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Christmas Jokes

  • Have you heard Neil Diamonds new Christmas song? I can’t recall the lyrics but I remember it had a sweet carol line


  • Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new Alphabet Bomb’. If one of those fcukers goes off, it could spell disaster.

  • The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

  • Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits. She looked angry and said “I’m a medium” Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!

  • My donkey ate my Christmas tree…total pine in the ass.

  • Q: What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas? … A: Mule-tide greetings.

  • When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me bang them as long as it wasn’t after midnight. They always slept better after being banged.

  • A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asks the clerk. … “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 24 Baptist and 12 Presbyterian, 30 Catholic and 8 Methodist.”

  • If you love Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

  • I’m starting to be careful about drunk driving now that Christmas isn’t far away..In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I’m quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before..!!”

  • Really struggling on what to get my lady for Christmas this year. I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing

  • Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

  • Men, if you’re looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there’s WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

  • What’s a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?

  • Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

  • I need to do laundry so bad I’m actually wearing Christmas stockings

  • I couldn’t believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I’d spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down…..

  • Christmas lights remind me of some people I know. They all hang out together, half the fuckers don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t that bright!!!!

  • Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It’s for the Christmas period.

  • A company in India is releasing the first-ever “smart shoe” that connects with Google Maps to track your footsteps. “Merry Christmas,” said your wife.

  • I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”

  • I’m like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.

  • Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!

  • The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren’t going to see me 7 more times before then.

  • If u wake up on Christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth…..remember Santa only cums once a year

  • The best gifts in life will never be found under a Christmas tree! Those gifts are friends, family, kids and the one you love!!

  • The only Christmas spirit you’ll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.

  • Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity’s sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it’s sex. S-E-X.

  • The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

  • I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?

  • Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

  • Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS.

  • My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

  • My Christmas tree isn’t the only thing that’s getting lit this time of year

  • Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centred lives already in progress.

  • I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

  • Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big your tree is, or what’s under it. It’s about who’s around it.

  • To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt “Merry Christmas” text, I thought you should know everyone says “Thanks”. ..All 115 of them.

  • May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.

  • twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming… Just cuz I went into the wrong house.

  • I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me Will you be putting it up yourself?’ I told him, No, you sicko, it’s going in the living room!’

  • Remember ladies, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it’s because you’re a whore.

  • Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, “a threesome?” she got all angry like I’d ruined the surprise.

  • How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

  • I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

  • If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

  • Thanks to the fuel crisis in some areas Chris Rea has just set off to walk home for Christmas!

  • The public told to plan ahead for Christmas this year due to supply issues…This is forcing the majority of men to bring their shopping forward to December 23rd!

  • People criticise shops for starting to sell Christmas stuff too early…Well our supermarket has birthday cake and mine isn’t for another 7 months!

  • It’s the 2nd of November and I still haven’t heard Fairytale Of New York yet…People just don’t have that Christmas spirit anymore, do they?

  • I don’t judge my wife for putting the tree up today to start celebrating Christmas…I had 12 beers yesterday to start celebrating St. Patrick’s day!

  • Black Friday special…Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards!

  • I just bought a Christmas tree and my daughter asked, “Dad, are you going to put it up yourself?”I replied, “No, I was going to put it up in the living room!”

  • Went Christmas shopping with the missus yesterday. Costa Coffee were offering a free cappuccino to anyone growing a moustache for ‘Movember’…She’s a jammy fucker!

  • This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault…Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!

  • Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Christmas.The front says, “I will do anything for love.”On the rear it says, “But I won’t do that!”

  • I work all hours every bloody week to provide a great Christmas for the kids. And what happens? Some fat twat with a beard gets all the credit…Still, my fault for marrying her I suppose!

  • My friend just bought his wife a wooden leg for Christmas…It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler!

  • Last year I got a sweater for Christmas…This year I am hoping for a screamer, or a squirter!

