Dog Jokes

  • If you were a dog, you would be a hot dog.

  • Women: When it comes to doggie style…men are behind you 100%

  • Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was “beware of dog” and then I dry humped her leg.

  • Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

  • My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

  • Running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for dogs?

  • My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.

  • I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

  • I think it’s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

  • Dog’s Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

  • Can’t figure out why my dog licks his balls. They taste fcuking disgusting.

  • I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she’s just too pretty to fcuk from behind.

  • Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

  • A dog will never borrow money from you, and that’s why he’s man’s best friend.

  • Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.

  • I bet the Chinese get excited when it’s raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

  • Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

  • Have you ever done it kitty style? It’s like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.

  • For not knowing what’s going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.

  • Hero’s don’t wear capes, they wear dog tags.

  • Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?

  • Last time I was upset, my dog brought me all of his toys and laid on my head.

  • I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my wife and my dog. The dog gets it.

  • An old lady at the park said to me today, “I see your dog’s fetching balls.”I said, “I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn’t really be looking.”

  • Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he’ll try and kill you……….Bad Breath

  • I miss newspapers. It’s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

  • The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

  • Just had a fart that sounded like an un-oiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

  • I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

  • There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.

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