Car Jokes

  • My sister bet me $1000 I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

  • Last night I dreamt I was a car muffler. It was awful. I woke up exhausted.

  • A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

  • Just parked the car at the hospital, when an attendant says to me, “You can’t park there, that’s for badge holders only.”I replied “That’s okay, I’ve got a bad shoulder!”

  • I felt sorry for an older man collecting loads of trolleys in the Tesco car park…He must be pushing 60!

  • I went dogging with the wife last night. Never again…By the time she’d finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

  • Scientists have today announced they have invented a car that is fuelled by parsley… They are now working on a train that runs on thyme!

  • I noticed my neighbour putting a ‘Princess On Board’ sign in his car window. “Alright mate?” I said. “I didn’t realise you had a daughter.” “We don’t,” he replied. “Our son came out as gay this morning!”

  • Saw an old man collecting trolleys in the supermarket car park today.I felt sorry for him… He must have been pushing 70!

  • I took my old car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise…He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine!

  • If you break down in an electric car you can use the AA, unless it’s a small electric car in which case you need the AAA!

  • “What’s your name?”“Dave Fucking Smith”“Do you suffer from Tourette’s, Dave?”“No, but the Vicar at my Christening did!”

  • As my wife and her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered, “Fat fucking cows!”“What was that?” she said.“You herd!”

  • Twitter is full of people who think they’re worse off than everybody else. You all need to be more like my mate Dave…He had a bad car crash where he lost his vocal chords and both his legs. You don’t see him making a song and dance about it!

  • As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night’s car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I’m actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity…But I wasn’t Bjorn yesterday!

  • If you had to choose between a lottery jackpot and your missus…What car would you buy?

  • Went to put some petrol in the car today at pump 3. Pulled up and noticed the person before me had put just £10 in their car…Where the hell they going on £10? To pump 4?

  • I went to hospital yesterday to have an operation and there was a sign in the car park saying ‘Thieves operate here’.Personally I prefer doctors, so I left!

  • Engineers have made a car that can run on parsley…Now they’re hoping to make buses that run on thyme!

  • I pulled up next to a Porsche at the traffic lights.“Nice car mate,” I said. “Must’ve set you back a fair bit?”“£119,500,” he replied, with a smug grin on his face.“Wow, just think,” I said. “Another £500 and you could have got some fucking indicators fitted as well!”

  • I’ve just crashed into somebody else’s car outside of Eton College…It was a right toff!

  • Not driving your car and keeping the mileage low to maximise the resale value is like not shagging your girlfriend to keep her fanny tight for the next bloke!

  • I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, “Love your neighbour.” I shouted back, “Me too, cracking pair of tits!”

  • My car ran out of fuel, so I called my insurance company…They wrote my car off!

  • The wife isn’t speaking to me, all because I wouldn’t open the car door for her…It’s not my fault. I just panicked and swam to the surface!

  • A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss…This is very true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss. Can’t think what the car was though!

  • What do we want?Race car noises!When do we want them?Neeeooowwwww!

  • This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.He said, “I’m not happy.”I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

  • I didn’t fart in front of my wife until we were married…I don’t think the vicar was too impressed!

  • Just finished converting my car to electric. Swapped the petrol engine for the motor from a tumble drier…Going to take it for a spin!

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