Cat Jokes

I turned into a cat earlier. Don’t ask meow.

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not.”

A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners. Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.

I invented a Glass Coffin, but I don’t know if it will catch on. Remains to be seen.

How many Dubstep fans does it take to catch a fish? Three. One to fish and two to catch the bass as it drops.

I love my cat, and my cat loves me. The feline’s mutual.

Do I agree that education is getting too expensive? To a degree, yes.

Snatch, twat, fanny, cunt, pussy, box, split-arse, and of course vagina. Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.

Yesterday I tried to catch the fog… Mist.

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asks the clerk. … “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 24 Baptist and 12 Presbyterian, 30 Catholic and 8 Methodist.”

When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. … … The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day.

Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving Facebook notifications after a weekend of drinking that says “you have been tagged in a photo”

Give a girl a slutty costume and she’ll whore around for one night. Give her a bad education and she’ll whore around forever.

When a girl doesn’t invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it’s because she’s a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

I remember one time when I was high… I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn’t die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.

If you ever feel uncomfortable in your body, just remember that Pornhub wouldn’t keep their fat girl category if guys didn’t like it and it wasn’t making them money.

Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?

A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 “Combo”!!!

I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked “Is the momma cat friendly?” I said “Well….Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!”

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”

I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a “Best Nip Slip” category… or “Best Back Burger.”

The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won’t need to adjust her driving.

This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him “You passed my house, let me out” & he’s all like “Sir I’m a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication.”

I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn’t fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t catch it.

Welcome to Facebook. Please choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen.

Please don’t drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate i was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand

Question on my Visa Application “have you ever been convicted of a crime ?” followed by “explain why”… so I put “no” and “good lawyer.

A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”

My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said “Jersey Shore”…Was I wrong?

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.

Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

You’re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.

Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?

There is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Oh you got “Swag”? Don’t forget to put that on your Burger King Application.

If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won’t stop looking.

Best Fortune cookie ever: “Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application.”

Never tell a woman to calm down when she’s drunk, it’s like baptizing a cat. It’s not gonna work

I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

It’s complicated” is just code for, “I’m willing to cheat.”

I bet the Chinese get excited when it’s raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

My girlfriend just said, “Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I’ve packed your bags.” I think she’s kicking meeeowt.

Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

When an intoxicated person is blabbering, 60% of whatever he/she says is true.

How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.

For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, “here fill this out”..?

Realized that I’m getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they’re all on medication…

I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.

Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”

“It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.

This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.

I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.

No “It’s not complicated”. One of you is just a dumbass.

To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who’s buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats…

Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

Why do girls have to get periods? Why can’t Mother Nature just text us and be all like “yo bitch, you ain’t pregnant. Catch ya next month homegirl”.

Your mamma so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!!

Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.

50 notifications later and I regret commenting on your status.

If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now heis walking around like a sour puss.

I’ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don’t talk to me about dedication!

I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

Wow 15 notifications.. oh wait 13 of them are for farmville, cityville, I dont give a shit-ville

The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you.

You know your vacation sucks when you’re constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

The Pope just changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated…

Guys, for Valentine’s Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, and “me.” That’ll keep her busy while you watch sports.

The restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang. It just says I can’t get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?

My girlfriend wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She text-ed me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

Wouldn’t it be so cool if life had notifications like, *ONE NEW NOTIFICATION* Your boyfriend/girlfriend just cheated on you..

I just found out that his full name is actually….Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.

If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?

The restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hangout. It just says I can’t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?

In case of emergency, exits can be located at the log out, delete, deactivate, hide and block features. Thank you for flying with Facebook

Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it’s complicated.