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Blood Jokes

  • I just got told by my dentist that he is homosexual. Bloody Tooth Fairy!


  • A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

  • When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.

  • Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl. “Bloody hell, Sherlock! What’d you think you’re doing bangin’ that chick. She looks like she’s in high school!” Sherlock replied, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

  • So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he’d get a Bloody Mary.

  • If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.

  • If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?

  • Some family is never more than just blood.

  • Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…

  • You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.

  • I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

  • Luis Suarez is teaming up with Joe Hart to advertise Head and bloody Shoulders.

  • Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese. Called a builder, he was also Chinese. Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well ! Bloody Yellow Pages

  • It’s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I’d of sent a bloody letter

  • Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.

  • When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”

  • Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.

  • Try this: In a crowded hallway, say out loud, “Oh my god look at the blood on her pants.” Whatever girl turns around is on her period..

  • I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.

  • Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

  • A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says “think I might be a type-O”.

  • Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

  • I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

  • Bloody thespians, always making a scene.

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must have been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • It has been so bloody windy here recently that my wheelie bin is now on a speed awareness course!

  • Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?In case she needed to draw blood!

  • Save money on expensive smoothies by just chewing the bloody fruit yourself!

  • Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days…At my mother-in-law’s, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, I could barely afford the face-painting!

  • I work all hours every bloody week to provide a great Christmas for the kids. And what happens? Some fat twat with a beard gets all the credit…Still, my fault for marrying her I suppose!

  • Bloody autocorrect strikes again…The other day I sent my best mate a text saying ‘Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?’I mean, how embarrassing…I meant ‘canal’

  • BREAKING: Santa Claus was testing his new sleigh when he crashed…He needs a blood transfusion urgently, however he has a very rare blood group. It’s O O O!

  • My wife says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong I’m taking her out for tea and biscuits today…It should be quite exciting as she’s never given blood before!

  • A girl texts her mum. “Mum I need advice. I’ve got my boyfriend’s cum in my hair. Will I have to cut it out?”Mum: “Don’t worry you won’t have to cut it out. I’ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years. It will wash out.”Girl: “Sorry Mum. Bloody autocorrect. I meant gum!”

  • I was so drunk last night, I literally crawled home and as I pulled myself up the front steps, my wife was waiting. “Sorry darling, I’m a little bit drunk,” I said. “Drunk? You left your wheelchair at the bloody pub again!”

  • The door in my new flat works by voice recognition, but only when I sing. Got home the other night and the bloody thing didn’t open. I then realised that I was using the wrong key!

  • A girl visits her doctors & tells him she has a terrible discharge.“Take your knickers off, spread your legs & I’ll check it out.”She drops her knickers, opens her legs & he has a good feel around.“How does that feel?”“Bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ears!”

  • A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”“I’m probably a Type O,” said the rabbit.

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • Had a call from the doctors today. Apparently my blood test showed I have monkeypox…They asked me to swing by the surgery!

  • Just saw our next door neighbour getting a bunch of flowers delivered.I said, “Nice flowers love.”She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be spending all weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air now.”I said, “Bloody hell, get the tight bastard to buy you a fucking vase!”

  • On average, men have sex 2 – 4 times a week. Except Eskimos. Eskimo men only have sex twice a year…This came as a huge shock to me, as I had no idea I was a bloody Eskimo!

  • I was driving home from visiting my sister last night and I had a police car right up my arse for the whole journey…I wish her kids would put their bloody toys away!

  • Makes sense that Greggs should go into fashion…Their sausage rolls are so flaky you end up wearing half the bloody thing anyway!

  • My wife says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong I’m taking her out for tea and biscuits today…It should be quite exciting as she has never given blood before!

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!”It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • Why do nurses always carry red crayons?In case they need to draw blood!

  • I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.“Come on, you stupid cow!” I shouted. “Get a bloody move on!”She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

  • “Where did all these bloody moths come from?”Thomas Edison 1879

  • See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

  • So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didn’t know his blood type.He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.

  • What do you call a blood sucking tax specialist?Account Dracula.

  • Did you know there’s a city where everyone has the same blood type?Taipei.

  • Our dad was in the hospital and they asked us his blood type but we couldn’t remember and he didn’t make it.As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it’s hard without him.

  • A vampires favorite ship.Is a blood vessel.

  • I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!Too many stupid questions; Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

  • My friend got a random nosebleed and commented how weird it is that blood tastes metalic.I said: Yes it’s pretty ironic.

  • A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: Excuse me, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?

  • My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion.As he was dying he kept on insisting to be positive, but it’s very hard without him.

  • I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!Too many stupid questions; Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

  • I donated 4 liters of blood today. Never doing it again though. They ask way to many questions.Who’s blood is this?Where did you get it from?Why do you have it?

  • Why do nurses always carry red crayons?In case they need to draw blood.

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