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Book Jokes

  • I’ve just read a book on how dramatically footballers wives lose their looks once their husbands retire.It’s a real WAGS to witches story.


  • I wrote a book called My permanently exposed penis’. It’s out now.

  • I walked into the library and said, “I’m looking for a brand new book for people who enjoy smelling each other’s farts. Is it in yet?” “Don’t hold your breath,” said the librarian. “That’s the one,’ I replied.

  • I went to the library today and asked for a book on manners. The librarian replied, “We haven’t got any, so fcuk off.”

  • I went to the the local library for a book, I asked the lady for a book on Psycho the Rapist, she said, i think its pronounced Psychotherapist.

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers. The librarian says….

  • I asked the librarian for a book on the Ebola virus. She said, “It’s in Siera Leone at the moment, but it should be here within the next few days!”

  • A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise. The librarian says, “Sure, what Volume would you like?”

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on pick-up lines. The librarian replies, “It’s in my house, if you want to come over and collect it.”

  • A man walks into a library and asks for a book on How to live life to the full with a 2 inch penis’. The librarian says, “That ones just in.”

  • A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Amnesia. The librarian replies, “fuck off, you’ll forget to bring it back” To which the man replies, “bring what back?”

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on euthanasia. The librarian says, “I’ll do my best to assist you”.

  • A man walks into a library and asks for a book on shit punchlines. The librarian directs him to the correct section.

  • A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette’s. The librarian says, “Fcuk off, you cunt.” The man says, “Yep, that’s the one.”

  • I went to the library and asked for a book on rohypnol. That’s the last thing I remember.

  • A man went to a Library and asked for a book on homosexuals. “Go through the back door” said the Librarian. “That’s the one” I replied.

  • Got a great book of Ebay “How To Improve Your memory” But for the life of me I can not remember where I left the fucking thing

  • I don’t understand it, my new book How to Overcome Your Addiction to Shoplifting’ is sold out everywhere, yet I’ve not made a penny.

  • I bought a new book today called “How to end your pet’s life with dignity” Even after I’d read it, I just couldn’t put it down.

  • I’m looking for a book on lack of empathy’, I asked the librarian. Do I look like I give a fcuk?’, he snapped. “Yes, that’s the one’, I said.

  • I’m selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

  • My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: “Where’s the self-help section?” She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  • I recently broke up with a girl. She wasn’t very happy about this and to show how sad she was she wrote this as her Facebook status: “What’s Mickey without Minnie, What’s Tigger without Pooh, What’s Patrick without Spongebob, What’s me without U???” So I commented: “That would make you a Fcking Stpid Dmped Cnt”

  • A man walks into library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, “As a matter of fact, this one’s just arrived.”

  • A woman walks into a library and says to the bloke behind the counter, “Have you got any books on the female clitoris?” The bloke says, “Yes we have madame, but I don’t know where they are.”

  • You can remove a book’s appendix without any problem. But spinal damage is usually fatal.

  • I see the same homeless man scribbling furiously in a notebook every day on my way to work. This morning I stopped to ask him his story. “I am Stephen King’s older brother,” he said. “He stole the ideas for all of his novels from me.” I replied, “Surely you must be Joe.”

  • I just changed my Facebook password to ’14 days’ but it said it was Too weak

  • A man walks into a library and asks for a book on mutilated corpses. The librarian says, “Do you want the Part 1 or Part 2?”

  • A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

  • I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, “How to spot a lady-boy”. He said, “I’m sure we do, it’s probably tucked away somewhere”. I said “That’s the one”.

  • Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. “Shelf E,” replied the librarian. “Aye that’s the one,” said Sean

  • A man walks into a library with a book on suicide. The librarian says, “sorry to hear about your friend”.

  • A man walks into a library and asks for a book on tides. The librarian says, “I’m sorry sir, that’s just gone out.”

  • A co-pilot walks into a library and asks for a number of books on suicide. The librarian says “Are you going to take them all out with you”? “Hmmm” he replies “That’s a good idea”

  • There was this group on Facebook called Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’. So I became a fan.

  • A man goes to the library and asks for a book on satisfying your partner in the bedroom. The librarian said, “Let me check that it’s in first”. “Yeah, that’s the one.”

  • A man walks into a bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, Sir, which one?” The man replies, “William.”

  • Fifty Children’s Books Now At Your Local Library 1-10 You are Different and That’s Bad Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me Dad’s New Wife Greg’ Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An “I-Can-Do-It” Book: A Children’s Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving … Read more…

  • I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

  • I checked an anti-gravity book out of the library… I just can’t put it down.

  • I bought a book yesterday: “101 Uses For Binary”. However, when I got home I was very disappointed to find it only contained five.

  • So, I’m walking through Chicago and I see a sign that says “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around, taking a look, a clerk with a full beard and a towel for a turban stops me and asks if he … Read more…

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not.”

  • Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances? The librarian said ” Well, they used to be over there……”

  • Man walks into library & asks if they have any books on bukkake. The librarian replies, “A lot of people come for that.”

  • Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.

  • I’ve been playing poker on Facebook. So far I’ve poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.

  • I was in the bookstore the other day and came across a book titled “Living with Parkinson’s Disease and Arthritis”. I looked at the back to see what the critics had to say about it. “After an initial shakey start, I just couldn’t put this book down.”

  • H G Wells walked into a library and asked for a book on Time Travel. “Bugger off”said the librarian, “you didn’t bring it back”

  • My new book I wrote on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.

  • A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover.

  • I went to the library today to get a book about conspiracies. There were none there. Coincidence?

  • I’ve just returned from outer space. I took a book to read while I was up there. I couldn’t put it down.

  • Asked the librarian for a book on the female G Spot. He couldn’t find it.

  • Ordered a Book on Female Orgasms. It hasn’t come till now.

  • A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war. The librarian replies, “Fuck off, you’ll lose it.”

  • A man walks into a Library and says, “Oi bitch. I want a fucking book to learn some cunting Spanish. Where the fuck are they?” Librarian says, “There’s no need for that language, sir!” He says, “You’re probably right. They all speak English anyway.”

  • Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. Its about fucking thyme.

  • A woman walks into a library and ask for a book on child birth. The librarian replies C-Section

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on chlamydia. The librarian says, “You’re girlfriend already has it, she said that she gave it to you.”

  • A man walks into a library and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

  • Made a meal out of an old recipe book today. Just tasted like paper really .

  • A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

  • I bought a new book today called X-ray vision for beginners.’ I’m having a look through it now.

  • When the book of Revelations was written, the writer wrote that the end of the world would be signaled by trumpets. In fact, God had said Trump/Pence.

  • Thinks face-book should add a big fat FUCK YOU button!

  • Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving Facebook notifications after a weekend of drinking that says “you have been tagged in a photo”

  • Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”

  • Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb crap

  • My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i’ll lose power and can’t Facebook

  • Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It’s like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, “Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?

  • Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your Random Party Pics 08 album at 4am.

  • Hey guys, just to let you all know I’ll be closing my Facebook account in three days… But in four days I’ll be explaining why I didn’t leave.

  • I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

  • Put that down you fat piece of sh*t’ the title of the dieting book I’m writing.

  • Facebook needs a button that’s the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

  • Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O’Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

  • I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

  • Umm, when someone posts that they’re having a bad day, I don’t think it’s proper Facebook etiquette to “like” their status.

  • Are you on Facebook ? Cos I sure would like to Poke You

  • Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.

  • My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

  • You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie… Because some of you should need to pick drama…

  • Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

  • I take the time every night to read Facebook statuses to my children as part of my stay in school campaign.

  • I need to print some my Facebook friends’ status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my bum with them.

  • I’ve decided I’m not going to have kids. I love babies, but I’m just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

  • Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.

  • If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.

  • Facebook: Making relationship’s look better then they actually are since 2005

  • Females on Facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I’ve ever met in my life.

  • What if you get to heaven and God is like “Nah bra you can’t get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?”

  • Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.

  • Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her my battery just died.

  • Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book…..deserving of a happy ending….

  • Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?

  • When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn’t believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.

  • Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren’t to the friends they really don’t have.

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