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Boy Jokes

  • And for our next band, would you please welcome The Bailiffs…

    Take it away boys!


  • My neighbour went into labour this afternoon and I ended up helping her deliver it on the garden trampoline…I’m pleased to say she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy!

  • I saw this girl crying, so I asked what was wrong.“I split up with my boyfriend because he’s a sexist pig.”“I’m a great listener if you want to talk more,” I replied.“You don’t even know me,” she cried. “Why would you want to listen to me?”“Because you have massive tits!”

  • My daughter said, “Dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?”I said, “Can he fuck!”She said, “Like a rabbit!”

  • What do you call a boy who brings your daughter home late from a date?An ambulance!

  • Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.The first priest says, “I don’t know how you do it.”The second replies, “One of my choirboys is epileptic!”

  • Kids today don’t know how well off they are. I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas…No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs!

  • A girl texts her mum. “Mum I need advice. I’ve got my boyfriend’s cum in my hair. Will I have to cut it out?”Mum: “Don’t worry you won’t have to cut it out. I’ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years. It will wash out.”Girl: “Sorry Mum. Bloody autocorrect. I meant gum!”

  • My son was doing his homework and he asked me what I knew about Galileo.I said, “He’s just a poor boy from a poor family!”

  • I entered my sons room and said, “Remember boy, masturbating can make you go blind.”“I’m over here dad,” he replied.

  • My wife and I decided it was time to come clean, and tell our boy he’s adopted…He didn’t take it too badly, just sat there and said, “Meow!”

  • BREAKING NEWSA boy born without eyelids has successfully had surgery, taking away part of his foreskin to use as eyelids…The surgeon said, “The surgery went really well, although he will be left cock eyed!”

  • As a small boy, I shared a bed with my 5 big brothers, and an old raincoat instead of a blanket…It was tough growing up in the hood!

  • I was watchin an 18-rated film when my little boy walked in.He said, “Dad, I’m scared. Is that lady going to die?”I said, “Probably son, judging by the size of the cock on that horse!”

  • The wife was all dressed as a pedal bin for the fancy dress party when it was cancelled at the last minute..Boy did she flip her lid!

  • I went to pick up the results for my priest exam today.The Cardinal said to me, “Why didn’t you answer the question – What should you do if you see a choir boy being sexually abused by a member of the church?”I said, “I didn’t see it.”“Is the correct answer!” he replied.

  • The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology…Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E!

  • When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform, a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent…She’s always a little krankie in the morning!

  • A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.A man came over and said, “Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health.”The boy replied, “Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old.”“By eating chocolates?” the man asked.“No, by minding his own business!”

  • I bumped into my ex in town today. I asked her how her new boyfriend was.“He’s twice the man you’ll ever be!” she said with a smug look on her face. “How’s your new girlfriend?”“Luckily, she’s half the woman you’ll ever be, you fat cunt!”

  • A young boy in the bath with his mum asks, “What’s that hairy thing?”Mum says, “That’s my sponge son.”The boy says, “Oh yeah, the babysitter has got one, too. I’ve seen her washing dad’s face with it!”

  • I received a text message earlier:“Hey big boy, fancy me sucking your cock tonight?”Straight away I texted back, Go fuck yourself & delete this number.”Moments later I got another text:“It’s your wife silly, lol. Did you not recognise my new number? x”“Yes!” I replied.

  • My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.Luckily, my wife was there to save his life…She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!

  • A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned”…The priest replies angrily, “You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!”

  • A little boy ran up to me and said, “Please help. My Dad is in a fight.”I followed the boy when we came across two men fighting. I said to the boy, “Ok, which one is your Dad?”“I dunno,” he said. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

  • I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, “You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever.”She said, “My boyfriend is right behind you.”“Good, I’m glad I’ve got his support!”

  • BREAKING NEWSBoy George has been attacked by a lizard on ‘I’m a Celebrity’.They should have got a calmer chameleon!#ImACelebrity

  • A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.

  • It was eleven years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting It’s a boy! with tears streaming down his face.We never went back to Thailand.

  • I googled ‘lost medieval servant boy’The result was ‘This page cannot be found.’

  • A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.Dad: What? $15,554? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

  • If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

  • My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

  • Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.

  • I googled lost medieval servant- boy.The result was this page cannot be found.

  • My wife just completed a 40-week body building routine.Its a baby boy weighing 7 pounds!

  • I just flew back from a Transformers convention.And boy are my arms tires.

  • I entered my sons room and said: Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind.I’m over here dad. He replied.

  • What is the favourite magazine among priests?Prayboy.

  • The Beach Boys walk into a bar.Round?Round…Get a round?I’ll get a round…

  • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me..because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

  • Genie: What is your final wish?Boy: I wish I were you.Genue: weurd but alrught.

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