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Door Jokes

  • I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door!


  • I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady.She kept yelling, “I’m peeing in here!”How ungrateful!

  • At 3am this morning I heard a noise. Looking out of the window I saw my neighbour crack a man across the head and start to dig a hole to bury him.“You’ll never guess what I’ve just seen,” I said to my wife.“What?” she said. “The guy next door has still got my shovel!”

  • Had a row with my wife and she stormed out shouting, “Jim Morrison was overrated!”I hate it when she slams The Doors!

  • I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15.Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!

  • I knocked on my neighbours door earlier, and said, “Can you have my children? I’ll be no longer than a few minutes.She said, “Yeah, no problem.”I said, “Great! Get your knickers off then!”

  • The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is to just open the door…And push her the fuck out!

  • Did you use to knock on doors and then run away when you were a kid?Good news… Hermes are hiring!

  • I went to an outdoors restaurant earlier and it started to rain…Took me 3 hours to finish my soup!

  • I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…I’m not sure what scared him most, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived!

  • A bloke knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”I said, “You’ve got the wrong fucking house then pal!”

  • 89 monkey pox cases in the UK…Won’t be long before we’re stood on the front door step clapping the zoo keepers!

  • Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me!

  • I thought I’d be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady.Two minutes later she said, “Will you piss off. I’m trying to have a shit!”

  • I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a ‘real girlfriend experience’.When I got there she opened the door and said, “You’re late! I bet you’ve been down the pub.”We didn’t speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa!

  • Did my first nude painting yesterday…The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

  • Just saw our next door neighbour getting a bunch of flowers delivered.I said, “Nice flowers love.”She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be spending all weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air now.”I said, “Bloody hell, get the tight bastard to buy you a fucking vase!”

  • Everyone up for clapping on our doorsteps at 7pm tonight? #BorisOut

  • My dear wife sadly died ten years ago today. She’d finally decided to get herself down to Weight Watchers, but the effort of putting her coat on proved too much for her heart and she dropped dead in the doorway…Took me ages to get over her!

  • I thought I heard my next-door neighbours shagging last night. All I could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

  • I’ve just offered my next door neighbour £20 to try out her new stair lift…I really think she is going to take me up on it!

  • A man knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness!

  • My wife phoned me and spoke in a furious tone, “Where the hell are you?”I said, “You know that jewellery store where you saw that necklace that you really really wanted?”“Yes, I remember,” she said excitedly.I replied, “I’m at that tool shop right next door!”

  • When our lass told me there’d be no more Neighbours after last night, I thought she meant the couple next door were moving…I wish she had made it clear that she meant the fucking television programme before I admitted to shoving dog shit through their letterbox!

  • I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law…She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery. The keys are under door mat!

  • Locked myself out of my car today. My mate unlocked it by rubbing his leg against the door…Luckily he was wearing his Khaki trousers!

  • I stood outside the school dropping my son off this morning when a mother started crying beside me.“Are you ok?” I asked.“It’s my daughters first day,” she said. “I’m just worried that she won’t fit in because of her weight.”“Well, the doors are a bit narrow,” I replied.

  • How long is one minute?It depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on!

  • The postman posted a brown envelope through the door this morning that said ‘Do not bend!’I thought, “How am I going to pick that up then?”

  • I’m not sure what shocked the postman more…The fact that I came to the door completely naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived!

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