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Clock Jokes

  • I was bored at work yesterday, so I gave a colleague a clock and told him to give it to someone else. I had to do something to pass the time.


  • A girl grabbed my cock and said, “Wow! Your dick wouldn’t make a very good clock.” “Why?” I asked, intrigued. “Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.

  • Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because desperate times call for desperate measures….

  • On Monday I said to my boss, “I have a dentist’s appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?” “No problem,” he said. On Friday he pulled me up and said, “What’s this? You’ve put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o’clock on Monday.” … Read more…

  • I can’t believe the fired me at the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

  • My mate needed a bit of help building his clock. So I gave him a hand.

  • I got sacked from my job at the Clock Factory. I just stood around making faces all day.

  • It’s my wife birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she’s in for a rude awakening. I’m buying her a Tourettes alarm clock.

  • My wife was almost killed by a clock today, it fell onto the chair just as she stood up. Damn clock was always too slow.

  • I was bored at work today so I started to draw mini watches on each of my fingers, and drew a clock on my palm. My boss saw me after i’d finished and told me he’d find me some extra jobs to do because I have too much time on my hands.

  • Can clocks keep secrets? Time will tell.

  • Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock. It’s not great, but it gets me out the house.

  • I had to stop eating clocks, it was too time consuming.

  • Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

  • Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “doll feet running into the closet” Because I AM NOT HITTING SNOOZE WHEN I HEAR THAT SHIT

  • Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

  • My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

  • The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o’ clock.

  • Indians and their Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, ” Its 3 O’clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30.

  • They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

  • My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o’clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.

  • My biological clock must be off.. I’m getting morning wood in the evening

  • When I wake up before my alarm clock…I sometimes sneak up on it while it’s still sleeping and yell “HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH”

  • Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour.

  • Women are like Alarm Clocks. It’s such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

  • SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O’Clock.

  • What did the clock do when it was still hungry? It went back four seconds.

  • Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

  • I can’t believe I was fired from my job at the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

  • Dad: Where can I get a potato clock?Son: Why a potato clock?!?Dad: I’ve got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock

  • I ate a clock yesterday, it was so time consuming.

  • What did the hungry clock do?Went back four seconds!

  • Remember, the clocks go back in three weeks so now is about the right time to start trying to adjust the clock display on your electric oven!

  • “Don’t forget to put the clocks back!”This is what security said when they caught me stealing those clocks!

  • Spring forward and fall back…A great way to remember how the clocks change, but a terrible way to describe your sex technique!

  • I’ve got myself a job working in a full size cuckoo clock…It’s not great, but at least it gets me out the house!

  • To whoever stole my over-sized clock…You owe me big time!

  • Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg…That way you will start off the new year on the right foot!

  • The batteries ran out in my clock, so I went to the shop and said, “I cant tell the time, I need some batteries.”The shop keeper said, “Is it for a clock?”I said,” I dunno I can’t tell. That’s why I need the batteries!”

  • Never share a secret with a clock…Time will tell!

  • I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour. It means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I’m on the bus to work!

  • My book on clocks has finally arrived… It’s about time!

  • I was talking to my mate and he said, “Don’t forget the clocks go forward this weekend.”I replied, “They go forward all the time, prick!”

  • A man came up to me in the pub last night and said, “Didn’t you sell me a faulty alarm clock last month?”I replied, “Doesn’t ring a bell!”

  • I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”He asked, “Is it for a clock?”I answered, “I don’t know. That’s why I need the battery!”

  • I was hoping to tell a few jokes about clocks…But I don’t have time!

  • I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock…We had a big argument though, and now she won’t even give me the time of day!

  • A man shouts to his wife, “Come here and look at my clock.”She walks in to find him naked with a hard on.She says, “That’s not a clock!”He says, “It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!”

  • Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I’m wide awake…Now I’m not so sure who won that fight!

  • They can absolutely fuck off if they think I’m putting my clocks back tonight…Fucking daylight robbery!

  • 6:30 is the best time on a clock.Hands down.

  • For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.He’s in for a rude awakening.

  • What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?Look, grandpa! No hands!

  • I loaned my grandfather clock to my friend and he still hasn’t returned it…He owes me big time

  • Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?Because it’s time-consuming, and you always want seconds.

  • Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

  • Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?His name is Juan O’Clock.

  • I loaned my grandfather clock to my friend and he still hasn’t returned it…He owes me big time.

  • For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.He’s in for a rude awakening.

  • Never share a secret with a clock.Time will tell.

  • Yesterday I ate a clock, it was very time consuming.Especially when I went back for seconds.

  • Saw a clock in the garbage the other day!Can’t believe people are wasting time!

  • For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.That was a rude awakening.

  • Yesterday I ate a clock, it was very time consuming.Especially when I went back for seconds.

  • I finally came up with a good joke about clocks.It’s about time.

  • Have you ever tried eating a clock?It’s really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

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