Dog Jokes

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.

I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

My dog said “woof” so I said “woof” & now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

Girl posted on Facebook: All men are dogs! I commented: Which breed is your father?

Facebook features three types of women: hot, Photoshopped hot, and a dog for a profile pic.

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.” So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn’t pull her weight financially and she’s scared of the vacuum.

My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.

I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.

My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I’m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge…

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. My dog doesn’t want to watch TV I just got him an iPad.

Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I’m out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn You are beautiful and I’d love to take you out for dinner.’ That was really hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

That’s 49 -7 in dog goals.

My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.

If your dog is fat it means that you don’t get enough exercise.

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies… and idiots!

Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Got my new Chinese cookbook today….”101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”

My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I’ll be watching you. Dog

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce

In Dog Beers, I’ve only had one.

Normally I can’t dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson

Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you’re petting them.