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Dog Jokes

  • My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I eventually had to take his bike off him.


  • What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

  • Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.

  • I bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

  • I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog…

  • My friend is still angry at me for putting super glue on his dog. He just can’t let it go.

  • My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I eventually had to take his bike off him.

  • What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?“Make me one with everything.”

  • My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock… Bad Minton.

  • I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

  • What did the dog say after a long day at work? “Today was Ruff”

  • Just got a text from Snoop Dogg. No biggy.

  • Last night it was raining cats and dogs… I stepped in a poodle.

  • Bought the wife a pug dog…Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat, bad breath and being really ugly, the dog seems to like her!

  • I was walking with my wife today when a group of blokes on a building site started shouting things like, “She’s a pig mate,” and, “My dog wouldn’t lick her face.” I looked at her & said, “I’m not fucking having this!”Then I crossed the road & pretended I was waiting for a bus!

  • Getting offended by a joke I’ve posted is like choosing to step in dog shit instead of walking around it!

  • I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself…I should really get a dog!

  • The worlds best sniffer dog goes up for auction today…Could fetch a bomb!

  • I’ve just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay…Haven’t had any bids so far but there are 12 people watching!

  • I went dogging with the wife last night. Never again…By the time she’d finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

  • I was out driving last night and I started to feel a little bit horny, so I pulled into a well known dogging spot…I really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test!

  • All the dogs have been stolen at the local kennels…The police say they have no suspects but plenty of leads!

  • “Your dog has been barking for the last 3 fucking hours!” I said to my neighbour this morning. “I’ve got a serious hangover and I’m trying to get some sleep!”“It would probably help if you got out of his kennel!” she replied.

  • I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.The chap said, “This is very rare. Do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”

  • It freaks me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex…We hide the videos but he always finds them!

  • I failed Physics at school because my dog ate my ohm work!

  • I once bought a dog off a blacksmith…As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

  • A man is out walking his dog when the Man Utd score comes in, 5-0 to Liverpool. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.A passer by see this & asks, “Jesus what does the dog do if Man Utd win?”“I don’t know,” says the man. “I’ve only had it since August!”

  • I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot…If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbours fence and get it for you!

  • Taking a dog named ‘Shark’ to the beach is a very bad idea!

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