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Coffee Jokes

  • I’ve just had my first coffee. To be honest, it wasn’t my cup of tea.


  • My Grandad invented the roller coaster. But the cups just slide off the coffee table.

  • Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

  • I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!

  • While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window… and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?

  • You remind me of my pinky toe. You’re small, cute, and I’m probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

  • Getting Old- It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

  • My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

  • Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”

  • I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.

  • You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.

  • Give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can’t.

  • I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, “You are my bitch”

  • Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week

  • To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, “You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things.”… I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

  • Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

  • I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

  • Dear coffee, I want you inside of me

  • Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.

  • Monday morning coffee is just as important as Friday night liquor….almost.

  • Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log in and start posting. Hello, darlings.

  • I’m drinking coffee because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

  • I was in town with Tina Turner and we walked past a place with planning permission for a coffee shop. She wasn’t happy about it though…She said, “We don’t need another Nero!”

  • My dentist said my teeth were stained.He asked, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”I replied, “I drink it!”

  • Got myself a takeaway coffee today. I asked if I could pay by card.The waitress said, “Yes of course. What have you got?”I said, “The four of clubs!”

  • Went Christmas shopping with the missus yesterday. Costa Coffee were offering a free cappuccino to anyone growing a moustache for ‘Movember’…She’s a jammy fucker!

  • I named my coffee table Van Gogh…It has a bit of veneer missing!

  • I’ve just made my hamster a strong coffee…I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel!

  • I just had a call to say my brother was crushed to death at work when the coffee machine fell on him…At least it was instant!

  • My dad is always complaining about the cost of things. “£1.50 for a coffee! £3.75 for a ham sandwich! 20p to just to go to the loo!”Honestly, he was moaning about it all of yesterday, so that’s the last time I invite him over to my house!

  • I saw a bloke at Starbucks earlier, with no phone, no tablet, no laptop…He’s just sat there drinking coffee…Like a psychopath!

  • My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee.Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee. I said “Fuck off Dave!”

  • Just at the airport with my wife. I said, “I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us.”“Why is that?” she asked.“The passports are on it!”

  • An old lady says to her husband, “My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago.”Her husband replied, “They ought to be. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!”

  • I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said, “You remind me of my little toe!” She said, “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied, “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!”

  • My mate asked me why I kept an empty milk bottle in the fridge…I replied, “In case someone wants a black coffee!”

  • I hear that barristers are going on strike next month…That won’t affect me as I make my own coffee!

  • Sorry to moan on here but I’m absolutely fucking fed up with people whinging about the prices of things…£1.50 for tea £1.75 for coffee £2 for a slice of cake and £2.50 for parking…Any more complaints and honest to god I will stop inviting my friends to my house!

  • Somebody broke into my house and only stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot.I don’t know how they sleep at night.

  • What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?Hasta barista baby.

  • I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of waterI got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • My dentist said my teeth were stained. He asked, Do you smoke or drink coffee? I replied,I drink it!

  • Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • What do you call a sad cup of coffee?Depresso.

  • My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, do you smoke or drink coffee?I told him I drink it.

  • Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee.Astronaut 2: in space, no one can. Here, use cream.

  • Accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.I made it half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today.“It tastes like dirt!”I told him it was just ground this morning.

  • This morning I decided to use Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee.I was halfway to work when I realized I forgot my car.

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