Dog Jokes

  • Getting offended by a joke I’ve posted is like choosing to step in dog shit instead of walking around it!

  • I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself…I should really get a dog!

  • The worlds best sniffer dog goes up for auction today…Could fetch a bomb!

  • I’ve just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay…Haven’t had any bids so far but there are 12 people watching!

  • I went dogging with the wife last night. Never again…By the time she’d finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

  • I was out driving last night and I started to feel a little bit horny, so I pulled into a well known dogging spot…I really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test!

  • All the dogs have been stolen at the local kennels…The police say they have no suspects but plenty of leads!

  • “Your dog has been barking for the last 3 fucking hours!” I said to my neighbour this morning. “I’ve got a serious hangover and I’m trying to get some sleep!”“It would probably help if you got out of his kennel!” she replied.

  • I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.The chap said, “This is very rare. Do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”

  • It freaks me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex…We hide the videos but he always finds them!

  • I failed Physics at school because my dog ate my ohm work!

  • I once bought a dog off a blacksmith…As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

  • A man is out walking his dog when the Man Utd score comes in, 5-0 to Liverpool. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.A passer by see this & asks, “Jesus what does the dog do if Man Utd win?”“I don’t know,” says the man. “I’ve only had it since August!”

  • I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot…If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbours fence and get it for you!

  • Taking a dog named ‘Shark’ to the beach is a very bad idea!

  • I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him. He was useless…I think I need a flatter dog!

  • May I respectfully ask that you keep your dogs quiet tonight so I can hear the fireworks!

  • The worst thing about hackers finding your password is having to rename your dog!

  • My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

  • Two female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them.”The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

  • My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?”“Nope”, I replied.“You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said.“Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

  • What wears a coat in winter and pants in the summer?A dog!

  • You know it’s cold outside when you trip over dog shit instead of standing in it!

  • My dog is a really good swimmer. He floats easily…He’s a good buoy!

  • My family and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop…I’ve just taken the lead!

  • I walked into a cafe this morning with my jack russell. The owner of the cafe said, “Excuse me sir, no dogs allowed in here.”Quick as a flash I said, “I’m blind.”He said, “I thought blind people had labradors or alsations?”I bent down and said, “What have they given me?”

  • I went to the cinema last night. A man sat near me had his dog. The dog seemed really engrossed in the film. When the film ended I said to the owner, “This might sound weird, but your dog seemed to really enjoy that”. He replied, “Yes I was surprised too. He hated the book!”

  • Dad: “Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”Son: “Haha you can’t fool me again, a chair!”Dad: “Not this time. Our dog died!”

  • I’m thinking of sleeping on the wife’s side of the bed…Apparently from that side, you don’t hear the kids crying or the dog barking to go out!

  • Intelligence Test:How do you say: “Robert’s terrier has run away” without using the letter “R”?“Bob’s dog’s fucked off!”

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