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Couple Jokes

  • I put a couple of t’s in my beer last night. I think it made it better.


  • I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, “Four, nine.” The other man pushed him back and said, “Sixteen, twenty-five.” A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, “I need some help at the door. We’ve got a couple of men … Read more…

  • I and a couple other sand niggers rode our camels over to the Sahara Mall today. Camels need exercise, especially in their camel humps, camel legs and camel toes. Naturally I parked my girlfriend in the Camel Lot. A sign said, “All camels parked here more than three hours will be towed.” I and my … Read more…

  • GROANER OF THE WEEK The couple is in the throes of a divorce settlement. They must decide about custody, visitation and child support for their only son. He: “My son belongs with ME! You can have weekend visitation and see him a full month in the summer.” She: “The courts almost always side with the … Read more…

  • Upon seeing my wife and my mate fucking in our bed, I noticed that they made a very beautiful couple. So I clubbed them together

  • I stopped to put air in my tires today. The air pump now costs $1.50! I remember when the price was only 25 cents. Then 50 cents. And a couple weeks ago it was $1.00 (sigh) I guess the price was adjusted for inflation.

  • I can’t help but be disappointed at the brand new Rolex I received for my birthday from the lesbian couple next door. … I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”

  • A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. … … She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, … Read more…

  • A security camera caught a couple having sex in an elevator. …. They got off on the eighth floor…. then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.

  • The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

  • According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing.

  • I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it…

  • FACEBOOK A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.

  • Justin Bieber and Selena have broken…dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!

  • When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That’s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

  • I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I’m sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

  • “I wasn’t that drunk!” Dude, you told my mom you’re no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

  • I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to single’.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don’t see me changing my status to orphan’.

  • NORMAL PEOPLE: “aww, they’re such a cute couple” ME: “I wonder if they fu***d yet”

  • A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

  • You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.

  • My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.

  • Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

  • When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair

  • So if Valentine’s Day is for couples, then the other 364 days are for me, right?

  • Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity’s sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it’s sex. S-E-X.

  • A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

  • Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

  • Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn’t something I said…

  • I organised a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

  • Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!

  • A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied “Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!”

  • I know a couple of builders who got engaged on their first job together…It was love at first site!

  • I was in the bar when I suddenly needed to pass wind. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer, but noticed everyone was looking at me…Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod!

  • I’ve got a couple of Russian pals.One is an Uber driver and is name his Pikup Andropov.The other delivers fizzy pop bottles. His name is Dropabottleof Popoff!

  • It always surprises me when a heavily tattooed couple have a baby and it comes out blank!

  • A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor.The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, “Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.”The husband said, “Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!”

  • A couple are driving home but then run over a badger. They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says, “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” The wife replies, “But it’s all wet & it stinks.” He says, “Well hold the badgers nose then!”

  • My wife asked if I had ever pissed in the shower.I said, “Of course. A couple of times but accidentally.”She called me disgusting and asked what I meant by ‘accidentally’.I replied, “Well these things tend to happen when I’m having a shit!”

  • I was sat next to my girlfriend last night bored to tears so I decided to go upstairs for a crafty wank…She followed me up after a couple of minutes, caught me and started a blazing argument. What a complete overreaction.Stupid bitch got us thrown off the bus!

  • I’m saying goodbye to Twitter. My wife says I am on here every 5 minutes and she can’t stand it any more. She said I have to choose between her or Twitter, so I am closing down now…I’ll be back in a couple of minutes but I have to pack her bags and call her a taxi!

  • An elderly married couple were on a walk. “See that fence? That’s where we first had sex.” Wife: “Go on then, for old times sake.” After an hour of frantic sex, the wife, exhausted, pants: “Don’t recall it ever being that energetic?” Husband: “The fence wasn’t electrified then!”

  • I was sitting in a pizza restaurant when a couple started arguing.I don’t normally take sides but they were so distracted that I took his coleslaw and her fries!

  • Judging by all the screaming and moaning, I’m not sure if the vegan couple next door to me are shagging, or if they just had bacon for the first fucking time!

  • Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me… Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted ‘Sorry wrong number’!

  • A couple of weeks ago, I bought one of those queen mattresses…Now I’m getting shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time!

  • When our lass told me there’d be no more Neighbours after last night, I thought she meant the couple next door were moving…I wish she had made it clear that she meant the fucking television programme before I admitted to shoving dog shit through their letterbox!

  • When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the fucking thing!

  • A Prime Minister may fall today. Soak up the history, guys. Days like today only come around every couple of weeks!

  • A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says, “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” The wife says, “But it’s all wet & it stinks.” He says, “Well hold the badgers nose then!”

  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

  • Where do couples go in the mall to argue?The fued court.

  • Why don’t some couples go to the gym?Because some relationships don’t work out.

  • A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.The steaks were high.

  • An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

  • In a couple weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole dayApril Fuels!

  • Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted ‘sorry wrong number’.

  • A police officer says to a couple: I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire.They ask: Arson?The office replies: Yes your son!

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