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Dinner Jokes

  • A cannibal once ate a fortune-teller for dinner. He liked his medium rare.


  • Hi, I’m hosting a party with dinner & drinks on Friday 14th Feb for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t cum let me know.

  • When a woman cooks you dinner you’re either going to get laid or poisoned.

  • Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

  • Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.

  • I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

  • All new Hell’s Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

  • Having dinner with my phone and some people.

  • I like a girl that isn’t afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

  • A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

  • I couldn’t finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: “do you wana box for that ?” I responded ” no , but i’ll arm wrestle you for it “

  • Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

  • Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling “Hey Sl@t” and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless

  • My wife just made a “special” dinner “just for me” for no apparent reason. I’m going to die, right ?

  • I had dinner at my mates house and while his mum was serving the food she said, how many potatoes would you like? I said, one please! She said, Haha you don’t have to be polite you know? I said, ok then ill have one you fat bitch.

  • It’s a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.

  • Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I’m out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn You are beautiful and I’d love to take you out for dinner.’ That was really hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

  • A hot girl in front of me at the self service checkout today left her purse on the side, so I did the right thing and called her back. “Excuse me” I said. “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight? My treat”.

  • If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

  • I phoned my girlfriend, and said, “I was thinking dinner in my place tonight, think you can make it?” She said, “I’ll be there at seven, babe.” I replied, “Make it five, the dinner won’t prepare itself.”

  • A threesome? No…if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I would go to dinner with my parents

  • Valentines Day Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says “I’m on my period”: Priceless.

  • I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

  • Had dinner with a chess grand master at a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. Took them two hours to pass the salt.

  • After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table…I needed a run up, but I fucking did it!

  • My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

  • Cabin crew: “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?”Me: “What are the options?”Cabin crew: “Yes or no!”

  • Marriage tip…Don’t ask your wife what time dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn!

  • If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, as I need to borrow some chairs!

  • My missus said she wanted peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

  • Cancelling my surgery would mean losing out on the hospital’s fish dinner…It was a missed op or tuna tea!

  • Yesterday we played the Christmas edition of Cluedo…Our lass murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

  • Last night I was sprawled out on the sofa watching TV when my wife called from the kitchen, “What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”I said, “I’ll have chicken please.”She replied, “You’re having soup you fat bastard. I was talking to the cat!”

  • My girlfriend’s parents are coming for Sunday dinner. I’m going to make a nice joint…Then when I’ve smoked that, I’ll cook them beans on toast!

  • Boris Johnson ate a Christmas dinner on Dec 25th…How is this man still Prime Minister?

  • Cost of a candle-lit dinner for two: £80Cost for theatre show tickets: £65Cab fare home: £30The look on his face when you tell him you’re on your period: Priceless.There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s anal!

  • Valentine’s Day plan: 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Dinner for two 5. Regret eating two dinners!

  • Had a salad for my dinner tonight. It did come with a doner kebab but, you know, baby steps!

  • Missus: “What you want for dinner?”Me: “Tell you what I ain’t had in ages…”Missus: “What’s that?”Me: “Sex!”

  • Premature Ejaculation Dinner & Dance Night.Dress Code: Just come in your pants!

  • My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?”I said, “Ooh, I’ll just have one please.”She said, “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”“Alright,” I said. “I’ll just have one then, you stupid bitch!”

  • After dinner last night my wife asked if I could clear the table…I needed a run up, but I fucking did it!

  • My wife and I are going out for dinner as soon as our game of ‘I don’t care where we go, where do you want to go?’ is finally fucking over!

  • My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?”I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting ready now.”“That sounds like her car pulling up outside…”“No, that’s my taxi, see you later!”

  • After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect…Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

  • My television broke, so I was forced to rely on the lost art of conversation with the wife at dinner…“Have you seen the iPad, love?” I said.

  • What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?handshakes.

  • Why didn’t Hans Solo enjoy his steak dinner?It was Chewie

  • My son refused to eat dinner last night.I told him that was a huge missed-steak.

  • I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, Do you want to hear today’s special? I said, Yes please.Waiter: No problem, sir. Today is special.

  • My wife asked me, Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!? So I took her to dinner and a movie…Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

  • My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having.

  • I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash. I warned her that I’m not a very good cook though.I wanted her to be prepared for the Wurst.

  • When the cannibal was late for dinner,He got the cold shoulder.

  • Her: At least invite me out to dinner.Him: I don’t go out with married women.Her: But I’m your wife.Him: I make no exceptions.

  • What did the cannibal get when he was late to the dinner party?The cold shoulder.

  • My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!

  • My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

  • My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife asked me to throw them out.I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.

  • My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having.

  • Her: At least invite me out to dinner.Him: I don’t go out with married women.Her: But I’m your wife.Him: I make no exceptions.

  • What do you give a cannibal who’s late to dinner?The cold shoulder.

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