  • A woman walks into a library and says to the bloke behind the counter, “Have you got any books on the female clitoris?” The bloke says, “Yes we have madame, but I don’t know where they are.”

  • I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, “Four, nine.” The other man pushed him back and said, “Sixteen, twenty-five.” A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, “I need some help at the door. We’ve got a couple of men … Read more…

  • I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, “Morning.”He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought He’s trying to pull a fast one.

  • Honestly some folk will take offense at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning at the Bus Stop. All I asked was “How you getting on?”

  • A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says “$1”. A bloke walks by and asks You’re selling your TV for a dollar?’ yup’ It looks brand new!’ It is.’ What’s wrong with it?’ Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can’t change that’ So … Read more…

  • Let’s face it, it’s not the first time Germany’s sent a bunch of blokes to the showers in tears.

  • I was running down a street and saw a bloke, I shouted “Run quick, some lions have escaped from the zoo.”He said “which way are they heading?” I replied “Well, I’m not chasing the fuckers.”

  • I was walking with my wife today when a group of blokes on a building site started shouting things like, “She’s a pig mate,” and, “My dog wouldn’t lick her face.” I looked at her & said, “I’m not fucking having this!”Then I crossed the road & pretended I was waiting for a bus!

  • Can somebody remember to wake the bloke from Green Day up in the morning please?

  • Awkward moment today when my 7 year old son asked me what a dick was…Fortunately a bloke in a Man Utd shirt was passing us at the same time!

  • “A bloke stood in front of me the other day and in not so many words told me, from here on your whole life is fucked.”“What did he actually say?”“You are now man and wife!”

  • A Welsh bloke persuades his girfriend to try anal for the first time. He says, “If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I’ll stop.”She says, “OK, what’s the safety word?”“Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!”

  • I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today.“Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?” he cried, over and over again.I said, “I’m sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?”“No not really,” he said. “It was the wife’s first husband!”

  • I went to the chip shop and asked for a jumbo sausage.The bloke said, “It won’t be long.”I said, “It better be!”

  • If a bloke remembers the colour of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small tits!

  • As I sat down on the bus the bloke next to me tutted and shifted away…“Typical!” I thought. “The bus is empty and I still end up sitting next to a nutter!”

  • Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. “My mate came off his motorbike today,” he said. “Oh really?” I asked. “Yes,” he replied. “He has slight brain damage, 2 broken arms and is completely blind in one eye.” “Blimey,” I said. “No wonder he came off it then!”

  • The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 10 pence…I thought, “What a cheap skate!”

  • A bloke just asked me if I’d any idea where he could get a new wig from…I said, “Not off the top of my head!”

  • Someone always jumps in front of me when I’m queuing at Tesco. Today it was a bloke wearing sunglasses…If he does it again I might kick his labrador!

  • A priest once said to me, “Do you know what happens when you die?”“Well yes”, I replied. “The kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again, and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was!”

  • I saw a job advert for a fanny waxers assistant, to prepare clients, clean & wash them after treatment. I applied at the Jobcentre. The bloke said I had to go to Cornwall. I said, “Why? Is that where the job is?” The bloke said, “No. That’s where the end of the fucking queue is!”

  • Some bloke offered me a free gate last night.I said, “What’s the catch?”He said, “It’s the bit that allows it to open and close!”

  • Operator: “999 what’s your emergency?”Me: “A bloke just got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.”Operator: “What’s your location?”Me: “I’m on Eucalyptus Street.”Operator: “Spell that for me please?”Me: “Hang on. I’ll drag him to Elm Street and I’ll call you back!”

  • An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.The hitman says, “It’ll be a quick kill, I’ll shoot her just below the left tit.”The husband says, “I want her dead, not fucking kneecapped!”

  • The bloke who invented anagrams passed away today…May he erect a penis!

  • As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night’s car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I’m actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity…But I wasn’t Bjorn yesterday!

  • A bloke goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barman says, “Why are you drinking so fast?” The bloke says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The barman says, “What do you have?” The bloke replies, “About 75p!”

  • Have you heard about the bloke who discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay?He’s still in Daniel!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”

  • I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, ‘I’m going to play it by ear!”

  • A bloke down the pub told me the increase in fuel prices doesn’t affect him because he only ever sticks 20 quid in!

  • I was in Tesco and saw a bloke off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. But when the police arrived they arrested me instead of him…Apparently they use actors on the show!

  • Not driving your car and keeping the mileage low to maximise the resale value is like not shagging your girlfriend to keep her fanny tight for the next bloke!

  • A bloke walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cling film for shorts.The psychiatrist says, “Well I can clearly see your nuts!”

  • The bloke who runs our local auction died today. He was very young…He must have only been thirty, thirty five, forty, forty five, fifty, going!

  • A bloke just offered me forty grand a year to work for him at the brittle bones society.I snapped his hand off!

  • I saw a bloke at Starbucks earlier, with no phone, no tablet, no laptop…He’s just sat there drinking coffee…Like a psychopath!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”#GrandNational2022

  • I was walking along the beach carrying a tub of guacamole.A bloke said to me, “What are you doing?” I replied, “I’m just taking a dip in the sea!”

  • A bloke knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”I said, “You’ve got the wrong fucking house then pal!”

  • A bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and fries please.”“Certainly sir,” I said. “Eating in or take out?”“Fuck off you prick!” he said as he walked off with his food…I love working in the prison canteen!

  • “Sorry I’m late home,” I said as I arrived back from work. “Some bloke had lost a £50 note in Tesco.”“Were you helping him look for it?” asked my wife.“No. I was standing on it!”

  • I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked, “How are you so good at this?”“Years of practice,” she replied.“Bit of a player in your day?” I laughed.“No, I used to be a bloke!”

  • A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery.The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.The bloke excitedly asks for the good news.The surgeon says, “Well, you are about to get a new fucking dog!”

  • The bloke who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

  • I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside yesterday.“Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?” he cried, over and over again.I said, “I’m sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?”“No not really,” he said. “It was the wife’s first husband!”

  • Just seen my ex with her new bloke and I couldn’t help but notice how much he looked exactly like me when I was with her…Fucking miserable!

  • A bloke broke into my house last night and was looking for money…So I got up and looked with him!

  • Just saw a bloke on a bus get struck by lightning…I rushed over to see if he was ok. The driver said, “He’s fine, he’s a conductor!”

  • A bloke goes into a cafe near the Arctic Circle and asks the waiter what’s on the menu.The waiter says, “We have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat. And today’s special is the Vera Lynn.”“What’s that?” asks the bloke.“Whale meat again,” says the waiter.

  • A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle.I said to my mate, “It’s going to kick off in a minute!”

  • They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn’t move a muscle.So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours…Then a bloke approached me and said, “The zoo is about to close sir!”

  • Me and the wife went to the cinema to watch a film. Half way through my wife whispered to me, “The bloke next to me is masturbating.”I told her, “Just ignore him.”She replied, “I can’t. He’s using my hand!”

  • A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the landlord, “Fuck me, that must be one clever dog.” “Not really”, said the landlord. “Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging!”

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