Car Jokes

  • If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning” That mf!

  • Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he’ll try and kill you……….Bad Breath

  • Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone as a light, yup that high..

  • A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.

  • If you know I’m I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead…

  • My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t totally destroy my phone

  • Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. I’d peak out my window for that.

  • Thinking of getting a government grant to study … Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

  • How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

  • It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

  • People who remote lock their car 2 times seriously have trust issues. Personally, I do it 3 times but that’s just my OCD.

  • My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.

  • According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.

  • Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide. Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar.

  • What’s the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target

  • Sometimes I wonder if I’m being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry.

  • New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit …I bet that “new car smell” doesn’t last very f*cking long.

  • Ironic! That even if Oscar pistorious is found not guilty .He still won’t walk free

  • Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

  • There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

  • I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that’s all I see, ugly is the new hot!

  • According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…

  • Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.

  • My friend Carlos got his car stolen. We just call him Los now.

  • Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.

  • Nike has to stop it with this “Just do it”. First it was Tiger Woods. Then Lance Armstrong. And now Oscar Pistorius.

  • Lance Armstrong, Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods all sponsored by Nike. Perhaps they should change there slogan to “Don’t do it!”

  • If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it’s don’t trust athletes with missing body parts

  • The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I’m done picking my nose, I’m gonna smile and wave.

  • I’m interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

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