Christmas Jokes

Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new Alphabet Bomb’. If one of those fcukers goes off, it could spell disaster.

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits. She looked angry and said “I’m a medium” Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!

My donkey ate my Christmas tree…total pine in the ass.

Q: What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas? … A: Mule-tide greetings.

When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me bang them as long as it wasn’t after midnight. They always slept better after being banged.

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asks the clerk. … “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 24 Baptist and 12 Presbyterian, 30 Catholic and 8 Methodist.”

If you love Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

I’m starting to be careful about drunk driving now that Christmas isn’t far away..In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I’m quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before..!!”

Really struggling on what to get my lady for Christmas this year. I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Men, if you’re looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there’s WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

What’s a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?

Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

I need to do laundry so bad I’m actually wearing Christmas stockings

I couldn’t believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I’d spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down…..

Christmas lights remind me of some people I know. They all hang out together, half the fuckers don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t that bright!!!!

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It’s for the Christmas period.

A company in India is releasing the first-ever “smart shoe” that connects with Google Maps to track your footsteps. “Merry Christmas,” said your wife.

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”

I’m like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!

The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren’t going to see me 7 more times before then.

If u wake up on Christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth…..remember Santa only cums once a year

The best gifts in life will never be found under a Christmas tree! Those gifts are friends, family, kids and the one you love!!

The only Christmas spirit you’ll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.

Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity’s sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it’s sex. S-E-X.

The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS.

My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

My Christmas tree isn’t the only thing that’s getting lit this time of year

Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centred lives already in progress.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big your tree is, or what’s under it. It’s about who’s around it.

To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt “Merry Christmas” text, I thought you should know everyone says “Thanks”. ..All 115 of them.

May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.

twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming… Just cuz I went into the wrong house.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me Will you be putting it up yourself?’ I told him, No, you sicko, it’s going in the living room!’

Remember ladies, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it’s because you’re a whore.

Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, “a threesome?” she got all angry like I’d ruined the surprise.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Thanks to the fuel crisis in some areas Chris Rea has just set off to walk home for Christmas!

The public told to plan ahead for Christmas this year due to supply issues…This is forcing the majority of men to bring their shopping forward to December 23rd!

People criticise shops for starting to sell Christmas stuff too early…Well our supermarket has birthday cake and mine isn’t for another 7 months!

It’s the 2nd of November and I still haven’t heard Fairytale Of New York yet…People just don’t have that Christmas spirit anymore, do they?

I don’t judge my wife for putting the tree up today to start celebrating Christmas…I had 12 beers yesterday to start celebrating St. Patrick’s day!

Black Friday special…Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards!

I just bought a Christmas tree and my daughter asked, “Dad, are you going to put it up yourself?”I replied, “No, I was going to put it up in the living room!”

Went Christmas shopping with the missus yesterday. Costa Coffee were offering a free cappuccino to anyone growing a moustache for ‘Movember’…She’s a jammy fucker!

This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault…Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open!

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Christmas.The front says, “I will do anything for love.”On the rear it says, “But I won’t do that!”

I work all hours every bloody week to provide a great Christmas for the kids. And what happens? Some fat twat with a beard gets all the credit…Still, my fault for marrying her I suppose!

My friend just bought his wife a wooden leg for Christmas…It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler!

Last year I got a sweater for Christmas…This year I am hoping for a screamer, or a squirter!

Never realised how close we were to Christmas until I heard the Christmas variant has been released!

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, as I need to borrow some chairs!

I went Christmas shopping with the wife for a present for her mum.She said she wanted something electric…I suggested a chair!

I’m bringing out a version of the Band Aid song…‘Duvet Know It’s Christmas?’It’s a cover!

My mates son has asked for a train set for Christmas…Can’t find one anywhere so he’s getting him a replacement bus service set instead!

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ If you get sent a link to listen to the Justin Bieber Christmas song, DO NOT OPEN IT!It’s a link to listen to the Justin Bieber Christmas song!

The Christmas jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge!

Last year if you wanted a Christmas party you had to claim it was a work meeting…This year if you want to have a work meeting you have to claim it’s a Christmas party…Everyone clear?

I’ve decided enough is enough and I’m going to stop posting any more Christmas puns…I’m sure yule be glad to hear that!

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift for Christmas, she would burn it…So I bought her a candle!

Hoping my mate’s girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December…No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas!

At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep…Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman!

Love it on Christmas day when a present says ‘Love from Mum and Dad’ and you know that Dad has absolutely no idea what it is!

My kids said they want a cat for Christmas. I said OK…Normally I do a turkey but, hey, if it makes them happy!

Does anyone have a copy of TV Times or Radio Times from 1995?I want to have a look what’s on over Christmas!

If Yodel actually manage to deliver any of my Christmas gifts without damaging them this year, that would be unpressie-dented!

I have bought my wife a fridge for Christmas…I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it!

I took my old car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise…He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine!

Sadly, I’ll be self isolating for Christmas…I haven’t got covid, I just don’t like my family!

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had a pair of scissors that just glide through a whole sheet of Christmas wrapping paper without tearing it?

I was just motoring north on the A1 and I saw the ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ singer in my Rea view mirror!

My kids keep mocking me because of my memory.Well, they’re the ones who’ll be sorry when there’s no eggs under the Christmas tree on Saturday!

Prince Charles was really looking forward to the Royal Christmas get together until the Queen recently cancelled it…This year she’s really let her heir down!

Warning: Do not drink and wrap presents…Unrelated, but if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I’m going to need that back!

They are now talking about banning glitter this Christmas…Its been on the cards for years!

Die Hard is the greatest Christmas film ever…Hans down!

I got my grandma a special new walking frame made by NASA for Christmas and she’s starting to get the hang of it…It’s one small step for Nan!

Merry Christmas everyone

Thinking about having Bucks Fizz for Christmas…Still making my mind up!

I can always tell what’s in a present under the Christmas tree…It’s a gift!

Just seen Tom Daley on the M6 in Speedos on the 24th December…He was diving home for Christmas!

As it’s Christmas, I am gonna do my bit for charity. So I’m raising money for eczema…Wanna buy a scratch card?

Yesterday we played the Christmas edition of Cluedo…Our lass murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas…I can’t wait to see how it turns out!

It’s 364 days until Christmas and some sad people have their trees up already!

My neighbour’s little lad got a bike for Christmas and he seems to have a tiny Edam cheese strapped to its handlebars…Think it must be his baby bell!

I’m puzzled by the strange gifts I received for Christmas this year.I got a calculator, an abacus and an electric razor…Something doesn’t add up!

How long do the Irish keep their Christmas decorations up?Fir tree weeks!

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas…They’re due back at the library on Monday!

I’ve realised the problem isn’t what I eat between Christmas and New Year…It’s what I eat between New Year and Christmas!

I got Cluedo Swingers Edition given to me for a Christmas present…Turns out they all did it, in every room!