  • Never realised how close we were to Christmas until I heard the Christmas variant has been released!

  • If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, as I need to borrow some chairs!

  • I went Christmas shopping with the wife for a present for her mum.She said she wanted something electric…I suggested a chair!

  • I’m bringing out a version of the Band Aid song…‘Duvet Know It’s Christmas?’It’s a cover!

  • My mates son has asked for a train set for Christmas…Can’t find one anywhere so he’s getting him a replacement bus service set instead!

  • ⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ If you get sent a link to listen to the Justin Bieber Christmas song, DO NOT OPEN IT!It’s a link to listen to the Justin Bieber Christmas song!

  • The Christmas jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge!

  • Last year if you wanted a Christmas party you had to claim it was a work meeting…This year if you want to have a work meeting you have to claim it’s a Christmas party…Everyone clear?

  • I’ve decided enough is enough and I’m going to stop posting any more Christmas puns…I’m sure yule be glad to hear that!

  • My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift for Christmas, she would burn it…So I bought her a candle!

  • Hoping my mate’s girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December…No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas!

  • At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep…Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman!

  • Love it on Christmas day when a present says ‘Love from Mum and Dad’ and you know that Dad has absolutely no idea what it is!

  • My kids said they want a cat for Christmas. I said OK…Normally I do a turkey but, hey, if it makes them happy!

  • Does anyone have a copy of TV Times or Radio Times from 1995?I want to have a look what’s on over Christmas!

  • If Yodel actually manage to deliver any of my Christmas gifts without damaging them this year, that would be unpressie-dented!

  • I have bought my wife a fridge for Christmas…I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it!

  • I took my old car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise…He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine!

  • Sadly, I’ll be self isolating for Christmas…I haven’t got covid, I just don’t like my family!

  • Sure, sex is great but have you ever had a pair of scissors that just glide through a whole sheet of Christmas wrapping paper without tearing it?

  • I was just motoring north on the A1 and I saw the ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ singer in my Rea view mirror!

  • My kids keep mocking me because of my memory.Well, they’re the ones who’ll be sorry when there’s no eggs under the Christmas tree on Saturday!

  • Prince Charles was really looking forward to the Royal Christmas get together until the Queen recently cancelled it…This year she’s really let her heir down!

  • Warning: Do not drink and wrap presents…Unrelated, but if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I’m going to need that back!

  • They are now talking about banning glitter this Christmas…Its been on the cards for years!

  • Die Hard is the greatest Christmas film ever…Hans down!

  • I got my grandma a special new walking frame made by NASA for Christmas and she’s starting to get the hang of it…It’s one small step for Nan!

  • Merry Christmas everyone

  • Thinking about having Bucks Fizz for Christmas…Still making my mind up!

  • I can always tell what’s in a present under the Christmas tree…It’s a gift!

  • Just seen Tom Daley on the M6 in Speedos on the 24th December…He was diving home for Christmas!

  • As it’s Christmas, I am gonna do my bit for charity. So I’m raising money for eczema…Wanna buy a scratch card?

  • Yesterday we played the Christmas edition of Cluedo…Our lass murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

  • I got a reversible jacket for Christmas…I can’t wait to see how it turns out!

  • It’s 364 days until Christmas and some sad people have their trees up already!

  • My neighbour’s little lad got a bike for Christmas and he seems to have a tiny Edam cheese strapped to its handlebars…Think it must be his baby bell!

  • I’m puzzled by the strange gifts I received for Christmas this year.I got a calculator, an abacus and an electric razor…Something doesn’t add up!

  • How long do the Irish keep their Christmas decorations up?Fir tree weeks!

  • To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas…They’re due back at the library on Monday!

  • I’ve realised the problem isn’t what I eat between Christmas and New Year…It’s what I eat between New Year and Christmas!

  • I got Cluedo Swingers Edition given to me for a Christmas present…Turns out they all did it, in every room!

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