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Condom Jokes

  • That moment when you slide the condom on and look at yourself in the mirror with a raging hardon…

    Then you tell the chemist “I’ll take it!”


  • Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex…A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!

  • Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night…“Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour”, she said.I replied, “I haven’t even put it on yet!”

  • Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick…Particularly when you weren’t wearing one when you started!

  • I said to my son, “Where are you going tonight all dressed up?” He said “I’m off to meet a girl.” I said, “Don’t forget to wear a, you know!” “Wear a what dad?” he said. “You know, put a hat on,” I said. “Do you mean a condom Dad?” he said. “No I mean a hat you ginger twat!”

  • “Can I have a pack of condoms?” I asked the pharmacist.“A small box?” he asked.“I do hope so!”

  • Daffy Duck calls the hotel reception and asks for a condom.The receptionist asked, “Shall we put this on your bill?”Daffy replied, “Are you thucking thupid I’ll thuffocate!”

  • I said to my son “Where are you going tonight all dressed up?” He said “I’m off to meet a new girl” I said “Don’t forget to wear a, you know” “Wear a what dad?” he said. “You know, put a hat on” I said. “Do you mean a condom Dad?” he said. “No I mean a hat you ginger twat!”

  • Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night.“Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour,” she said.I replied, “I haven’t even put it on yet!”

  • My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”I replied, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these!”

  • I went shopping for a maternity bra for my girlfriend.“What bust?” the assistant asked.“The condom!” I said.

  • Trojan isn’t a good name for a condom.Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

  • My teenage son asked me, Dad, when should I use a condom?I replied, Every conceivable occasion.

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