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Daughter Jokes

  • My daughter just lost her mood ring, really don’t know how she feels about it.


  • After my sisters door fell apart, my dad bought a new one from a daughter door salesman!

  • My daughter asked me to make her a ballerina’s costume…I had no idea where to start, but then I put tu and tu together!

  • I said to my daughter, “Where are you going all dressed up?”She said, “The bathroom. I need a new facebook profile picture!”

  • A friend has asked if I would like to help her to arrange a surprise piñata party for her daughter…No doubt I’ll give it a bash!

  • I noticed my neighbour putting a ‘Princess On Board’ sign in his car window. “Alright mate?” I said. “I didn’t realise you had a daughter.” “We don’t,” he replied. “Our son came out as gay this morning!”

  • My daughter said, “Dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?”I said, “Can he fuck!”She said, “Like a rabbit!”

  • I just bought a Christmas tree and my daughter asked, “Dad, are you going to put it up yourself?”I replied, “No, I was going to put it up in the living room!”

  • Question: If you are given £400 and your daughter texts you and asks for £200 and your son texts you and asks for £200, what do you have?Me: £400 and two unread text messages!

  • What do you call a boy who brings your daughter home late from a date?An ambulance!

  • I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed mine into a tree because of her.”“You must be mistaken,” she replied. “Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform.”I said, “I know, she left the curtains open!”

  • My 8 year old daughter got sent home from school this morning for saying the c word!I said, “It’s not clever is it?”She said, “No dad, it wasn’t. It was cunt!”

  • My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…So I called her Bluff!

  • My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop. They were £70…Bugger this I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web!

  • Today I made a Burger from scratch…My daughter won’t eat any though. She loved that cat!

  • My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill…Looks like she’s preparing some kind of barbie queue!

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!#GrandNational2022

  • I had an idea about a film plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris….Turns out that idea was taken!

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!

  • I’ve got £500 in my wallet. One daughter texts me and asks for £200. My other daughter texts me and asks for £175. How much do I have left?£500 and two unread text messages!

  • My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.“What are you doing?” she asked in shock.“Making you someone to play with,” I said.“A brother?” she asked excitingly.“No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home!”

  • Congratulations to our daughter in getting promoted to manager at our local library…We are very proud of you Paige Turner!

  • I stood outside the school dropping my son off this morning when a mother started crying beside me.“Are you ok?” I asked.“It’s my daughters first day,” she said. “I’m just worried that she won’t fit in because of her weight.”“Well, the doors are a bit narrow,” I replied.

  • My daughter has gone for a job interview at the local dentists. It’s for taking moulds of peoples teeth…I hope she makes a good impression!

  • My daughter said, “I hope you’re going to shave off that stupid moustache. It’s embarrassing!”I was stunned. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say to the wife!

  • One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman…But I won’t letter!

  • The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.But it was arson.

  • My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday.The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything? I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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