Topics

Cat Jokes

  • I used to be in a band called Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.


  • I turned into a cat earlier. Don’t ask meow.

  • Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not.”

  • A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners. Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.

  • I invented a Glass Coffin, but I don’t know if it will catch on. Remains to be seen.

  • How many Dubstep fans does it take to catch a fish? Three. One to fish and two to catch the bass as it drops.

  • I love my cat, and my cat loves me. The feline’s mutual.

  • Do I agree that education is getting too expensive? To a degree, yes.

  • Snatch, twat, fanny, cunt, pussy, box, split-arse, and of course vagina. Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.

  • Yesterday I tried to catch the fog… Mist.

  • A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asks the clerk. … “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 24 Baptist and 12 Presbyterian, 30 Catholic and 8 Methodist.”

  • When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. … … The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day.

  • Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving Facebook notifications after a weekend of drinking that says “you have been tagged in a photo”

  • Give a girl a slutty costume and she’ll whore around for one night. Give her a bad education and she’ll whore around forever.

  • When a girl doesn’t invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it’s because she’s a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

  • I remember one time when I was high… I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

  • Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn’t die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?

  • Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.

  • If you ever feel uncomfortable in your body, just remember that Pornhub wouldn’t keep their fat girl category if guys didn’t like it and it wasn’t making them money.

  • Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?

  • A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 “Combo”!!!

  • I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked “Is the momma cat friendly?” I said “Well….Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!”

  • Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”

  • I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a “Best Nip Slip” category… or “Best Back Burger.”

  • The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won’t need to adjust her driving.

  • This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him “You passed my house, let me out” & he’s all like “Sir I’m a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication.”

  • I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn’t fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t catch it.

  • Welcome to Facebook. Please choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen.

  • Please don’t drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate i was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand

  • Question on my Visa Application “have you ever been convicted of a crime ?” followed by “explain why”… so I put “no” and “good lawyer.

  • A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

  • You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

  • Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”

  • My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said “Jersey Shore”…Was I wrong?

  • Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

  • The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

  • Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.

  • Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

  • You’re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

  • Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

  • I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.

  • Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

  • When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?

  • There is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.

  • My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

  • Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

  • Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

  • I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

  • Oh you got “Swag”? Don’t forget to put that on your Burger King Application.

  • If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won’t stop looking.

  • Best Fortune cookie ever: “Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application.”

  • Never tell a woman to calm down when she’s drunk, it’s like baptizing a cat. It’s not gonna work

  • I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

  • It’s complicated” is just code for, “I’m willing to cheat.”

  • I bet the Chinese get excited when it’s raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

  • My girlfriend just said, “Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I’ve packed your bags.” I think she’s kicking meeeowt.

  • Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.

  • A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

  • Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

  • When an intoxicated person is blabbering, 60% of whatever he/she says is true.

  • How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.

  • For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

  • I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, “here fill this out”..?

  • Realized that I’m getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they’re all on medication…

  • I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.

  • Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”

  • “It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.

  • This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.

  • I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.

  • No “It’s not complicated”. One of you is just a dumbass.

  • To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who’s buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

  • If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats…

  • Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

  • Why do girls have to get periods? Why can’t Mother Nature just text us and be all like “yo bitch, you ain’t pregnant. Catch ya next month homegirl”.

  • Your mamma so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!!

  • Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.

  • 50 notifications later and I regret commenting on your status.

  • If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

  • Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now heis walking around like a sour puss.

  • I’ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don’t talk to me about dedication!

  • I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

  • Wow 15 notifications.. oh wait 13 of them are for farmville, cityville, I dont give a shit-ville

  • The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

  • Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you.

  • You know your vacation sucks when you’re constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

  • The Pope just changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated…

  • Guys, for Valentine’s Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, and “me.” That’ll keep her busy while you watch sports.

  • The restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang. It just says I can’t get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?

  • My girlfriend wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She text-ed me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

  • Wouldn’t it be so cool if life had notifications like, *ONE NEW NOTIFICATION* Your boyfriend/girlfriend just cheated on you..

  • I just found out that his full name is actually….Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

  • Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.

  • If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

  • Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

  • What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?

  • The restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hangout. It just says I can’t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?

  • In case of emergency, exits can be located at the log out, delete, deactivate, hide and block features. Thank you for flying with Facebook

  • Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it’s complicated.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *