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Door Jokes

  • I bought a dog from the local blacksmith.
    As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.


  • Answered the door in my bath robe today. Funny place for a door.

  • Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

  • Whoever invented the door knocker deserves a no-bell prize!

  • Doorbells, don’t knock ’em.

  • I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.The doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.”I replied, “What, drinks?”He said, “No, birthdays!”

  • After my sisters door fell apart, my dad bought a new one from a daughter door salesman!

  • My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line…I nearly shit her pants!

  • The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick…On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that!

  • I once bought a dog off a blacksmith…As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

  • My wife phoned me & said, “Where are you? It’s pissing down & I forgot my key.”“I’m in bed, sorry.”She screamed, “Are you joking? I want you to get out of bed, walk down the stairs & open the door, NOW!”“What would be the point in that? Your sister lives 20 minutes away!”

  • There are some horrible people about…I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four men in Manchester United shirts playing football with it.I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up!

  • I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost…To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door!

  • I’m sick of people knocking on my door begging. Last night a woman was asking for donations for a sperm bank…I gave her a right mouthful!

  • My Grandad always told me, “When one door closes, another one opens.”Lovely guy, but terrible cabinet-maker!

  • I’ve just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door and jump the fence…My missus must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk!

  • I get so excited over women I have to glue my dick to my leg otherwise it stands up every time I see one…The other day I went on a date, put extra glue on it, knocked on her front door, she opened it wearing the shortest skirt I have ever seen, and I kicked her in the face!

  • I went to my local DIY shop to get the number 58 for my door…Imagine my disappointment when they only went as far as 9!

  • I was on the train earlier when I accidentally walked in on a girl using the bathroom. I quickly apologised and closed the door.“Can you get the fuck out?” she said.

  • I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed mine into a tree because of her.”“You must be mistaken,” she replied. “Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform.”I said, “I know, she left the curtains open!”

  • Did my first nude painting this morning…The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

  • The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.They said, “Is this your wife sir?” Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus.”I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality!”

  • I went to a psychic and knocked on her front door.She yelled, “Who is it?”So I left!

  • The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise…I shouted, “Stop!” but if anything, that made things worse!

  • I received a brown envelope through the door this morning that said ‘Do not bend!’I thought, “How am I going to pick that up then?”

  • The police knocked at my door last night.“Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”I said, “Velocity?”

  • The little girl next door was digging a hole in her backyard when I asked what she was doing.“I’m burying my pet bird,” she said.I asked, “Isn’t that a rather big hole, for such a little bird?”She replied, “Yeah, except he’s inside your fucking cat!”

  • My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line..I nearly shit her pants!

  • It’s always exciting getting a Valentine’s Day card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope…Except when you’re in prison!

  • With #StormEunice approaching I’m going to pop next door to see if 83 year-old Vera needs anything from the shop tomorrow…And if she does I’m going to give her my list. No point in both of us going out in this weather!

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