Chest Jokes

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!”

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?” The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?” The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?”

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.” “Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?” Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,” I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.” The minister responded, ” That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!” “A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He takes off his pants and the blonde says,’ “What massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”

What’s the richest kind of air? A millionaire.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and stabs himself to death. The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?” And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!”

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

Q: What’s the richest kind of air? A: A millionaire.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.” “Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?” Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,” I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.” The minister responded, ” That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!” “A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”

An orchestra is playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do. So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, “Hey, we better get going.” But another says, “No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor’s sheet music together, so we’ll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out.” So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats aroundhim. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

A rich business man wakes up one morning to hear the voice of God in his head. “I WANT YOU TO SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE” boomed the celestial voice. The business man feels that God must have some purpose for him in life so he gets on the phone and sells all his property, his cars, his business. No sooner has he cashed the check for all he had sold than God speaks to him again. “I WANT YOU TO GO TO LAS VEGAS AND PLACE ALL YOUR MONEY ON ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK”. The business man hops on a plane and lands in Las Vegas, walks into a casino, goes up to a black jack table and places his many millions on one hand. He is shaking as the dealer deals his hand, but it’s an 18 and he begins to feel a bit better. But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man’s hand is shaking as he motions to the dealer to hit him. She turns over the card and it’s an ace! He is only up to 19 and still safe! But again God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The business man can’t believe it but he figures God must have some sort of plan for him. Sweat is dripping onto the table as he leans over and asks the dealer to hit him again. He can barely watch as the dealer turns over the card and again it’s an ace! He can’t believe it, two aces in a row! But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man begins to protest, the chances of him going bust and losing everything were too high, but God says, sharplike, “JUST TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man can’t see what God is planning for him but he goes ahead with it, fully convinced he’s about to loose everything. His hands are shaking and he can feel an odd tightness in his chest as the dealer gets ready to turn over the card. It seems to take eternity for her to turn it over but when she does he can see it’s a third ace! And God says “UN-FUKIN-BELIEVABLE!!”

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, sir,” she ask quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight.”

An orchestra is playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do.So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, “Hey, we better get going.”But another says, “No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor’s sheet music together, so we’ll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out.”So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

A brunette went to the doctors. “Doctor,” she said. “Help me. I hurt all over.” “Sit down,” said the doctor, “And tell me exactly what is wrong.” “If I touch here,” she said, poking her thigh, “It hurts like hell. It also hurts here, here and here,” she added, poking her chest, forehead and foot in turn. “Oh dear,” said the doctor “This is serious. Tell me, when did you dye your hair?” “What on earth do you mean?” asked the young woman. “Well you are a natural blonde aren’t you?” asked the doctor. “I am doctor,” she said. “But how did you know?” The doctor replied, “You’ve broken your finger.”A brunette went to the doctors. “Doctor,” she said. “Help me. I hurt all over.” “Sit down,” said the doctor, “And tell me exactly what is wrong.” “If I touch here,” she said, poking her thigh, “It hurts like hell. It also hurts here, here and here,” she added, poking her chest, forehead and foot in turn. “Oh dear,” said the doctor “This is serious. Tell me, when did you dye your hair?” “What on earth do you mean?” asked the young woman. “Well you are a natural blonde aren’t you?” asked the doctor. “I am doctor,” she said. “But how did you know?” The doctor replied, “You’ve broken your finger.”

What is a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.” Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.”

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.” “What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant. “Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine.” “Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!” “How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver. “That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. “What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant. “That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver. “Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts… 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say….” Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time ’cause the bus doesn’t leave till morning!”

Chuck Norris’ chest hair has chest hair.

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.” Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home. “Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife. “I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.” The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes – that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!” The woman said, “That would be okay,” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.” The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.” So, KAZAM – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.” So, KAZAM she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied……”I’d like a mild heart attack.” Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches.

The makers of French’s Mustard made the following recent statement: “We at the French’s Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow”.

Why Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all theirs. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. They can be President. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100. People never stare at their chest when they’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. They know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack. Everything on their face stays its original color. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. They don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. They almost never have strap problems in public. They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. They don’t have to shave below their neck. Their belly usually hides their big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. They can “do” their nails with a pocketknife. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps… ..He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat….”

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom…”

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman said, “Very sporting of your mother.”

Beethoven’s Ninth The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist, “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion, “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The Reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the Reverend immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the Reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church.” “Fine job, Peter!” The Reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman, the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul, he asked “And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?” Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s 280 dollars I collected.” The Reverend responded, “Splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the Reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the Reverend a large envelope. The Pastor opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the Reverend exclaimed. “Louie, this 3200 dollars! Are you saying that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We’re professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the Reverend agreed. “I think you’d better tell how you managed this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!” “A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island. “Come on man, get in” said the boatman. “No”, said the guy on the island, “I have faith in Jesus. He will save me.” The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy’s chest, another boat appeared. “Get in the boat, or you’re going to drown” said the boatman. Again, the guy said “No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me.” Finally the water was up to the guy’s chin when a third boat appeared. “Get in, this is your last chance.” “No, Jesus will save me.” So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus. “Hey, Jesus,” he said, “I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown. I don’t believe it.” “YOU don’t believe it?!??!” Jesus said. “I sent three boats to save you.”

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Suspicion Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands…. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate. “Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

Interesting Questions Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you idiot?” Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.” Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, “Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.” Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, “Pastor, I will double my last pledge.” He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!” This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”

Why did the piccolo player cross the road? To get to the other side’s orchestra section!

Just met a charming transvestite from the Greater Manchester area…He had a Wigan address!

I asked my doctor if the spots on my chest were measles or chicken pox…He said he never makes rash decisions!

Manchester Airport complaints desk overtakes Devon as the UK’s top holiday destination this week!

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought, “Just throw the damn thing!”

I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday…They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the arse crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub…Honestly, the wife’s never looked so good!

BREAKING NEWSPolice have raided a house in Manchester and have discovered large amounts of Lurpak with a street value of £250,000!

Sometimes I like to tuck my head and legs into my chest…That’s just how I roll!

I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin then a clarinet and then a piano…I think it’s an orchestrated attack!

Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward… That’s how I roll!

I’ve joined the dyslexic orchestra…I play the toblerone!

I got sacked as the leader of the orchestra… I didn’t conduct myself properly!

I’ve just been to a concert put on by the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

I just returned from a concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra… … … Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

At a live orchestra, and lightening strikes, who gets hit first? The Conductor

This polo shirt has two buttoning options: Uptight golf prick or disco chest hair.

Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor said, “What seems to be the problem?” “Well”, I said%

The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.

I may not be the richest guy…or the smartest guy…or the funniest guy…or the best-looking guy…or the …..:( Forget it, now I’m depressed.

So Howard Webb has retired from refereeing..In his honour, Manchester United have retired the penalty spot.

Fighter plane escorts a passenger jet in to Manchester airport as the pilot reported a suspicious item on board. The United team bringing back a trophy this season.

Just like to give a shout out to the guy who plays triangle in our orchestra. Thanks for every ting.

Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ….. Eat a banana!

If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee’s to chest b!tch , knee’s to chest!!!

My uncle told the story about the 20 year old conker again last night…I thought, ‘Not that old chestnut!’

The Man Utd team visited an orphanage in Manchester today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Ben, age six.

There are some horrible people about…I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four men in Manchester United shirts playing football with it.I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up!

I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I’ve managed to conker my fear!

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.That’s just how I roll.

I strictly forbid my kids from watching orchestras.There’s too much sax and violins.

Sometimes I like to tuck my head and legs into my chest.That’s just how I roll.