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Cream Jokes

  • Do you like hot women that scream in bed? Check out the burns unit at the hospital.


  • If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

  • I went to the doctors this morning as I had a strawberry growing from my ear. He gave me some cream for it.

  • She: “Give it to me, I’m soo wet! give it to me!” Me: She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.

  • I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.

  • If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there’s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.

  • My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had un-tagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, “They were really embarrassing!” “Embarrassing???” She screamed, “It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!”

  • I want to start my own ice cream brand and call it “Lick Me Till”. Lick me till ice cream…

  • All new Hell’s Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

  • The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

  • Every time I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from “The Hangover” would pop up on their screen and scream, “Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!”

  • This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.

  • Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty fcuking awesome.

  • The Internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

  • UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

  • You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.

  • Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.

  • Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn’t changer her mind..DUMP HER!

  • You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.

  • This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is funny and spontaneous’, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.

  • Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep

  • That ONE time In class you raise your hand, and some motherfucker screams out the answer.

  • I’m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.

  • Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

  • Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.

  • During sex it’s perfectly fine to say “yeah”, “yes”, and “oh yes” but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming “yep”

  • My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.

  • Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

  • I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

  • twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming… Just cuz I went into the wrong house.

  • You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

  • It’s impossible for a woman to say I’m not overreacting’ without screaming.

  • After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, “If you keep up with these fat jokes, you’ll drive me to suicide!” “Well I’d have to, you wouldn’t walk would you?” I replied.

  • Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams “Who are you! How did you get in my house?”

  • Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”

  • If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn’t make me excited, pull the plug.

  • Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don’t Stop.

  • I sometimes wonder why I’m 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.

  • Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I’m the asshole for tripping him??

  • A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

  • I was just prescribed some anti-gloating cream. I can’t wait to rub it in.

  • An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

  • The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.“How hard is it?” I asked.She cheekily replied, “As hard as your knob when you’re thinking about me naked.”I said, “Ok, pour me a glass!”

  • My wife phoned me & said, “Where are you? It’s pissing down & I forgot my key.”“I’m in bed, sorry.”She screamed, “Are you joking? I want you to get out of bed, walk down the stairs & open the door, NOW!”“What would be the point in that? Your sister lives 20 minutes away!”

  • I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream…I can’t wait to rub it in!

  • I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!”As soon as I did, she screamed…I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first!

  • My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

  • Last year I got a sweater for Christmas…This year I am hoping for a screamer, or a squirter!

  • If Omicron is really bad, just wait until Starscream and Megatron arrive!

  • I asked this old lady if she would switch seats with me on the plane as the screaming brat of a baby is starting to piss me off…That turned into a really nasty shouting match, where my wife accused me of not loving our kid!

  • Just cleared some space in the freezer… Sounds better than I’ve polished off a tub of ice cream!

  • I asked to switch seats on my flight because of the screaming baby…Apparently, you can’t if the baby is yours!

  • I asked the man who drives the local Mr Whippy van how the dandruff keeps getting into my ice cream…He just stood there scratching his head!

  • Judging by all the screaming and moaning, I’m not sure if the vegan couple next door to me are shagging, or if they just had bacon for the first fucking time!

  • A woman chased down an ice cream truck…The ice cream man stops and says, “What can I get for you?”She says, “Nothing, I just wanted to tell you I’m vegan!”

  • Due to a factory error, there’s a faulty batch of sun cream in the shops…That’s going to cause a lot of red faces!

  • I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn’t stop screaming…It was like she’d never seen a cock before!

  • I went round to my mates house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.He looked at me and said, “Don’t ever have kids mate.”I said, “Hard work?”He said, “No, you’re an ugly cunt!”

  • Started jogging today…Didn’t want to but the ice cream van was pulling away!

  • I was driving down the road when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chives…I didn’t see the dip in the road!

  • I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van…I’m now suffering from Mr Whippylash!

  • So pleased the Met Office issued a weather warning. I was about to go out in thermals and a fur coat, not drink anything all day and lie on a deck chair for 10 hours without any suncream. That was a close one! #heatwave

  • I went back to see my doctor yesterday.I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.”“Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked.I said, “On the bus!”

  • A wife comes home early to find her husband fucking a midget. “You promised me you wouldn’t cheat on me again!” she screamed.“Calm down will you” he replied. “Can’t you see I’m trying to cut down!”

  • I was sacked from the ice cream factory…Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!

  • “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”She could scream all she wanted to, but I was keeping the umbrella!

  • My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole.“Don’t let him do that!” she screamed. “It’s disgusting.”“That’s your opinion” I said. “This is his second jar, he absolutely loves the stuff!”

  • When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

  • I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.They were Basking Robins.

  • A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, Give me all your money or you’re geography! Puzzled, the teller asks, Don’t you mean history?The robber yells, Don’t change the subject!

  • My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!I was taken aback…what a weird way to start a conversation.

  • I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.They were Basking Robins.

  • My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!I was taken aback……what a weird way to start a conversation.

  • Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee.Astronaut 2: in space, no one can. Here, use cream.

  • My wife screamed, “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”I was taken aback… what a weird way to start a conversation.

  • I grew up in a rough area…As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a Cherry on my head…It was tough in the Gateau.

  • My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

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