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Car Jokes

  • And the Oscar goes to……………………………… Court for killing his girlfriend.


  • Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?

  • Oscar Pistorius said he wanted a new bathroom door….. But his girlfriend was dead against it

  • My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded ” if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year”

  • Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticeable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

  • HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don’t Drink & Drive!

  • Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I’d look out the window for that.

  • Highways need 4 lanes per side. A racecar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.

  • Can someone help me, I can’t remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for Sea Biscuit?

  • If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic

  • Actually….The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

  • I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

  • Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you’re married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.

  • Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.

  • If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee’s to chest b!tch , knee’s to chest!!!

  • The reason you can’t go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.

  • You don’t give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

  • My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

  • My sister bet me $1000 I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

  • Last night I dreamt I was a car muffler. It was awful. I woke up exhausted.

  • A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

  • Just parked the car at the hospital, when an attendant says to me, “You can’t park there, that’s for badge holders only.”I replied “That’s okay, I’ve got a bad shoulder!”

  • I felt sorry for an older man collecting loads of trolleys in the Tesco car park…He must be pushing 60!

  • I went dogging with the wife last night. Never again…By the time she’d finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

  • Scientists have today announced they have invented a car that is fuelled by parsley… They are now working on a train that runs on thyme!

  • I noticed my neighbour putting a ‘Princess On Board’ sign in his car window. “Alright mate?” I said. “I didn’t realise you had a daughter.” “We don’t,” he replied. “Our son came out as gay this morning!”

  • Saw an old man collecting trolleys in the supermarket car park today.I felt sorry for him… He must have been pushing 70!

  • I took my old car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise…He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine!

  • If you break down in an electric car you can use the AA, unless it’s a small electric car in which case you need the AAA!

  • “What’s your name?”“Dave Fucking Smith”“Do you suffer from Tourette’s, Dave?”“No, but the Vicar at my Christening did!”

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