Topics

Doctor Jokes

  • I’m not having much luck with jobs lately: I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just … Read more…


  • A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs. In fact he was stumped.

  • A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is … Read more…

  • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

  • After a weekend in Amsterdam my bollocks became enlarged, red and itchy. I went to my doctor who told me it could be a number of STD’s. Worried my wife would soon find out I asked if it might clear up on its own. He said he didn’t want to make any rash promises.

  • I said to my Doctor, “I’ve become a can of deodorant.” He said, “Are you sure?” I replied, “No, I’m Lynx.”

  • Went to the doctors and told him l was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked how does your wife feel about it? I said she took it on the chin the first time but now its getting on her tits…

  • 7 Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life…. The Doctor who tells her to “take off all her clothes.” The Dentist who tells her to “open wide.” The Milkman who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?” The Hairdresser who asks her “do you want it … Read more…

  • I went to the doctors this morning as I had a strawberry growing from my ear. He gave me some cream for it.

  • When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.

  • A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. “Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years. There’s nothing you can’t tell me.” “This one’s kind of strange,” the woman said. “Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied. “Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in … Read more…

  • Me: ” Doctor can you die from Constipation” ? I’m a bit worried how full of Shit some people are !”

  • I went to my doctor and during my examination I confided in him that I seem to have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times… … … Without hesitation, my doctor said, “You have a gag reflex.”

  • The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

  • My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing…

  • Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look…My question is, Is she perverted?

  • My doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked ” What did he say about your fat ass?” I said to my husband, “Oh , the doctor didn’t say anything about you dear!”.

  • The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients’ bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse.

  • I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.

  • Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?

  • My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

  • I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

  • Doctor: are you sexually active. Me: I’m not even physically active

  • My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn’t pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

  • Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

  • My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

  • I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that’s lasted longer than 4 hours. We’re meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

  • “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” The doctor says, “It’s Not Unusual.”

  • Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called a Wedding Cake!!

  • I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

  • My doctor told me to stop drinking today…then he told me to stop laughing.

  • My girlfriend says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!

  • My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.

  • Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.

  • My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

  • I hate when Doctors asks questions like . . . “Are you sexually active?” Depends on what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

  • My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

  • Me: doctor doctor I cant stop fucking farting… Doctor: *runs out the room comes back with a ten foot pole*Me: OMG!!!!!!! what are you gonna do with that??? Doctor: OPEN UP A FEW FUCKING WINDOWS

  • DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in years

  • I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

  • My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I’m about to become a husband.

  • I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.

  • My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all

  • the good news is the doctor says I’m healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me….

  • When pharmacist gets sick……. Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

  • My Doctor says I’m a serious alcoholic, but I think I’m more of a funny alcoholic.

  • Serious question: Are doctors SURE erectile dysfunction isn’t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?

  • Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

  • I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor’s yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

  • Me “Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg.” Her “Who’s Donna??”

  • Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

  • A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: All we did was correct his eyesight’

  • My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!

  • Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: 0mg

  • A man goes to the doctor with celery in his ear and a carrot up his nose. The Doc says “I can tell you right now you’re not eating right!”

  • “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor: “Well don’t go to those places.”

  • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

  • Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: 0mg

  • Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.Doctor: I don’t follow you.

  • I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

  • I went to the doctor the other day I said ‘have you got anything for wind’ so he gave me a kite.

  • A man went to A&E at the weekend who swallowed 12 plastic horses. Don’t worry the doctors describe his condition as stable.

  • My wife came back from the doctors really upset today.She sobbed, “He told me we can’t have any sex for two weeks!”I said, “How come?” looking really concerned.She replied, “Because he’s going on holiday tonight!”

  • Why did the chicken not bother crossing the road?Because there was only a doctors and a petrol station on the other side!

  • I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a Doctor…Then I realised I could just like Facebook photos to save lives!

  • When I lost my fingers on my right hand I asked the doctor if I would be able to still write with it…He said, “Maybe but I wouldn’t count on it!”

  • My grandma always used to say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”I don’t know if that’s true or just one of granny’s myths!

  • “Doctor, I can’t seem to give my girlfriend an orgasm.”“Does she tell you what she likes?”“Yes.”“And what does she like?”“Other men!”

  • I took my wife to Australia on our honeymoon, and she got stung on her vagina by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea.I rang an Aussie doctor and explained our predicament about her vagina being swollen shut.The doctor replied, “Ahh bummer mate.”So I did!

  • I went to the bar and ordered a pint of Less.The barman asks, “What’s Less?”I answered, “I don’t really know but the doctor told me to start drinking it!”

  • At my prostate exam earlier, as the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said, “Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”“Just then,” I said. “When your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming!”

  • I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.The doctor said, “Just shake your head.”I asked him, “How often?”He said, “Whenever someone offers you some food you fat cunt!”

  • When I get stressed I have a sandwich, a scone and a cup of tea…The doctor says I’m having picnic attacks!

  • My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst…So I’ve had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back!

  • I told my doctor, “Yoga is the best antidepressant available.”“Sounds like a bit of a stretch,” he replied.

  • A lady and a crying baby went to the doctors. The doctor checked the baby & asked if it was breastfed. She said, “Yes.” The doctor then examined the her breasts, pinching & prodding. He said, “But you are not making any milk?” She said, “I know, I’m his gran, but I enjoyed that!”

  • I went to the doctors this morning and I said, “I feel like I’ve got some cutlery stuck in my throat.”The doctor had a look and said, “It’s not serious, you just need to have utensils taken out!”

  • I went to the doctors & found out that my new doctor is young, female & drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry I’m a professional I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong & I’ll check it.I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny!”

  • As the doctor went through my notes, he said, “The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection.”I said, “How come?” He said, “Well, your wife is very ugly!”

  • A guy returns home from the doctors. His mate asks, “Why are you looking so miserable?”“The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life.”His mate adds, “That’s not too bad.”The guy says, “It is – he’s only given me four tablets!”

  • Deciding to turn off my mother-in-laws life support machine was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done…The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

  • A woman with 3 vaginas went to the doctor about her embarrassing problem.The doctor sewed up 2 of the holes, leaving just the middle one open.“Am I cured?” she asked.“Not as such, he replied. “But it will stop you getting fucked, left, right and centre!”

  • As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night’s car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I’m actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity…But I wasn’t Bjorn yesterday!

  • Doctor: “Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”Me: “But my name isn’t David?”Doctor: “I know. I’m David!”

  • I’ve been trying to get an appointment to see my doctor for ages. I finally saw him on Tuesday and showed him the rash on my bollocks…The twat just ignored me and kept pushing his trolley around Tesco!

  • I’m in hospital. Dont Panic. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb…Doctors say I’ll be out in the spring!

  • I asked my doctor if the spots on my chest were measles or chicken pox…He said he never makes rash decisions!

  • I went to the doctors with a pain in my big toe.He said, “Gout.”I said, “I’ve only just come in!”

  • My Italian friend has just lost both of his hands in a horrific accident…His doctor is worried that he may never talk again!

  • I told the female doctor that my tennis elbow was hurting. She said, “How many years have you had it for?”I said, “15 love!”

  • Porn stars must have the best CVs…Babysitter, nurse, doctor, plumber, cop, firefighter!

  • I went to hospital yesterday to have an operation and there was a sign in the car park saying ‘Thieves operate here’.Personally I prefer doctors, so I left!

  • My neighbour was rushed into hospital with a golf ball up his backside…The Doctor said it’s gone up a fairway!

  • A girl visits her doctors & tells him she has a terrible discharge.“Take your knickers off, spread your legs & I’ll check it out.”She drops her knickers, opens her legs & he has a good feel around.“How does that feel?”“Bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ears!”

  • I said, “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a hotel.”He said, “Can I examine you?”I said, “Be my guest!”

  • I called up the doctor and said, “Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast. What should I do?”“Is this her first child?” he asked.“No, this is her husband.”

  • A man goes to the doctors complaining that when he poos it comes out like chip shapes.The doctor asks, “Can you demonstrate?” to which the man does.The doctor pauses for a few moments and says, “Try lifting your string vest up next time!”

  • When the doctor examined me and said my prostate was fine, I was deeply touched!

  • A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…Doctors have said that he should be ok but he’s not out of the woods yet!

  • Went for a check up and asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life?”He replied, “I’m not sure. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”I said, “I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!”He replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke!”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *