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Church Jokes

  • I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, “Love your neighbour.” I shouted back, “Me too, cracking pair of tits!”


  • A man goes into a Catholic Church and walks into the confession box.“Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I keep singing the Barenaked Ladies!”The priest asks, “How long has it been since your last confession?”The man replied, “It’s been…!”

  • Despite cleaning all the stains off, I lost my job as a church window cleaner!

  • I went to pick up the results for my priest exam today.The Cardinal said to me, “Why didn’t you answer the question – What should you do if you see a choir boy being sexually abused by a member of the church?”I said, “I didn’t see it.”“Is the correct answer!” he replied.

  • An elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”Her husband said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid!”

  • Despite removing all the stains, I lost my job as a Church window cleaner!

  • Just got a new job as a church bell ringer…It’s my first day so they are just showing me the ropes!

  • The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.

  • Why do melons always get married in church ?Because they cantaloupe.

  • I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!She is watching our wedding video again.

  • An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

  • Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?It was a real slap in the faith.

  • What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?Let us spray.

  • Why do they say amen instead of a woman at the end of songs at church?‘Cause they’re hymns not hers.

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