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Chocolate Jokes

  • Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. Police think he topped himself.


  • I see that they have discovered a hidden pyramid……when they looked inside the explorers found a tomb containing a king, wrapped in gold…..when they unwrapped him, he was covered in chocolate and nuts. They reckon they’ve found the tomb of Pharoah Rocher.

  • Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar. I hate Bounty Hunters.

  • Channel 4 are making a documentary about a black man producing cocaine in his bedroom, they’re calling it, “CHOCOLATE & HIS CHARLIE FACTORY.”

  • Breaking News …A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt…………….. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

  • Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last as long for fat people!

  • Life’s like a box of chocolate, it doesn’t last very long for fat people.

  • How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

  • Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.

  • Can’t wait til Feb. 15th…otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.

  • You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

  • Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

  • Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

  • I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

  • A man was rushed to hospital after choking on a handful of chocolate-coated toffees, orange cremes and raisins…He was pronounced dead on A Revel!

  • The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury’s will be delivering a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England…It’s a massive Boost for the economy!

  • My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size…So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink!

  • I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely,” she replied…Kinder Egg it is then!

  • Valentine’s Day plan: 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Dinner for two 5. Regret eating two dinners!

  • What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?S&M&M

  • A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

  • My mate met his fiancé at a Hot Chocolate themed buffet party…It started with a quiche!

  • A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.A man came over and said, “Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health.”The boy replied, “Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old.”“By eating chocolates?” the man asked.“No, by minding his own business!”

  • After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect…Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

  • Before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone!

  • BREAKING NEWSCadbury’s have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.It’s a massive Boost for the economy!

  • I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theatres.I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

  • They’ve just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnuts.They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

  • Did you hear about the tomb they discovered in Egypt. It was filled with hazelnuts and chocolate.They believe it belonged to Pharaoh Rocher.

  • I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from. He said,I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

  • A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche…

  • What pronouns does chocolate use?Her/she.

  • A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

  • I grew up in a rough area…As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a Cherry on my head…It was tough in the Gateau.

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