Capital Jokes

Q: Why is the letter E like London? A: Because it is the capital of England.

Said the first, “I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.” “I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer.” “Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner. “What’s that make me?” The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of violence and music.” “That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?” “It means that when I want your bloody advice, I’ll whistle.”

January – Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February – Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter. March – Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years.” April – Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May – Couldn’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets. June – Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August – Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September – When asked what the capital of California was: answered “C.” October – Hates M &M;’s because they are so hard to peel. November – Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December – Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11” on any of the phone buttons.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 2006: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 2007: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer! March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!” April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!! June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft-top was open. September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it? October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel. November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!! December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions – “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?” The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?” The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one… ——————————————————————– Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note ….” Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ———————————————————— Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates! ——————————————————————– Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it… ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It’s not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening… ——————————————————————– Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ——————————————————————- A customer couldn’t get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer. ——————————————————————– Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”. Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered “C”. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Q: What kind of letters would you send to capital cities? A: Capital letters.

On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’ The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’ Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher. ‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied. ‘What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher. ‘Pockets!’ said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India Sadly, the End. Sad, but oh so true! Here’s something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter’s results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads. IF THIS WASN’T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.” They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year. ” The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.” They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s rib, said, “That’s once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one.” The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M”, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits? Teaching Math in 1980:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996:By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997:A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000,had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998:A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company? Teaching Math in 1999:A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people was trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. At 00:01, 01/01/2000 his cell door automatically opened and he escaped. Should he be allowed to log again? Maybe this should be renamed “progress” ? ? Teaching Math in 2000:In order to clear over grown forest, the U.S. Forest Service sets the forest on fire. A process they call Prescribed Burn. The fire gets out of control and burns peoples homes and threatens a Nuclear Development Center. The Tax payer has to pay to fight the fire. Would logging this area have been a better solution????

Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the capital of England.

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.When I asked why, he said, “Because I was told my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital!”

From now on I’m going to write all jokes in capitals…This one was written in London!

I’ve got a job helping a one armed typist when she needs to do capital letters.It’s shift work!

During a recent password audit at work the following password came to light: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin.The employee was asked why he had such a long password. He said, “I was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital!”

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

Why isn’t Hungary’s capital city called “Very”

The wife said she’s leaving me because she’s sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you’re wondering why she’s typed everything’ in capitals,it’s to emphasize the point.

I found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital.

My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHuey LouieDewevDublin.Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital.