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Daughter Jokes

  • What do you call a boy who brings your daughter home late from a date?

    An ambulance!


  • I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed mine into a tree because of her.”“You must be mistaken,” she replied. “Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform.”I said, “I know, she left the curtains open!”

  • My 8 year old daughter got sent home from school this morning for saying the c word!I said, “It’s not clever is it?”She said, “No dad, it wasn’t. It was cunt!”

  • My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…So I called her Bluff!

  • My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop. They were £70…Bugger this I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web!

  • Today I made a Burger from scratch…My daughter won’t eat any though. She loved that cat!

  • My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill…Looks like she’s preparing some kind of barbie queue!

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!#GrandNational2022

  • I had an idea about a film plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris….Turns out that idea was taken!

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!

  • I’ve got £500 in my wallet. One daughter texts me and asks for £200. My other daughter texts me and asks for £175. How much do I have left?£500 and two unread text messages!

  • My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.“What are you doing?” she asked in shock.“Making you someone to play with,” I said.“A brother?” she asked excitingly.“No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home!”

  • Congratulations to our daughter in getting promoted to manager at our local library…We are very proud of you Paige Turner!

  • I stood outside the school dropping my son off this morning when a mother started crying beside me.“Are you ok?” I asked.“It’s my daughters first day,” she said. “I’m just worried that she won’t fit in because of her weight.”“Well, the doors are a bit narrow,” I replied.

  • My daughter has gone for a job interview at the local dentists. It’s for taking moulds of peoples teeth…I hope she makes a good impression!

  • My daughter said, “I hope you’re going to shave off that stupid moustache. It’s embarrassing!”I was stunned. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say to the wife!

  • One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman…But I won’t letter!

  • The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.But it was arson.

  • My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday.The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything? I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

  • I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

  • I just bought a Christmas tree and my daughter asked Dad, are you going to put it up yourself?Me: No, I was going to put it up in the living room

  • I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Puzzled, she asked, What’s that got to do with anything?I chuckled, Well, that means…It’s pasture bedtime!

  • I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day’. But when we walked in the office she started to cry.As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: “Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

  • I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me…How do you know it was on it’s way to work?

  • My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.I said, No, I didn’t even know he could.

  • My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… he said maybe they’ll marry each other.Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…

  • My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after Star Wars characters…My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

  • My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight…I told her I hope you don’t run into anyone who’s black-toes intolerant.

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