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Boss Jokes

  • The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.


  • I walked into the boss’s office and handed him a pear. “What’s this for?” He asked. “A pay rise.” I replied. “My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”

  • I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

  • I texted my boss, “What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter?” He answered, “I don’t know.” I replied, “I’m not coming in this morning.”

  • My boss accused me of not forwarding an email her way. I resent that.

  • On Monday I said to my boss, “I have a dentist’s appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?” “No problem,” he said. On Friday he pulled me up and said, “What’s this? You’ve put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o’clock on Monday.” … Read more…

  • My boss turned round this morning and called me a “bullshitter.” I’m not too worried about it though he didn’t really.

  • I was bored at work today so I started to draw mini watches on each of my fingers, and drew a clock on my palm. My boss saw me after i’d finished and told me he’d find me some extra jobs to do because I have too much time on my hands.

  • All I got my wife for her birthday was a mirror. That’ll show her who’s boss.

  • After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I don’t like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

  • The boss at work is forcing us all to use the toilet only at designated times. It’s my turn to go now.. I don’t need this shit!

  • Sven went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself I’m not hiring that lazy Scandinavian, so he decided to set up a test for Sven hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an … Read more…

  • My boss yelled at me yesterday “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?”…

  • The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

  • Went from being single to being single like a boss.

  • My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”. I’m currently sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my batman costume!

  • I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that’s what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

  • Went for a job interview! The Boss looked over my resume’ and says “For someone with absolutely no experience you sure are asking for a high salary!” I said “Well, Du’h…everyone knows the less you know the harder you have to work!!!”

  • My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes.” I replied, “I’m working at the moment, I will send you one later.” He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”

  • Am sorry boss, I know I said I’d do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.

  • I text-ed my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

  • My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.

  • My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

  • My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

  • If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.

  • Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

  • Boss: You can’t drink while you’re working! Me: Oh, I’m not working.

  • Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

  • I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

  • My boss told me “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

  • On the occasion of Women’s Day…my wife decided to take a rest …so I am the boss for today…..

  • If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

  • Boss: Why aren’t you working? Me: I didn’t see you coming!

  • I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.

  • 1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.

  • If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

  • My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.

  • I had my work appraisal yesterday. The boss said, “There is no I in team.” To which I replied, “But there is a U in cu*t.”

  • I just updated my Facebook status as “Gonna chill in the garden with a few beers :).” My boss commented “I thought you were sick? Lying about your health is against company policy and is a very serious matter.” I replied “And so is using the work’s internet to go on social networking sites.”

  • Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here

  • I love Summer. Two weeks of doing absolutely f*ck all. And, once my boss gets back, I get to go on holiday as well.

  • Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

  • Whenever I get called into my boss’s office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

  • My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded ” if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year”

  • My boss told me that if I can’t show up sober then don’t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!

  • My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. I am jobless now.

  • Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

  • My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

  • My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

  • My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I’m over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

  • My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

  • I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.

  • Dad: Where can I get a potato clock?Son: Why a potato clock?!?Dad: I’ve got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock

  • My boss asked me if I could work Saturday.I told him, “I may be a bit late.”“When do you think you’ll be able get in?” he asked.“Monday!” I replied.

  • My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn’t she laugh at them anymore…She replied, “Because your jokes aren’t remotely funny!”

  • My boss yelled at me this morning, “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?”I said, “It’s Friday!”

  • I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”Then I said, “Turn left here!”

  • There was a scandal at the Heinz factory where I worked, which was supposed to be kept in house…My boss just fired me for spilling the beans!

  • I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.He said, “Only if you make up the time.”I said, “OK. It’s 35 past 50!”

  • My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn’t help but admire it.“Nice car,” I said as he got out.“Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks. “Work hard, put the hours in, and this time next year I’ll have an even better one!”

  • “Fucking hell!” said my boss as I walked into work today. “What the fuck did you drink last night?”“Nothing” I replied. “Why?”He said, “You absolutely stink of alcohol!”“That’ll probably be the 4 cans I had on the bus this morning then!”

  • My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.“Wow!” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”

  • “Boss, I’ve got a probl-”“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

  • My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…Especially when his name is Steve!

  • My boss said he finds it highly suspicious that I’m only sick on weekdays….I said it must be my weekend immune system!

  • My boss told me to have a good day…So I went home!

  • I had a row with my boss at lunchtime yesterday…One of the perks of working at a boating lake!

  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?”I said, “Ooh, I’ll just have one please.”She said, “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”“Alright,” I said. “I’ll just have one then, you stupid bitch!”

  • My boss turned up at work today in a brand new Bentley. I said, “Wow! What a beautiful car.”He said, “If you work hard and put in the hours, I’ll be able to buy another one next year!”

  • Just met the local Glasgow mafia boss…He made me an offer I couldn’t understand!

  • My boss calls me ‘the computer’.Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes!

  • My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days…I said, “It must be my weekend immune system!”

  • Got sacked from my job on the keyboard assembly line…The boss said I never put in a decent shift!

  • At the job interview the boss asked, “So, what is your worst trait?”“Probably my honesty.”“I don’t think that’s a bad trait.”“Well, I don’t really care what you think!”

  • I called my boss this morning and said, “I won’t be coming in today, my brother died last night.”“How many brothers do you have?” he asked.“6,” I replied.“Gotcha!” he said. “You’ve used this excuse 7 times now. How is this possible?”I said, “I used to have 13 brothers!”

  • By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  • My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn’t she laugh at them anymore.She replied, Because your jokes aren’t remotely funny.

  • My Boss asked me who the stupid one is, Me or Him?I said, Everybody knows, you don’t hire stupid people.

  • My boss hates it when I shorten his name to dick.Especially when his name is Steve.

  • My boss calls me the computer.Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

  • I told my boss, Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.Boss: Hard drive?Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

  • My boss said, I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.I said, It must be my weekend immune system.

  • I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.I could not live off of that celery.

  • My boss said “You’ve been late 5 days this week. You know what that means, don’t you?”I said “I certainly do. IT’S FRIDAY!”

  • Boss, How good are you at Power Point? Me, I excel at it. Boss, Was that a Microsoft Office pun?Me, Word.

  • My boss said I was fired.Why? I asked.He said, You always question my authority.I said, How?

  • My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn’t she laugh at them anymore.She replied, Because your jokes aren’t remotely funny.

  • Man: Boss, I’m sorry I’m late. I was having computer problems.Boss: Hard Drive?Man: No, the commute was ok. It’s my laptop.

  • (At my boss’s funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin):Who’s thinking outside the box now Gary?

  • My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.I said it must be my weekend immune system.

  • My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick.Especially when his name is Steve.

  • Boss texts me: Send me one of those funny dad jokes.Me: I can’t I’m busy working.Boss: That’s hilarious. Do you have anymore?

  • In an interview the boss asked me Do you have any experience?I told him Yes, this is my 20th interview.

  • A bossy man goes into a bar.He orders everyone a round.

  • My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that’s an amazing car.If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.

  • My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.Especially because his name’s Steve.

  • Boss – Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.Me – Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.Boss – What time will you get here?Me – Monday.

  • Me: Can I leave work early?Boss: Only if you make up the time.Me: OK 45 past 60.Boss: You’re fired.

  • Today I showed up late for work. The boss yelled, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’I replied, Why? What happened at 8.30?’

  • Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

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