Cow Jokes

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!”

Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.

I’m clingy, but not ” Simon Cowell’s t-shirt” clingy.

Coworker just said “I need a thick black one.” She was talking about a marker but I’m still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

Birdie birdie in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye I didn’t cry I didn’t sigh I thank god cows can’t fly

My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he’ll treat her better they worship cows.

None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It’s because fish can’t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.

I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

A guy at work calls me “Partner” and another guy calls me “Chief”. Apparently we’re playing Cowboys and Indians and I’m a double agent.

This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.

I see that in the US they’re complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way… but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.

How do you tip a cow? It depends on the service.

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating Doritos on the sofa. I mumbled under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”She said, “What did you just say?”I replied, “You herd!”

A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch…Unfortunately none of his cattle survived the branding!

Police are on the lookout after a man with facial hair has been seen breaking into farms at night and stealing cows…They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash!

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him…He’s the new temp!

As my wife and her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered, “Fat fucking cows!”“What was that?” she said.“You herd!”

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?” Student: “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?” Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?” Student: “Homework!”

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me ‘The most secretive guy’ in the office…I can’t tell you how much this award means to me!

It’s so annoying when someone says the name of a song and it’s stuck in your head the rest of the day…Like a Rhinestone Cowboy!

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?Medium Rare!

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.”Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, “Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!”

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure.The male fly swoops down next to her and says, “Excuse me love but is this stool taken?”

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone!

A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch…Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding!

Got invited to a Cowboys and Indians fancy dress party…Really don’t want to go, but I will put a brave face on!

Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, were standing in a field.Daisy: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”Dolly: “I don’t believe you.”Daisy: “Straight up! No bull!”

Audi are working on a car specifically for Cowboys…It’s called the Audi Partner!

My wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and it hasn’t broken down since…It goes to show it’s true what they say in the advert, “Washing machines live longer with cow gone!”

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.“Come on, you stupid cow!” I shouted. “Get a bloody move on!”She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.She felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioner.

Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy see a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything? I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

A farmer notices all the cows had fallen over, he asked the bull why he was still standing?He replied, we bulls wobble but we don’t fall down.

Putin visits Estonia.Immigration officer says: Name?. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.Address? Kremlin, Moscow, Russia.Occupation? No, this time just visiting.

How late do the cows get to stay up?Pasture bedtime.

To whoever stole my cow….My beef is with you, sir!

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that is draped in bacon. “A bacon tree, we’re saved!” he says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What do you call a herd of giggling cows?Laughing stock.

I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything?I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.He’s the new temp.

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.The steaks were high.

A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.He’s the new temp.

Why did the coward suddenly feel brave after touching a big rock?Because he felt a little boulder.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren’t remotely funny.

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.

What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground beef.

What happens when you cross an angry sheep, and an angry cow?You get two animals in a baaad moood.

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.

For the 10th year in a row my coworkers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.