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Dog Jokes

  • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving…


  • Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.

  • I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

  • My dog said “woof” so I said “woof” & now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

  • Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

  • Girl posted on Facebook: All men are dogs! I commented: Which breed is your father?

  • Facebook features three types of women: hot, Photoshopped hot, and a dog for a profile pic.

  • I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.” So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

  • My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn’t pull her weight financially and she’s scared of the vacuum.

  • My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.

  • I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.

  • My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I’m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge…

  • When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

  • There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. My dog doesn’t want to watch TV I just got him an iPad.

  • Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I’m out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn You are beautiful and I’d love to take you out for dinner.’ That was really hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

  • That’s 49 -7 in dog goals.

  • My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.

  • If your dog is fat it means that you don’t get enough exercise.

  • Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

  • We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies… and idiots!

  • Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

  • You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

  • Got my new Chinese cookbook today….”101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”

  • My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

  • Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I’ll be watching you. Dog

  • There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce

  • In Dog Beers, I’ve only had one.

  • Normally I can’t dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson

  • Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you’re petting them.

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