Door Jokes

I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there’s an 83% chance that my nephew just added “Mother*ucker” to his vocabulary.

I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “why aren’t you wearing pants” look.

Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. very nice, but i think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch!

Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

I just don’t get it…My wife’s friends come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “why aren’t you wearing pants” look.

My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now they’re all at the gate and they’re off!

I just don’t understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she’d love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I’d put cameras all over her house.

I had my identity stolen once. The next day I found it on my doorstep with a note saying, “F@ck you, you can keep it.”

LIKE if you don’t ring the doorbell… You just text or call to say you’re outside.

Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls.

My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

Just had a fart that sounded like an un-oiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.

If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She’s a slut.

The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children… *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can’t turn the knob to get in.

My girlfriend always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbour.

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

I’ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.

Found a note on my door today that said “You’re Awesome!” (: I’m the one that wrote it. But still… feels fucking good!

No thanks, Party Casino; if I wanted to gamble when watching porn, I’d start the video with the volume on full and my door wide open.

Priests, TV personalities and now MPs guilty of bum fidderling no wonder us children of the 70/80s bang on about playing outside all day…who the f*ck would have wanted to go indoors

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 am this morning and said, “Yo, I can’t fcking sleep.” “Well it’s your lucky day,” I said, “I’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.