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Cow Jokes

  • What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this…


  • Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!”

  • Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.

  • I’m clingy, but not ” Simon Cowell’s t-shirt” clingy.

  • Coworker just said “I need a thick black one.” She was talking about a marker but I’m still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

  • Birdie birdie in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye I didn’t cry I didn’t sigh I thank god cows can’t fly

  • My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he’ll treat her better they worship cows.

  • None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It’s because fish can’t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.

  • I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

  • A guy at work calls me “Partner” and another guy calls me “Chief”. Apparently we’re playing Cowboys and Indians and I’m a double agent.

  • This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.

  • I see that in the US they’re complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way… but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

  • Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

  • Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.

  • How do you tip a cow? It depends on the service.

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?Udder destruction.

  • I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

  • I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating Doritos on the sofa. I mumbled under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”She said, “What did you just say?”I replied, “You herd!”

  • A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch…Unfortunately none of his cattle survived the branding!

  • Police are on the lookout after a man with facial hair has been seen breaking into farms at night and stealing cows…They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash!

  • A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him…He’s the new temp!

  • As my wife and her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered, “Fat fucking cows!”“What was that?” she said.“You herd!”

  • Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?” Student: “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?” Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?” Student: “Homework!”

  • For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me ‘The most secretive guy’ in the office…I can’t tell you how much this award means to me!

  • It’s so annoying when someone says the name of a song and it’s stuck in your head the rest of the day…Like a Rhinestone Cowboy!

  • How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?Medium Rare!

  • A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.”Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, “Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!”

  • A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure.The male fly swoops down next to her and says, “Excuse me love but is this stool taken?”

  • A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone!

  • A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch…Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding!

  • Got invited to a Cowboys and Indians fancy dress party…Really don’t want to go, but I will put a brave face on!

  • Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, were standing in a field.Daisy: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”Dolly: “I don’t believe you.”Daisy: “Straight up! No bull!”

  • Audi are working on a car specifically for Cowboys…It’s called the Audi Partner!

  • My wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and it hasn’t broken down since…It goes to show it’s true what they say in the advert, “Washing machines live longer with cow gone!”

  • I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.“Come on, you stupid cow!” I shouted. “Get a bloody move on!”She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

  • After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.She felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioner.

  • Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.

  • Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy see a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything? I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • A farmer notices all the cows had fallen over, he asked the bull why he was still standing?He replied, we bulls wobble but we don’t fall down.

  • Putin visits Estonia.Immigration officer says: Name?. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.Address? Kremlin, Moscow, Russia.Occupation? No, this time just visiting.

  • How late do the cows get to stay up?Pasture bedtime.

  • To whoever stole my cow….My beef is with you, sir!

  • Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that is draped in bacon. “A bacon tree, we’re saved!” he says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

  • What do you call a herd of giggling cows?Laughing stock.

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything?I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.He’s the new temp.

  • For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

  • A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.The steaks were high.

  • A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.He’s the new temp.

  • Why did the coward suddenly feel brave after touching a big rock?Because he felt a little boulder.

  • My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren’t remotely funny.

  • What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.

  • What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground beef.

  • What happens when you cross an angry sheep, and an angry cow?You get two animals in a baaad moood.

  • What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.

  • For the 10th year in a row my coworkers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

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